Breaking A Spell

I'm looking at my tabs in Firefox and I see an unfamiliar sight. I've 335 new items to read through in Google Reader. This is unusual because I only accumulate just over 100 new items a day and I make sure to read through my daily allotment before I go to bed. But I've broken the habit recently. It had a lot to do with the cold I had/have. There were a couple of nights when I just couldn't muster the energy to stare at a monitor, upright, for that long. So I let myself slide thinking that I would get back into the swing of things once I felt better. Well, I feel much better now than I did when I decided to slack off but I just don't feel a pressing need to catch up again. I did for a while, but it passed. I think this is a good thing. As far as habits go, I don't think reading up on the news is the worst but the commitment I felt toward consuming everything was.

I don't like to consider myself an obsessive-compulsive because I don't feel I suffer from OCD, and saying so would trivialize the horror that OCs live through every day, but I do feel I suffer from OCD-like behavior. It's nothing extreme but I often feel plagued by this sense of order. And it manifests itself in the oddest ways. It doesn't appear in all aspects of my life but in enough places that it can be felt, in enough places that it's become a problem. It's stupid really, but it's there. I've daydreamed before about what it must be like to not have this thing. For the most part I don't feel bad about it. In some respects I really love it. It seems so much apart of me and my character. And while I don't put much stock in what other people say or think, it's only when I hear about how odd this behavior is from others that I become doubtful. It doesn't necessarily need to be a criticism either, it just needs to be something that shines a spotlight on how my way isn't the way of others. So I wonder how it's like to be like everyone else. And there are aspects of that that I love. It seems like... I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm directing my energy and time toward things that aren't fulfilling, and I'm neglecting those things that truly make me happy.

So I've been in an odd headspace recently. Because there have been a couple of things I've stopped doing, things that an older version of myself wouldn't believe possible. Surprisingly I feel good about it. And it's not so much about stopping things exactly... I'm not gonna bury my head in the sand as far as news is concerned for instance, but I need to stick to this realization that the world doesn't end if I'm not constantly wired. For me, this new thing is about trying to prioritize and gain some perspective. Things aren't where they should be and that's all on me so I need to kill this thing that makes that seem okay. It's been like being under a spell for a very long time. It's a strange thing. I don't know that much of it, the change, will be seen as much as it will be felt? At first anyway. I don't know... I just feel like it's a good thing to break some habits every now and then. It's something to consider and something I wanted to share. ;)


DS333, sloughing.