A Birthday Gift?

Today's a special day. It's my brother's birthday. It's a funny thing, it took a little while to throw that sentence out there. I was considering the myriad ways I could've gone with it. Should I have said it was my brother's birthday? I don't feel that it's not. It's still the same day it ever was and will be. That just wouldn't have felt right. Should I have said my late brother? I've never quite taken to that term, it's too... evasive. When it comes to personal matters I often find the direct way to be the best way. I would much rather use the word dead than late. But ultimately I thought the idea of using a qualifier useless. He has been, is and always will be my brother... and this day will always be his.

I've never wanted to use this blog as the street corner at which I whore myself out to the public, so I won't delve any further than that. Of course I have much to say about my brother... but that's mine. I can't share that. But taking that to the extreme wouldn't have been the best solution either. I couldn't have glossed over what today was, that wouldn't have felt right. So I just thought I would mention it and let it be known that he's been on my mind today... more so than usual.

Normally I would've ended the post right there... but I just had to share this beautiful bit of synchronicity before I called it a day. It's about the post I made yesterday. The timing was perfect. Today, on The Howard Stern Show, there was a blowup between two friends/employees that exquisitely illustrated the unexpected and volatile nature of conversations I had spoken of. It always starts as nothing... it's almost innocent the way these things begin. Then it slowly begins to degrade. I lust for this stuff. Most of all I'm compelled by the rawness of it. The Howard Stern Show has always been a source of honesty, truth and reality... but there are times when a moment breaks through and transcends that norm. It was so intense. Brutal and ugly. Violent. God I loved it so much. I feed off this stuff. In some way it must make me a wicked person... if that's the case I totally own it, but I don't necessarily think it does. It's not that I don't feel horrible about what happened, I do. That's the point. I feel something. That's the only reason I seek this stuff out. It wouldn't mean anything if I wasn't invested and connected. But I just have more of a mind to rejoice in the horror of these little tragedies even when they're my own, rather than lament them.

Anyway, I thought it was funny... to have that happen today. I thought the timing was too perfect. I wondered where the moment came from. How wonderful to see things fall into place. And all the while I kept thinking, What happens next?


DS333, engrossed.