Film Fetish: "Breach"

Breach (2007)
- directed by Billy Ray


Based on a true story, Breach recounts computer specialist and support employee of the FBI, Eric O'Neill's (Ryan Phillippe) pursuit of special agent status within the bureau. His normal duties are put on the back burner when he is reassigned to track the movements of his new boss, special agent Robert Hanssen (Chris Cooper).

Wow, what a great film. It's one of those movies I was meaning to get around to "sometime", but didn't until I heard an interview with Phillippe on The Howard Stern Show earlier this month. I kept hearing about how great it was, how strong it was, that I couldn't resist. It definitely lived up to the grand expectations.

The film's basically a tale of espionage with heavy themes of deception and human behavior. It was right up my alley. Funny thing about the structure of the tale is that the ending is revealed at the beginning, which I think is a very ballsy move and speaks quite highly of the technical ability of the writer's to maintain a great sense of tension throughout the rest of the film. Knowing the ending doesn't spoil the story whatsoever, which is great to know since the headline is a memorable one. I remember this story and I imagine like others I just wasn't aware of the details. The Devil's in the details, this movie is all about subtlety and nuance. The story is gripping and tense. It's hard to pull yourself away at times. Intense is the watchword with this film. I just couldn't recommend this movie highly enough if you're in the mood for a great suspense drama loaded with strong acting talent.

8.5/10 One of the best tales of espionage I've ever seen.


DS333, pleased as punch.

001.312.365

• Finally, a bit of relief from the heat of the Sun. :)
• Just finished watching Law & Order: SVU, perhaps my favorite version of L&O. Nothing strikes a chord with me like salaciousness and sensationalism. :P By the way, Robin Williams' performance on tonight's episode was amazing. He's a real knack for the creepy criminal.
  
• For whatever reason certain light fixtures in the house aren't working properly. Here's hoping the landlord will get everything in working order tomorrow. Though, this situation has afforded me the opportunity to give my ninja skills a go. Lacking vision you'd be amazed at how many actions you can perform by rote.
• I've said it before recently, but I just have to say again how odd it is that my mind's been flashing the most obscure memories... mostly dreams. Out of nowhere, in the middle of a thought, a memory of a place I've conjured up in dream will take over my mind. The two are totally unrelated, at least to my eye. I always wonder if there is a reason for things like this. A simple series of misfires? Is there an intent? I don't know... I'm just bowled over by the fact that if it wasn't for these misfires these places would be totally forgotten. I'd forgotten these places, these dreams. They were lost, but now found. Maybe these flashes are death throes? One last attempt for them to be heard, to be remembered?
  
• I finally downloaded, tagged and imported all the Radiohead covers Christopher O'Riley offers on his website. I'm such a nut about proper tags so it took a while to get everything in order, luckily for me his posts are quite detailed. :D Anyway, he's an amazing musician. He's a pianist with a real talent for killer arrangements. I think I'm in love. :P I can't wait to pick up his Radiohead cover albums. I've seen them before but never had the opportunity to sample his work... now I know they're definite must-buys.
• Damn, I know there was more that I wanted to say but I've lost the thread. I hate when this happens.
• I guess I should end it here... since I'm blanking.
• See ya later strangers.

DS333, in dream.

Nexus Redux

The last time I spoke of the Nexus, as I was about to get to the heart of the matter, I said that the thought belonged to another time. That time is now. I guess it's been on my mind since I've been doing a lot of sketching lately. When I'm really stoking the creative fire I always feel a great sense of appreciation. I'm grateful for a lot of things. For one, I'm glad I still have the use of my hands. I had the thought the other day... how remarkable it is that more people's limbs aren't disfigured or dismembered? I'm always paranoid about losing my hands or something happening to them. It's natural I suppose and having the thought always fills me with gratitude. I'm also thankful of the fact that I can do what I do and have it make me feel the way it does. I wonder if everyone has this thing. Some one thing that makes everything feel right. It's always there and I'm appreciative of that.

I've done it many times before so I know I can create in what is essentially a vacuum. Though vacuums, in this sense, is a relative concept. We're never quite removed from everything. This world to me is just one massive nexus, a confluence of influence. Everything seems to be moved by current. Everything is a reflection. The world's a sea, a storm, a vortex, a melting pot, etc. It's impossible not to be touched or influenced by something, it's just a reality of being. So I realize there's no true vacuum in which to work in. But it is possible to pare down your environment of distractions. I've been able to create within a private setting. Sometimes it's needed. Most of the time though, I find the need to be out there... in the wild. When it comes to creation I feel the need to be public more than I feel the need to be private. It's just a natural instinct. In this instance I liken the creative process to sex. I'm not making a distinction between sex in public to sex in private, rather, masturbation to sex. It's just more... well... y'know. ;) I need an audience, I need a partner, I need a muse, I need whatever it is that people provide me when I create in public.

I've mentioned before going out to Jamba Juice, The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and Starbucks. The one thing they have in common is the atmosphere of brewing, it's what they do. They all make drinks and there's something about that. It's never one specific thing... they're a whole host of concoctions at the ready upon your request. The place serves to create whatever it is you desire or crave at that exact moment. It's always changing and adapting. I'll go there sometimes with the idea of what I want and then see something, hear something or smell something that'll change everything. It's always brewing, always in flux. The nature of those places and places like it, I'm drawn to. If I were a drinker I suppose I'd like bars even better but I'm not, which is quite fortunate considering what shitty lighting I'd have to work with in those places. :P

I find too, that these places have the air of train stations and airports. They're hubs of activity. People are always coming and going. Sure people aren't arriving or leaving these places with quite the same poignancy but that's not to say that they can't be centers of emotion. That's the main reason I seek these places out. There's something in the air about a coffee shop, more than the scent of freshly ground beans. It's all beginnings. It always feels new and there's this sense that anything can happen given the right mix. I'm feeding off all of this energy when I place myself in the center of it. Business deals are being struck. Students are studying to ace that exam. Blind dates are meeting for the first time. Old friends are catching up. Young lovers are winding down the day. It goes on and on. There's always something happening and it's always different... the same, but different. The same stories are being played out with new characters. It's inspiring.

I've a mind for moments and memories but my mind's not a steel trap. I'd very much like to hold onto everything that comes my way but that's just not a reality. It's not necessarily important that I hold onto these moments but they seem very special. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what my mind decides to harbor. Lacking that degree of control, I include all those people and those moments in my work. I sometimes look at my sketches as a written history. In every line, every stroke, there's a story. What the stories are I've lost, but having them here in some form comforts me. It all helps to strengthen this idea of influence and connection. I think of all this as a collaboration, one that I'm most grateful for. Everything and everyone is sparking off one another. I'm just fascinated by that idea... that sense of connection and spontaneity. I never know who I'm going to meet or what I'm going to see but I know it'll stoke the fire. It'll become something. All of this will come to some end, what it is I never know, but the fun comes in seeking it out. It does end... quite beautifully. There's always the excitement of imagining what it'll be or how it'll turn out... but like many of the best things it's never quite what you imagine.


DS333, sparking.

The Shape Of Things To Come

Yes, I stole today's title from the latest episode of Lost. :P How fucking awesome was that episode!? Anyway, back to the post. ;) Since we're coming down to the wire I've been thinking a lot about the Final posts. I've been thinking about things I've been meaning to say but haven't and the things I have said that were unclear. I want to go back, I want to review. The idea really sparked when I made a recent link to a past post which I hadn't read since I first written it. Turns out I had a different idea of what was laid down. I realized I didn't even get to the heart of the matter. I didn't say what I really wanted to say. It seemed like a crime to me. So in the interest of being a good and upstanding citizen I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to comb through my past posts to see if everything made it home, so to speak. I don't expect to find many offenses. The last thing I want to do is warp a situation so that I can recycle material. All I plan to do is search for anything that might be missing. I think, now that we come to the end, it would be nice to tie up loose ends. ;)


DS333, the tailor.

001.309.365

• Bloggy bloggy time. ;)
• The last few posts have been kinda hard for me. I find that this blogging project has really drawn out a manic streak. Some days I'm the most enthusiastic blogger on Earth and other days there's nothing I want to do more than delete every post I've ever written and drive this keyboard through the monitor. :P It's a bit extreme, I know, but it's true. Right now I'm on an upswing, thankfully.
• My brother came over today. We wasted most of the day ragging on VH1's 100 Greatest Songs Of The 80's. I guess you could say I was a child of the 80's since I was born in the decade but it wasn't apart of my teen scene so I never had the opportunity to embrace it fully. I was, of course, aware of most of the tunes but I'd forgotten or just never seen most of their music videos... wild, all of it! :P ;)
• Found a cool show on A&E called Parking Wars. It's basically a reality show that follows the Philadelphia Parking Authority on patrol. Apparently I relish in the sight of cars being ticketed, towed and booted. :P Mostly I just love to see people lose control. You'd be amazed at the indignation of people who are clearly in the wrong. So entertaining. ;)
• While watching VH1 today I found out that they're going to air a Radiohead... not concert exactly, but I guess a music special. I'll have to look it up when I'm done: Radiohead Coming To You From The Basement.
  
• Happened upon this great little show on the Game Show Network called Chain Reaction that sorta modeled after the Before & After puzzles on Wheel Of Fortune. It's the first time I saw the show but I can already tell I'll try to catch it whenever I can. As a plus, the show's host is pretty hot. :P
• I watched a lot of TV today, which was unusual. It's been a long while since traditional media has managed to wrest my attention from new media, i.e. the Net. Nice change of pace. I missed my old friend. ;)
• So hot today. The bitch is that it's supposed to be even hotter tomorrow. *sigh*
• That's it, I'm out. ;)
• One last thing, men with plastic surgery are the saddest things on Earth.
  

DS333, cooling.

The Art - "The World Tree"

The World Tree

approximately 8 1/2" x 6 1/4"; ink on paper.


This is the twelfth piece in my 70-part David's Book (AKA The Blue Book) project.

This is one of those pieces that absolutely validates my use of the term sketch. There's a lot here that I was playing around with that I hope to revisit in the future. It exists now as a road marker, a pretty clear one at that. I have the idea of where I wanted to go, unfortunately I wasn't able to get there with this effort... close, but not quite.

Obviously I was experimenting with symmetry. I had this idea of the underworld existing much like our own. I thought I would mirror the anatomy of a tree to flesh the thought out. I fantasized of a world where people choked instead of breathed; dirt instead of air. Instead of getting lost in the rhythmic sway of branches in the breeze there is a place where people get lost in the stillness of roots encased in earth. Dirt for air and roots for branches, a world turned on its head... where people no longer mistake substance for emptiness.

I also wanted to develop this idea of the seed as source. I'd been thinking of trees as vessels. I'd envisioned a world within each trunk where the seed took the place of the Sun. I wonder what it is that sparks life and where it goes. Even tracking the ghost of that spark I felt was a meaningful endeavor. What becomes of the seed? Of it's casing? Where does it end up? How does it morph? What remains? I kept envisioning lines... strata, a smear of the original line. The written word or the drawn line taken and smeared... stretched and structuring something new, creating a new word, a new line, a new thought and so a new world.

Anyway, I'm about to get lost in thought... which means I'm precariously dancing about a pool of incoherence. Some things are better left unsaid... and if they're attempted to be spoken, or written, they should be done so lucidly. I'm about to lose my mind. ;)

Fair thee well my fellow acorns. :)


DS333, breathing and choking.

Film Fetish: "Hannibal Rising"

Hannibal Rising (2007)
- directed by Peter Webber


The origin of The Silence Of The Lambs' cannibalistic sociopath, Dr. Hannibal Lecter.

If you haven't seen The Silence Of The Lambs, where have you been? It's one of the greatest films of all time. It's the film I credit sparking my serious interest in film. Before that film I can't remember film being anything more than passing entertainment, nothing truly long-lasting, fulfilling or enriching. It totally changed my perception of the medium. Though, I was ripe for the change. If it wasn't that film, it would've been another; Right time, right place... it just happened to be my first.

So The Silence Of The Lambs holds a special place in my heart. There's so much I love about that film, too much to go into now. Like most of the world I fell in love with the film's villain, Dr. Hannibal Lecter. My interest in behavioral science, pathology and sociopathy certainly fueled that fire. There are few fictional characters I feel are as compelling as the good doctor.

Anyway, I've been watching The Silence Of The Lambs recently. I've just been in the mood for that type of thing, for that character. I'd seen the entire series, ...Lambs along with Hannibal and Red Dragon, but I never got around to Hannibal Rising. Unfortunately I didn't catch it in the theatre. Maybe it's more appropriate to say that it's unfortunate that I didn't make the effort to see it in a theatre. Based on the trailers I had the impression it wouldn't stand firm amongst the rest of the films, and in some ways I guess I was right. I'd heard the criticism beforehand, that the film failed the character by humanizing him, that the story stripped away that air of mystery and the supernatural that surrounded Lecter. There was the idea that by explaining the character you were neutering him, making him less threatening and less terrifying. Though, I think any attempt at an origin tale would've been met with the same harsh criticism. I actually found the criticism quite funny, even before I saw the film, kind of a sign of the times... that making a human of this monster would be less horrifying? How 'bout that?

There was this one thread floating about, that this film could've totally been stripped of the Lecter mythos and stood on its own as a pretty standard suspense/horror film. I'm very much in line with this thinking. The film was mediocre at best and in the rare moments it was able to transcend that feeling, it was due to allusions to the existing series. It's a funny thing, the film managed to do nothing... it neither tarnished nor polished my view of the character or the series. I think it had a lot to do with wresting the role from Anthony Hopkins hands, I really never felt I was watching Lecter on-screen. The film itself also exists in another time and in another place that seem absolutely divorced from the world that my Lecter lives in. I'm able to reconcile my disappointments. Then again, I wasn't really disappointed. It's so easy for me to have this film exist in its own space that I don't feel it failed to deliver. It almost feels like it doesn't have to exist?

Anyway, I'm just rambling. I was in the mood and dying for closure so the film managed to deliver in that way. I just needed to watch it to watch it, I needed nothing more. As films go, it wasn't the worst. I enjoyed myself, but if I wasn't craving it... well it's hard to say if I would've enjoyed it in that instance. Like I said, it was pretty mediocre... but that doesn't make it bad. *shrug*

6/10 A must for any Hannibal Lecter aficionado or anyone with a penchant for the macabre and violent. ;)


DS333, meh.

001.306.365

• Watched all the supplementary material on the No Country For Old Men DVD. I love supplements. :D
• Stopped by the local video store to pick up some DVDs. Rented Hannibal Rising (Unrated), Breach and The Departed. :D
• Finished watching Hannibal Rising, I think I might squeeze in Breach later tonight. :D
• Need to remember to catch the latest South Park at midnight since I missed the 10 p.m. airing.
• Almost caught up with all my Howard Stern material. I'm about a day behind.
• I've been having very vivid dreams about things I can take into this world. Things like numbers, names and words. I had a dream like this last night. I remember reading an entire paragraph, but the words are all lost to me. I've only the first line within my grasp and the memory is very vague. I've a few things from past dreams with me. I wish there were a way to hold onto them longer, long enough for me to transcribe these things. I've the feeling they're of great importance to me.
• Lately I've been consumed with personal blogs and vlogs. Most vlogs via YouTube. I'm amazed at how open some people choose to be online. I always get the feeling that I'm privy to something special. I've the feeling that I'm listening to things meant for other people. The urge to share is there, but people don't direct their thoughts in the right direction.
• I'm especially chatty today... but only in my mind. :P I should head out now.

DS333, consuming.

Electric Sheep

Aside from giving me the ability to torrent, the thing I love about Transmission is all of statistical data it outputs. I could spend the rest of my days staring at those numbers flow by. It's more than just watching the download and upload speeds, that comes standard with most Net apps. It's the unique technology of torrenting that fascinates me so. I'm drawn to the spontaneity of the torrent cloud. How many leechers am I connected to? How much data am I seeding to each one? How far along are their transfers? What's the estimated time of delivery? There are so many variables and so many numbers to reflect that. So many rates and ratios. I love meditating on how they all relate to one another. I even make a game of pitting my calculations of completion against those of the program, I imagine it's a lot like predicting weather patterns.

At it's core it's just soothing to me. Staring at the numbers is like listening to the beat of a metronome. It's constant and that comforts me. It's constant yet ever-changing, that comforts me more. In a way, all of these programs that relay this sort of information about the inner workings of their machinations are a lot like watches. Staring at the numbers is a lot like getting lost in the spin of wheels and cogs. On the surface, the way these things work is almost magical. It's all point & click. We don't really grasp what's going on... what's happening. I still don't, but the numbers hint at their greater wonder. It's always at work. Working with and against the change of things. Speeding up and slowing down. Shrinking and growing. Keeping things in balance. We don't usually notice that sort of thing until we absolutely need to, even then I think the awe is lost on most people. I'm constantly amazed at how efficient it is amid a sea of chaos. It's something to aspire to.

Mostly though, I don't think too much about it... any of it, when I stare at the numbers, I just stare... to stare. Really I don't know what's happening when I stare at them. I usually don't think too much about any of the things I blog about until I actually sit down and get to typing it all out. Everything's sorta fragmentary. It's something totally different to exist within the mind and then without. It is what it is. I don't know why it is. It makes perfect sense when I don't have to speak about it. I just know I love the feeling. My version of paradise is littered with tickers and scrawls, constant and ever-changing, displaying information about the minutiae of everyday life. It's one of those things that I've always loved about The Matrix. There's something there, this idea of code living in and being of the world but only understood by the coders. It speaks of the transcendent. Worlds within worlds. Layers upon layers. The meaning of meanings. Secrets and lies. Doors and windows.

It's just comforting to have it there... to know it's there. Every day... every night at stare at those numbers like one would count sheep and the numbers lull me to my sleep.


DS333, analyzing.

White Space

It's happening again. Writer's block. As I've said before, I think blocks of this kind are born out of a lack of will. Where there's a will, there's a way. But I'm not feeling that sentiment tonight. I do want to write but nothing's coming. Maybe the problem is that I've been stockpiling ideas for the past few weeks now? Maybe I want to hold onto them because I fear nothing else will come after? I guess that's my insecurity showing. Mostly I think I just don't want to get into any of it. I mean, I know I don't. It takes time, it takes thought, it takes effort. I never know where it's gonna end but I always have a good idea of how large it will be and the things I've been saving are pretty huge... in my mind, at least.

Whenever I used to feel this way I'd go to the bathroom. Not literally... well, yes literally... I just mean I wouldn't use the bathroom. Who was it? Archimedes, that's it. He had the right idea all along. It's the bathroom, the restroom, it's those places where the best ideas spring. It's always been a tried and true method for conjuring up inspiration. In high school, whenever I had an essay to write it was always in the bathroom that I'd come up with my theses, openers and closers... those things that structured the whole. I don't know exactly what it was about that space. Was it the color of the walls and tile? I think it was the lack of sound and the echo. It was also the nature of the space; private. It was a sort of void. I keep talking of the past 'cause I don't use the trick all that much... or I try not to anyway. Ever since I pinpointed the magic of that space I wanted to draw it out into the open, because I feel that everything is a state of mind and so I didn't need the space... it's not about the physical space. The physical space is a... marker. Or maybe it's more of a rune, a sort of conduit. It merely facilitates that journey to the other. All of it was about privacy, silence and vacancy. It's an easy thing to achieve once you know it's what you want... you can even get there in a noisy, crowded space.

Still I like bathrooms, I still use them in that way. It just happens. It's intrinsic to that space. You can't help but think in there. I've played around with the idea of what it must be like to live in a space completely modeled after a bathroom. White tiles and huge, empty spaces. No appliances. But lots of plumbing. I'm convinced water is apart of the magic as well. I love the sound of running water. It's an intriguing idea because it's so foreign. I think... I'm always living in that space in my head. I'm always thinking, I'm always in that private space. So I wonder what it must be like to always be in that space, physically. To be in that space both physically and mentally, all the time. Would someone go mad there? What would come of it? What would one create in that crucible? I don't know, but I like thinking about it.


DS333, managing.

001.303.365

• Most of the day was all about the visit to my brother and sister's place in Pasadena, they planned a great luncheon for the extended family. I'm not really one to socialize with new people, but what little I managed to participate in I really enjoyed. I've such a great family. I love days like these.
• Been committing the last few days to unlocking all the little nooks and crannies in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
• I've been in a real film kick recently. Been watching old faves like Se7en and The Silence Of The Lambs. I think I might go for something a little more light and fluffy tonight like The Transporter. Jason Statham, yum. ;)
• I'm so behind on my Howard Stern Show consumption. This past week's worth of show totaled somewhere near 40 hours worth of content! I've only gotten through about 30. :| But this is a good thing... means I've got lots of laughs to look forward to... it just sucks that I won't get to Monday's show until Tuesday or so. :|
• Okay, that's enough of me. ;)
• Goodnight folks.

DS333, consuming.

Latest Love <3 "Streaming Media"

Okay, so streaming media is certainly nothing new, at least not to me. In some ways I guess you could say it's an old love. Actually, I played around with the idea of an Old Love feature for this blog but it came about after I made the decision to keep things as they were. I guess Old Loves are something I'll save for version 2.0 of this little project. Anyway, even though streaming media is an old love, the variant I'm speaking of is a new one. I'm talking about streaming content provided directly from TV networks. Normally I would love to use this opportunity to trash big media and their ignorance of the Net and it's consumers, but this post is all about Love and that's all I'm gonna reserve it for. ;)

It's hard to tell what I heard about first... but I'm just gonna say it was the FOX deal. I was listening to an episode of The Dawn And Drew Show and heard Dawn extolling the wonders of the FOX On Demand flash player. She was in the same spot that I found myself in recently. She'd missed a few episodes of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares and navigated herself to the FOX site and caught up on the season right from the comfort of her browser, for free! I missed this past week's Hell's Kitchen and did the same. It was so easy. As easy as navigating to YouTube and watching a cat play the piano. I didn't have to subscribe to anything and the few commercial interruptions I encountered lasted no longer than 30 seconds as opposed to the four minutes or so I would've had to endure on network TV. It was beautiful.

Unlike FOX's site, I did have to subscribe to Hulu. The subscription process was no more cumbersome than any other subscription on the Net, it was pretty fast and simple. Initially, at least when I heard of Hulu, it was largely an NBC endeavor that resulted from a falling out with Apple and their iTunes Store contract. Now it appears there are several media giants' content you can stream. I even hear you can watch full-length feature films from the site, and like the rest of their content, for free! Pretty snazzy. But I've only taken a shot at streaming NBC's ER. I missed a few episodes this year and I used Hulu to catch up. It was a dream. So easy, so simple. In fact, I even forgot about this past Thursday's episode but didn't fret about it one bit since I knew Hulu would have my back. It's so great to have that safety net. In the past I would've had to torrent the show, and as much as I'm a proponent of torrenting I realize it's not without it's faults. There's always the worry about there not being a torrent out there at all, and if it is maybe the tracker site is down. Even still, if you're lucky enough to get your hands on the torrent you then have to worry about how healthy the seeding cloud is. Downloading your file could take minutes, hours or worse yet, days. It's so unpredictable, the entire process. The great thing about these streaming alternatives is having some degree of certainty.

Lastly there's South Park Studios, which obviously streams episodes of South Park... every episode of South Park! It's pretty awesome. Again, all streaming, all free and no subscriptions. The only down-side is an upload lag for new shows due to a contractual agreement with Comedy Central. :| But I suppose it's understandable. I've actually never used the site to the extent that I've used the others, because of that upload lag... but I hear it's great. I just like the idea that this option is out there, all of these options. It's quite spectacular when you think about it.

Okay, I suppose that's it for me. Appropriately enough I'm gonna jump onto Hulu and catch the lastest episode of ER. :P Now go my fellow gluttons, consume! ;)


DS333, *nom nom nom*.

Film Fetish: "My Blueberry Nights"

My Blueberry Nights (2007)
- directed by Wong Kar Wai


After a traumatic break-up a young woman treks across America in search of answers and change, along the way she meets a host of characters looking for the same.

I'm a huge Wong Kar Wai fan, which makes reviewing this film a dicey situation. I say that because I'd like to be as unbiased as possible, but that's almost impossible in this instance. It's hard to separate myself and my experiences with his past work in relation to this film. I've been trying my best to take me out of myself for this one, if only for a moment. If I had to, I guess I'd have to say it's not a great film. It might seem very sporadic, or maybe messy? Clunky and chaotic? Something along those lines. Like some of Kar Wai's past films the story's structured in an episodic fashion. A lot of the story unfolds as a montage of images and sound, making it difficult to create any deep connections with any of the characters.

Having said all that, I do feel it's a great film. It really just depends on your history with Kar Wai's work I suppose. I'm still unsure whether or not the average moviegoer would enjoy the experience because that's not how I came in contact with the film, and so I can never have that perspective. I can only make a guess. I would hope people would enjoy it. There's a lot here for a fan of his work to enjoy, plenty of allusions and references. They're the sort of things that make the story pop. They help to make connections to people and situations you might not otherwise. Then again, I feel most of Kar Wai's films are layered with archetypes. It's almost unnecessary to linger on any one story if you've seen the story play out before... in another film, another story, another song, etc. There's still something to be had, something to connect with. I just think the experience would be more enriching if you were to work off a symbology developed by the artist in the past.

As a fan, I was very much satisfied. It really tied together and worked off the Days Of Being Wild, In The Mood For Love and 2046 "trilogy". I felt some sense of closure to that arc. It was also one of Kar Wai's more uplifting stories of romance. It was hopeful. All in all, one of the best love stories. ;)

8/10 What I believe to be a very strong romance. Something to be enjoyed if you're in the mood for love. ;)


DS333, pleased as punch.


p.s. I didn't go into the technicalities of the film because I think they're pretty self-evident given that it's a Kar Wai film. Great everything. I know there's been much said about Norah Jones' acting but I think it was good... not great, but I wouldn't chuck any tomatoes at her. Jude Law, Rachel Weisz, David Strathairn and Natalie Portman deliver stellar performances. I was worried, given that this was WKW's first english-speaking film set in a non-Asian setting, but those fears were allayed. The soundtrack was as great as any other. Despite breaking ties with his longtime Director of Photography, the cinematography was breathtaking. It was just great, top to bottom. :D

001.300.365

• Oh shit, post number 300 already!? It's going to end soon. :( I guess I better really crack down and post the things I've always been meaning to.
• One of my favorite drinks on the planet? Martinelli's Apple Juice on the rocks. :P I'm not a drinker but I really love that phrase, on the rocks. The whole liquor vibe makes me think of bars and then I think of people's relationships being on the rocks... I think of people drowning their sorrows in a bar. And I think of cliffs and the ocean and it's the saddest thing ever.
• I've never seen GoogleReader get this high. I've racked up 451 new items. *sigh*
• I still haven't managed to get my plants growing again. It's something I certainly expect to get to in the next 65 days. This time around I'm gonna document it. :)
• It got hot all of a sudden. In the last hour or so. Kinda sucks, it's been so nice lately.
• Christ, I got next month's GQ already. I only just got April's issue a week or two ago. I'm sooo behind on them. :P :(
• My left wrist started acting up this morning. I think I slept on it or something. But the pain feels more deep, more sharp than dull. Whenever something happens to my wrists my paranoia goes into hyperdrive, so I've pretty much convinced myself that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. :P God, I hope I don't.
• I realized today that I could watch Jeopardy! for hours on end. I don't know most of the answers... or should I say questions? But I still enjoy it. And boy am I ever so excited when I do know the answers/questions. ;) Kinda lame. :P
• I kick ass at Wheel Of Fortune. Just so you know. ;)
• I'm doing everything I can to make sure my back doesn't touch the chair. I don't want sweaty back. :| I feel like a dignitary.
• I think I should sign out.

DS333, blanking.

Hello Stranger

So I took a walk today, as I normally do. I used to live in the city over and so I walk there from time to time, it's a familiar place. I don't walk too deep in the city since my starting points are different now. Taking my old route seems like a bit much, but I was in a walking mood so I went a little further than usual.

First I met up with this crazy chick on a bike. She came up from behind me and was saying something. I could tell I was being talked at, or maybe yelled at? But I couldn't make out anything that was said, not with my Etymotics in place. They seal out most every noise except the music. I suppose it's a bit dangerous, but I'm very careful about where I'm going and what's around me. Still, a runaway car or a swift pipe to the head have a much greater chance of making contact more covertly than they ever did before. I think this chick was angry with me for some reason. I believe she was demented. Homeless for sure. I've a soft spot in my heart for this sort. I always wonder if there's some profound wisdom we can glean from their insane rambling if we just take the time to listen. Most everyone seems to ignore the homeless in this way. They not only want to avoid their path, but they don't even want to look... and the one thing that can get through, their voices, they still manage to block out. They're heard but not listened to. I made sure to remove my earphones, but it was too late. By the time I got them out she was already gone. I wonder what she had to say...

When I was walking my old beat I passed this tree. I walked passed it without paying much mind to it, it was only on my way back home that I got a real good look at it and then my mind was flooded. This tree grows on the sidewalk. I couldn't tell you what kind of tree it is, I'm not good at that sort of thing. When I lived in that city I used to walk past it all the time. The funny thing about it was that there was this tiny nook where the two main branches of the tree diverged and created a little pocket of shelf of sorts. Each day I'd walk there I would find a toy there waiting for me. I was always amazed at how late in the day I'd walk past it and still find the toy there waiting for me. No one had ever picked them up, never stole them. I never took them either. I only just picked them up and smiled. They were the oddest things. Plastic baubles and stuffed dolls. I wonder where they came from. Not just who they came from, but where it was this stranger found them. Why place them there in the first place? I think it was for the smiles. It always made me smile. Who were they for? I wondered if I was the only one who knew of this secret. I never found out who this secret Santa was. But I guess he's gone. I walked there today and found the tree empty. Did they leave when I left? I wonder where he or she is now. For a second I played around with the idea of becoming them, taking up the torch so to speak. But I wouldn't really know how to go about it. It's a rare talent to make people smile day after day without a hitch. I don't know that I could manage. But I would like to try...


DS333, smiles.

Truddi Chase

I first learned of Truddi Chase when I got my hands on my Mom's copy of The Oprah Winfrey Show DVD box set. She was profiled in a section of the set called Heart Prints. For Oprah, a Heart Print refers to those people and memories that leave the greatest lasting impressions. People that change who you are and your view of the world. There were several people and moments showcased in the set, certainly all touching and poignant, but none of them struck me in quite the same way that Truddi Chase did. I've only the memory of those few minutes on-screen... and yet I find myself thinking of her quite a lot. At least, I think of her more than I do any other person I've encountered in this way. Her story, what little I know of it, is one of the most compelling I've ever heard.

Truddi Chase is the author of When Rabbit Howls, which may be the first autobiographical account of Multiple Personality Disorder. The title of her book, and her explanation of it is one of the most haunting memories I have. I carry in my mind the sound of rabbits howling, what I imagine that is and what it really means. She explained that rabbits have no vocal chords and so don't have the ability to make sounds... except in moments of the most extreme, intense pain. That image has lingered in my head ever since. I've the image of their softness in my mind, their innocence and harmlessness. It's juxtaposed with the harsh reality of violence. There's the stark contrast of red, wet blood covering once white, dry fur. I see sharp, black, hard claws tearing away at soft, pink flesh. I wonder what it's like never making a sound, living a life of silence... and then, finally, singing a dark and deadly tune. I wonder how jolting and jarring it must be to hear your own death cry, inside your own head, your own body in a way you've never heard anything before because it's coming deep within.

Truddi's break was triggered by years of emotional, mental, sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her parents. The splitting of her mind hid the memories. They were hidden but not lost. Her other selves hold pieces of her trauma. She's been able to recover what she lost. She tells of the process of dredging up these memories in group therapy. She says it's there that you can hear the rabbit howl. She says, when recalling their memories, when they're living the memory, victims make the same sound... an unnatural, unsettling whining and howling. Thinking of it... imaging the sound makes me want to break. When I think of Truddi Chase I'm overcome with many thoughts and feelings. Mostly I want to hold her, and those like her. I want to protect them. They've been to places my mind can't follow. They've lived horrors I never will. At the root of it all, I just want it to stop... and then I think how the silence of rabbits must be like the silence of lambs. That silence is something we can all hope for.

I'm not a naive person. I understand this is the way it must be. It's a mixture of the ugly and the beautiful, it's just the way of the world. This place is a marriage of light and dark. I'm not saying that I don't want to live in it or that I can't live with the dark but it just seems to me that things are askew. There seems to be more pain than pleasure in the world, more sorrow than bliss. I just want balance. Any healthy marriage should be an equal partnership and it feels like we're being dominated. Not in a perfect world, just a balanced and healthy world, rabbits wouldn't howl. It doesn't need to be perfect, just balanced.

As unnatural as it all seems to me, I'm still hopeful. I'm inspired by the strength of Truddi Chase. I think the idea floats around that people with disorders are weak. Well if that happened to me, I wouldn't break. Or maybe people don't even have to go that far, Well that happens to other people all the time and they don't break. I'm amazed at the ignorance of people, their inability to recognize our wide and various differences... you'd think they would given how much they use them to separate and attack each other. No one's ever been through what Truddi Chase has been through. No one's even been through what I've been through, or what you've been through... by virtue of the fact that Truddi is Truddi, I'm me and you're you. We can't live the same moments. Everything can appear the same... but the Devil is in the details, as they say. It's all accented and colored in the most subtle ways. Everyone's living in a perfect storm that'll pass or erupt. It all manifests itself in different ways. No one has to be weak or strong... just different... different people in different circumstances.

Having said all that, it might go deeper... the source of the inspiration. It's more the strength of the mind, the heart, the soul, the spirit... whatever that thing is that carries on. It's a thing we all share. It just so happens that it was Truddi's story that made it shine for me. Because you see, Truddi's mind didn't break. She's said the same herself, though in a different context. I'm speaking more fundamentally. She's still intact. She never left... only ever changed. Maybe it's better to say that she adapted, however, unconsciously. There's a resiliency of the mind that's undeniable.

I never liked the word break in this context, when speaking of Multiple Personality Disorder, it just doesn't hit the right note for me. It's feels better to say shifted or rippled. I have in my mind the image of what it looks like. It's like a divine web or sheet of liquid. To say shifted and have it make sense, at least to me, means to visualize the mind as a stream of bright, white light. I see a thick, solid pillar of this light. Then there's the presence of the trauma. The rape and abuse take the form of a dark prism. The prism is blocking the light... and so, to shine through, the light shifts and separates into a dark and glorious rainbow. To say rippled, means to visualize the mind as an expansive arctic pool. The trauma is falling from the sky, a dark and terrible mass. It's clumped together, so not altogether solid. The pool, on its own... as it exists now would not be able to support the mass, it's too heavy. It would break the surface and infect the lower depths. The pool fluctuates between solid and liquid, at once water and ice. The first few forms of the trauma, small and light, fall... they break the surface and cause a great stir within the pool. Those few pieces create a great splash. Ripples then waves. Spires of water shoot into the air and in the moment of this excitement the whole pool freezes over. Now what once was a single thin sheet of water is now a great, ornate, frozen structure of walls and spires... just enough to bear the brunt and weight of the trauma.

The other image, the divine web, I hold in my mind as a notion of fractals. It might look like a large sheet of glass, broken and intact, but not quite. There's also the exponential nature to hold onto... this idea that it's always ready to grow and expand. All of it is tied to this idea of mutability, because that's the quality of the mind. That's what I'm reminded of whenever I think of Truddi Chase. There's nothing so great, so terrible... the mind always finds a way to protect us. Life finds a way. But it's different for all of us. Some people go catatonic. Sometimes the body gives up. Sometimes the shift is subtle and sometimes there's a Truddi Chase.


DS333, intact.

001.297.365

• Guess what I watched today? :D My Blueberry Nights. But I have to shut my mouth and save it all for a Film Fetish post. :|
• I bought the soundtrack for My Blueberry Nights. Anyone who knows anything knows that one of the main highlights of a Wong Kar-Wai film is the soundtrack and this is no exception. A harmonica version of Yumeji's Theme!? I think I'm faint. :P
• Had one of the best turkey sandwiches I've had in a long time at the local mall, I think it was the swiss cheese that sealed the deal. My only wish is that I had remembered to ask for wheat bread. :( Oh well.
• I only learned today of the existence of a 2-disc collector's edition of There Will Be Blood. *drool* I'm such a whore for that film and the collector's packaging doesn't make it any easier to close my legs, it's exquisite. I want it so bad! :P
• I've been having a lot of those Thank you Apple moments lately, mostly thanks to Narcissus (my iPod touch). I love him so much. Gorgeous piece of machinery.
• It's official, I'm addicted to Starbucks espressos. I've a Joey concoction chilling in the freezer right now. I gotta work my voodoo to get it just right. ;)
• Huzzah! :P The dream of owning a Starbucks mug with the new revamped logo with the old world mermaid is close to being realized. I didn't see it on their online store, but I saw one in the flesh... er, ceramic. The only hook is that the mug is horribly designed. It's got this concave curve. :( I wanted a perfect, simple cylinder design... straight lines... like the one I already own! *pout*
• Okay, I gotta indulge myself... this soundtrack is making it near impossible to do anything but bask in it's beauty. ;)
• G'night kiddos and friendos.

DS333, tight-lipped.

A Rant # "Heat"

No, I don't have a bone to pick with the 1995 Michael Mann film starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. I wanted to bitch about the weather, that heat, the quality of being hot. I really don't have much to say other than I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! I was actually planning on blogging about something else but this superseded all else. I've awoken the past two days feeling miserable. The heat is incapacitating. I feel like a prisoner under it's sway. I'm a lizard, I keep still and try my best to maintain my body's temperature. I can't move. And when I do, the urge to sleep is great. I hate feeling this way. It's an altered state. I hate this almost as much as I hate being sick. I hate having no control over this spell. Luckily for me, it's a bit easier to combat the heat with my mental yoga than it is against sickness. But it's still a bitch. My mind's not that strong.

My only refuge is the shower, but that lasts only so long. It was actually in the shower today that I decided to bitch about the weather. I thought, This is going to end. It was probably the saddest thought I had in a long time. :P I didn't want it to end, but it would, it did and I just wanted to vent my frustrations about it. If I had a state-of-the-art air conditioning system and no regard for energy conservation I guess I'd be in heaven. But I don't and I don't. Aside from the showers I can always run to the local coffee shops and such. I don't feel guilty about consuming power in a communal space. It's like carpooling, no? But I can only go out so much. I like staying home. But I can't stand this place when it's like this. It's a kiln, or, in keeping with my heritage, a sweat lodge. :P It's unpleasant anyway you slice it. I just want to escape. That's what my mind does. I guess I misspoke (er, mistyped) earlier. When I'm sick I combat it. When I'm hot, I run. It's like they say, If you can't stand the heat... So I use my mental yoga to transport me. I get lost in fantasies of far off places blanketed in snow, encased in ice and drenched with rain.

I guess I could go on and on. I trip out on how fast ice melts these days, or how the aluminum backing of my iPod is no longer cool to the touch. Everything feels fucked up. It's so unnatural, this natural progression of the seasons. :P It's one of the things I love most about California, for the most part the status quo is maintained, but when Summer starts to come around the bend everything gets turned up a notch. I'm going to be absolutely miserable in the coming months. Fuck you Summer! Die! I can't stand this heat! :( I guess it would only stand to reason since I'm such a cold person... I mean, such a cool guy. :P ;)


DS333, melting, melting, melting.

Memory... "The Lives Of Others"

The oldest memories I have are around 21 years old. It's around kindergarten and first grade that I can remember things taking shape. I have a few memories from an earlier time, but I'd say they're more feelings than anything else, much too vague to be considered anything as concrete as a memories.

So it was, I'd guess, around five years old that I remember driving around with the family on a busy main street here in L.A. and letting my mind wander. I remember having a window seat 'cause the memory I have is of a car and some strangers.

For the whole of my childhood we lived in the same city, the same apartment. The place was situated near the city line. There was a riverbank that separated the cities and a couple of bridges that connected the two. I don't remember leaving our city all that much. It was something special to get to explore the rest L.A. It was exciting to leave our place. The city over and the one beyond were places of intrigue because they were so unfamiliar.

I thinks it's funny when someone asks me, or when I hear someone ask someone else what their interests are. It's been said here before that we're all the same. Different, but essentially the same. I think the differences are a matter of degree. What I'm getting at is that we all have the same interests, but there's just a variance of degree to which we commit ourselves to those interests. We all love music. We love going out. We love food, etc. But those things don't mean quite the same thing to every person. There are levels of intensity and passion that distinguish us in that way. I'm a voyeur or at least I have voyeuristic tendencies... you probably have them too. I'm not a voyeur in the strictest sense, it's not a sexual thing, that's why I backed off that one. Nor does my interest in others revolve around seeing them in pain... that's too specific. My fascination with the lives of others is more broad. I'm interested in everything I can learn about people. It's a deeply rooted fascination, a strong one at that.

The first time I can remember that facet of my character manifest itself was in that van, looking out that window at a car full of strangers. We were going home and I didn't want to but I knew there was no way I could stop it. We were driving down that main street and my Dad changed lanes. Being on that lane meant that we wouldn't go any further. But the car next to us was in the other lane. It was driving straight ahead. They were going over the bridge. I remember so clearly wondering who those people were and where they were going. Would they drive straight on into the next city? Would they take the freeway? When they got to where they were headed who would meet them there? What would they do? What would they say? I remember so clearly my imagination going into overdrive. It was going wild in a way it never had before and it was focused on these people I didn't even know, these strangers. I imagine that's where it all began, that curiosity. And now I see it's mixed up with a lot of things. There's a wonder of the unknown. I still hold with me that specific concept of people and places I've never seen and might never know. That idea of bridges and endless horizons. There's a bit of escapism thrown in there for sure. That urge to run away, not from but toward something. There's also this sense of empathy, a shared connection developed between the observer and the observed... it's vicarious. Anyway, like I said, it's mixed up with a lot of things.


DS333, ever watchful.



p.s. For those concerned with such things, the title of today's post is an homage to a film I've yet to see but I'm sure to enjoy. ;)

001.294.365

• Battlestar Galactica is back and better than ever! :D Last week's final season premiere was somewhat lackluster and left me disappointed, but tonight's episode was great! I've been dying to watch it ever since I saw the previews last week and the same can be said for next week's. Damn! I really hate having to be patient. :P
• Speaking of TV, a lot of the shows I watch are coming back without my realizing it.
• I need to catch up on three episodes of ER that I missed in January. The last one I watched was in December, and this past Thursday was... I guess the season premiere? I don't know if that's technically true. But I couldn't watch it, not until I watched those three episodes. The torrent clouds are non-existent, so I'm hoping that I can catch 'em on NBC's Hulu service. Never gave it a go, but I pray it works. It'll vex me to no end not knowing what happened.
• South Park is back as well. I caught up with the show about a week ago and felt that the majority of the episodes pretty much sucked, but I've been hearing the opposite here and there... so confusing. I'll never understand people.
• Hell's Kitchen is back too. My sister alerted me to this, thank the maker for Twitter. I've the first two episodes downloaded but I haven't watched them yet. I'm saving them. I want it to be special. :P God, I love Gordon Ramsay.
• Been going through the second season of Lost on DVD for shits and giggles. I finally caught up to the point in which I think the season really picked up: the introduction of Henry Gale. :D
• I went to Jamba Juice today and was pretty disturbed by their new menu signage. I can adapt to that sorta change pretty well... when it's done right. I really don't care for the new look. *shrug*
• Starbucks has revamped the iconic mermaid logo on their cups with what I assume was the original version. I'm crazy about it! It's so old world beautiful. Now all I can think about is getting a mug with the new look. ;)
• Very happy about finishing a specific element on a sketch that I've been working on. It's coming along quite well. I just know it's gonna be stellar. I feel the worst of it is over. I'm not too keen on working with symmetry freehand, it's far too stressful and time consuming. But I finally got it done.
• Did I mention that My Blueberry Nights was finally released on the 4th of this month!? It's the new Wong Kar-Wai (my favorite director?) flick I've been dying to see for over three years now. Last I checked it's only playing at two theatres in the L.A. area. The one I have my eye on is of course the ArcLight, god I love that theatre. I'd see it this weekend if it wasn't for the $14 price tag. In the interest of conserving I'll hold off until the next weekday when it drops to $11. I'm so excited!!! :D I can't wait! But I have to. :(
• I guess I should shut my trap now?
• See ya later snow bunnies. ;)

DS333, consuming.

A Birthday Gift?

Today's a special day. It's my brother's birthday. It's a funny thing, it took a little while to throw that sentence out there. I was considering the myriad ways I could've gone with it. Should I have said it was my brother's birthday? I don't feel that it's not. It's still the same day it ever was and will be. That just wouldn't have felt right. Should I have said my late brother? I've never quite taken to that term, it's too... evasive. When it comes to personal matters I often find the direct way to be the best way. I would much rather use the word dead than late. But ultimately I thought the idea of using a qualifier useless. He has been, is and always will be my brother... and this day will always be his.

I've never wanted to use this blog as the street corner at which I whore myself out to the public, so I won't delve any further than that. Of course I have much to say about my brother... but that's mine. I can't share that. But taking that to the extreme wouldn't have been the best solution either. I couldn't have glossed over what today was, that wouldn't have felt right. So I just thought I would mention it and let it be known that he's been on my mind today... more so than usual.

Normally I would've ended the post right there... but I just had to share this beautiful bit of synchronicity before I called it a day. It's about the post I made yesterday. The timing was perfect. Today, on The Howard Stern Show, there was a blowup between two friends/employees that exquisitely illustrated the unexpected and volatile nature of conversations I had spoken of. It always starts as nothing... it's almost innocent the way these things begin. Then it slowly begins to degrade. I lust for this stuff. Most of all I'm compelled by the rawness of it. The Howard Stern Show has always been a source of honesty, truth and reality... but there are times when a moment breaks through and transcends that norm. It was so intense. Brutal and ugly. Violent. God I loved it so much. I feed off this stuff. In some way it must make me a wicked person... if that's the case I totally own it, but I don't necessarily think it does. It's not that I don't feel horrible about what happened, I do. That's the point. I feel something. That's the only reason I seek this stuff out. It wouldn't mean anything if I wasn't invested and connected. But I just have more of a mind to rejoice in the horror of these little tragedies even when they're my own, rather than lament them.

Anyway, I thought it was funny... to have that happen today. I thought the timing was too perfect. I wondered where the moment came from. How wonderful to see things fall into place. And all the while I kept thinking, What happens next?


DS333, engrossed.

What's Next?

Last night this blog caught me off guard. I totally forgot about it. It wasn't until I was totally set to wind down for the day that it popped into my head. I've wondered before if that's ever happened without my noticing it. If it had, I wouldn't notice it afterward. I wonder if anyone else would notice. I've checked before, to make sure everything's accounted for... it was. I haven't checked recently. Maybe I should. But enough of my rambling.

I was sitting here thinking about what to write about. I couldn't think of anything. I mean, the ideas come and go all the time but they're especially elusive when I sit down in front of this monitor. I don't know why that is. Most days I have a clear idea or vision of what I want to say, something that just begs to be heard in some way, something I've been thinking about for a while. That's in equal part due to my wanting it to happen and it's will to be written. I guess the ideas sometimes feel insulted if I'm not carrying them with me for several days by the time I come here to sit down and write. It's understandable I suppose. If I were a thought I'd want nothing more than to be thought of. I guess I should make an effort to be more considerate and thoughtful in the future.

Though, it comes eventually. It always does. Literally, I had no idea how this post would write itself tonight... I was actually worried about it. I've been having a harder go of it lately (again, I don't know why), but I thought if I just sat here with the keyboard in my lap it would happen. And lo and behold it's happening.

Lately I've been thinking about the wondrous process of feeling things out, feeling everything out actually. I've said before how I've been drawing parallels to writing and drawing. Most of it is esoteric, but I think everyone can grasp the blank canvas. A canvas, a page, a music sheet, etc. It's all the same. It all starts with nothing and then it becomes something. But lately I've been fascinated at how these posts are most like conversations. The thing I love about conversations is never knowing how they're going to end up. That can be said for most everything, but I guess I've been lingering on conversations because of their reciprocal nature. That aspect of creation seems most apparent when I think of conversations. I've so many memories of so many conversations. I hold them close to my heart for many reasons... many reasons why I love to call them up from time to time. One of my favorite parts of conjuring them up is taking into consideration the full scope of their being. I think about the beginning, middle and end. The whole of them. What I like to call the long body. I've such a fun time holding the memory of one of my favorite conversations in my mind and considering how I was totally oblivious to their... what would I say?... their doing? their undoing? I've been unaware of where I would end up once I got things started. There's something special about that. Having nothing and then having something. Or having something and then having nothing. Like I said, their doing and undoing. My favorite memories aren't always good. And so too, my favorite conversations aren't always good ones. It's wondrous in a way considering the way something falls apart in front of your eyes. Seeing a conversation take a turn for the worst. Seeing something self-destruct. Having some part in that with another person. The back and forth. All of it, the good and the bad... I love thinking about how I got there and where I'll go next. I love not knowing what will come next...


DS333, inspired.

001.291.365

• Whoah! Almost forgot to blog.
• I've nothing much to say...

DS333, speechless.

Film Fetish: "War"

War (2007)
- directed by Philip G. Atwell


After the death of his partner at the hands of a notorious assassin known as Rogue, FBI special agent Jack Crawford is dead set on exacting his revenge.

My Mom's a huge Jet Li fanatic, which is how this movie fell into my lap. I'm not all too sure I would've watched the movie otherwise. It's not something I could see myself actively pursuing. I love a good revenge tale, especially if you throw in some assassins for good measure but something about the film never grabbed me while it was in theatres. I don't have a thing against Li and I'm a huge Jason Statham fan. Still, it didn't seem like my fare.

Obviously I went into the movie without any great expectations so I wasn't disappointed but I wasn't bowled over either. I did enjoy myself though. Overall the experience was mediocre, but I say that in the best possible way. It's got the feel of one of these filler flicks... it lacks any real substance. The fight scenes and action sequences aren't that spectacular or innovative but they're compelling enough to keep you engaged. I can't really say anything that bad about it. I sort of knew what I was walking into. It's okay and something worth watching if you're in the mood for something simple and violent. What else can I say?

6/10 This hovers above the most cliche flicks that the revenge genre has to offer, but still manages to entertain. Only worth consuming if you're in the mood for a simple action flick.


DS333, entertained.

Memory... "The Desert"

Oftentimes I'll finish a post with the idea that I'll follow it up with a sister post, because, invariably, one thought naturally leads into another. But I also, oftentimes, lose that thread. I've talked before about striking while the iron is hot. It's all about timing and mood. So when a couple of days pass, so does the thought. But I wanted to hold onto this one, I didn't want to lose it. I want to follow this thread.

This thing I do, this business of separating and distancing myself from others, isn't without its hazards. I think it was odd that I might have given the impression before that I don't experience loneliness. I didn't even hint at it. I wouldn't have gotten into it during that post because I wouldn't have wanted to extend it any further than it had gotten but that shouldn't have stopped me from at least hinting at it so that I could follow it up in the future. The fact that I didn't says something to me, it says a lot things, mostly that I'm fearful. This resistance to share fueled my willingness to do just the opposite.

I'm not that different from everyone else. No one is. We all experience the same things, the only difference is the degree to which those things are felt. I suppose I'm different from most in that I've a high threshold against loneliness in the face of an extreme amount of solitude. I'm so comfortable with it that I've had insane fantasies about solitary confinement. They're not exactly fantasies and they're only insane because I would dare compare my form of solitude with that of the criminally insane. I know they're not the same thing. But I've wondered, if everyone were locked up, how would I stack up? When would I break? How would I break? How would I change? To me, it just doesn't sound all that... punishing. But I'm sure it is. And still, I'd like a taste of it.

It comes. It's like clockwork, but not exactly because it doesn't happen at the same time... but it lingers for the same amount of time. It's exacting in that way. It happens once a year, for a day. The loneliness is so great and dark that I wonder if I could handle more than that one day a year. Maybe it's the unfamiliarity that breeds this intensity. I haven't built up a resistance to it. I'm ill-equipped to deal with it. Still, as powerful as those days are... they pale in comparison to this one day.

I was traveling to Arizona with the family to visit the family, extended. We always drive. And that trip is rife with long stretches of desert. Small cities, towns, rest stops and gas stations scattered in between. And it was at one of those gas stations in the desert country that it happened. I broke down. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why it came, but it was then that I felt the greatest, most intense loneliness I've ever felt. It was the worst of so many dark thoughts. It was like an abandonment. It was like a betrayal. It was like a confusion. It was disconnection. It wasn't being heard or felt. It wasn't being understood. It was invisibility, that was the worst of it. I remember feeling invisible. I thought this is what ghosts are like.

It happened so fast. I'd shattered before I even had the time to realize I was breaking. It was all that I could do to hold on because I felt myself slipping further and further away. Breaking and shattering is the best way to describe what happened. I was holding onto an image of myself, whole... holding to that thought, to that idea, was reining all the pieces in. Everything was falling away... I was losing it, losing everything... and the more I concentrated on what was happening the further things flew away. I felt so lost and confused. Keeping hold of my self in my mind's eye is what saved me. That helped put the pieces back together, helped me gain control. And while I was rebuilding I just remember bawling. It was uncontrollable. It was a flood made even more great by the fact that I don't cry, at least not since my brother died. That too I remember. The burning heat of my tears was the same as it was then. My eyes were on fire. And I remember that the sobbing wasn't so much like crying as it was like heaving and seizing. It felt like I was choking. And I couldn't stop. I thought, is this what dying is like? Everything felt so violent. That it came without warning felt like an intrusion. It slipped right in and I was defenseless.

I've been back to that place a couple of times, the physical place... but nothing came of it. I wanted so much to capture that moment again. It's troubled me ever since not knowing the why of it. I've thought if it happened once it could happen again. And while it might very well place among the worst moments of my life, I'd rather chase it than run away from it so that I can learn from it... I want to understand it and myself. I want so much to go back to that place so I can explore it from the inside. I think I've gone as far as I can from the outside. I need to feel it again because I don't know that I did at all... meaning I was too wrapped up on holding on to concentrate fully on what I was feeling. What I felt and what I remember was an eclipse and I feel the need to stare into the Sun. I need to go back so that I can deconstruct it. I need to guard against it in the future.

Being Navajo, having lived in the desert I know what it's really like and I know how it's misconceived. Ever since I was little my friends would ask about what it's like. They had this vision of a harsh, lifeless, empty land. But it's not all that harsh. It's not all that grim. It's quite beautiful. Quite lively. Full of life. Plentiful. They'd be amazed to learn that it rained, that there was water. They couldn't believe it snowed. It's as natural as any place on Earth, as divine as any other. The term God's country comes to mind. It's not like what a lot of people think it is. But I know, now, what those people speak of. I know that unnatural desert. I remember the desert being dark. Lifeless. Empty. Above all, I remember the desert being a lonely place.


DS333, on the hunt.

001.288.365

• The term ladyboy was introduced into my vocabulary today and I feel all the better for it. It's a wild and wonderful world out there and I love it.
• Got a couple of pants yesterday. I never heard of a beach pant before but thank the maker for their existence. They're like a divine paper. One pair's white which looks slick as all hell 'cause of the way the fabric breaks and wrinkles. I really dig the contrast of the bright white against all the shadows. They both have the oddest seaming and detailing. They're like an amalgamation of scrubs, hakama, khakis and pajamas. There's too much to love. But the real kicker is the other pair, they're red. :D I've never owned anything quite so ostentatious. I'm wearing them now and I couldn't imagine my life without them. :P The color is sick! I tweeted earlier about how the red pants, the black & white striped shirt and steel-toed combat boots I'm wearing make me feel like the Joker. It's a good day to be insane. ;)
• My GoogleReader's down to 13 new items. I love the new approach I've taken to my blog consumption. Eliminating this law to consume everything in one go at a specific time has really opened up the process to me. I mean to say that I enjoy the process more. I guess you could say that I'm savoring my food now, whereas I was shoveling it in before. I can take my time with the articles now. I'm doing a lot less bookmarking for later, more in depth, consumption as a result. It's great.
• Today I almost fell into a black hole. I finally set aside some time to dive into Radiohead's Nude Remix site. There's too much to go through!!! :D I love it. I could get lost in there for days and days. Luckily mission control was able to guide me back home. Though I expect to visit again sometime soon.
• I think I need to eat. I mean I know I should, I'm kinda starving. :P Ack! Son of fucking bitch!!! I forgot that I left my iced espresso in the freezer. Now it's probably all crystallized which will totally ruin the texture. I wanted it chilled, not frozen. :(
• I hate when I forget things in the freezer... or worse yet, the oven. I've the most annoying habit of leaving bananas in the freezer too long, and by too long I mean hours. :P I love a cold banana. But because of the peel, you really need to leave it in there for quite a while for the chill to set into the flesh of the fruit, long enough that you forget... or at least I do. :(
• I need to utilize the built-in alarm clock/timer of my iPod touch a lot more. It's a beautiful interface.
• Now I depart. G'day ladies, chaps and in-betweens. ;)
  

DS333, heavenly.

Anew

Lately at the forefront of my mind I have that thing reminding me that it's the purpose of the artist to deliver the essential anew, or maybe it's lingering in the back of my mind? Sometimes it's one and sometimes it's the other. Either way it's there, that's all that matters. It's there because of this blog. I realize I retread quite a lot of old ground. Or maybe it just seems that way to me? I mean, I know it's happened but maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it than is necessary? Maybe I shouldn't think of it as a problem. I don't, but I've wondered if I should. But the thought fades quickly enough. I like the idea of working through something again and again, telling the same story over and over. Doing so inevitably leads to greater insight, greater perspective. It's what I love about this blog, this weblog, this log. As I've grown older so too has the desire to have some sort of written record of my life, something personal I can pore over that lends some perspective on the nature of change... my change. I'd like to see where I was at... internally. I wonder what it will be like to look back on all of this somewhere down the line. I don't expect it'll amount to much. I actually have a lot of thoughts about a lot of different things... a fork in the road. I could go one of many ways with the post if I wanted to, but I think I'll let it end here. I'm sure to pick it up again sometime in the future.


DS333, breathing.

Breaking A Spell

I'm looking at my tabs in Firefox and I see an unfamiliar sight. I've 335 new items to read through in Google Reader. This is unusual because I only accumulate just over 100 new items a day and I make sure to read through my daily allotment before I go to bed. But I've broken the habit recently. It had a lot to do with the cold I had/have. There were a couple of nights when I just couldn't muster the energy to stare at a monitor, upright, for that long. So I let myself slide thinking that I would get back into the swing of things once I felt better. Well, I feel much better now than I did when I decided to slack off but I just don't feel a pressing need to catch up again. I did for a while, but it passed. I think this is a good thing. As far as habits go, I don't think reading up on the news is the worst but the commitment I felt toward consuming everything was.

I don't like to consider myself an obsessive-compulsive because I don't feel I suffer from OCD, and saying so would trivialize the horror that OCs live through every day, but I do feel I suffer from OCD-like behavior. It's nothing extreme but I often feel plagued by this sense of order. And it manifests itself in the oddest ways. It doesn't appear in all aspects of my life but in enough places that it can be felt, in enough places that it's become a problem. It's stupid really, but it's there. I've daydreamed before about what it must be like to not have this thing. For the most part I don't feel bad about it. In some respects I really love it. It seems so much apart of me and my character. And while I don't put much stock in what other people say or think, it's only when I hear about how odd this behavior is from others that I become doubtful. It doesn't necessarily need to be a criticism either, it just needs to be something that shines a spotlight on how my way isn't the way of others. So I wonder how it's like to be like everyone else. And there are aspects of that that I love. It seems like... I'm focusing on the wrong things. I'm directing my energy and time toward things that aren't fulfilling, and I'm neglecting those things that truly make me happy.

So I've been in an odd headspace recently. Because there have been a couple of things I've stopped doing, things that an older version of myself wouldn't believe possible. Surprisingly I feel good about it. And it's not so much about stopping things exactly... I'm not gonna bury my head in the sand as far as news is concerned for instance, but I need to stick to this realization that the world doesn't end if I'm not constantly wired. For me, this new thing is about trying to prioritize and gain some perspective. Things aren't where they should be and that's all on me so I need to kill this thing that makes that seem okay. It's been like being under a spell for a very long time. It's a strange thing. I don't know that much of it, the change, will be seen as much as it will be felt? At first anyway. I don't know... I just feel like it's a good thing to break some habits every now and then. It's something to consider and something I wanted to share. ;)


DS333, sloughing.

001.285.365

• In very high spirits today. Feeling good in large part to a revelation of sorts I had yesterday. Nothing major... but just a thought. I'm sure we all know what that's like. Looking at a situation through another lens. Makes things seem less... well... maybe it doesn't make anything seem like anything, it's just great to gain some perspective. Having the idea now feels great because it must have meant I was oblivious then, before I had the thought. I think one of the greatest tragedies in all the world is lacking awareness, especially self-awareness. It's wonderful to feel as though you can wrap your head around something and understand it in some small way.
  
• It's funny... I was so excited yesterday because I had this urge to write something today, but today is a Third day and so I'll have to wait. Now I can't remember what it was that I was gonna blather on about tomorrow. Maybe it'll come to me in dream. Maybe the point was to take away how much I enjoy writing? I remember that. I was drawing these parallels with drawing... and at some points during my yammering/writing I can touch that place I go when I draw. It was kinda wild to access that source in another way. Kinda like discovering another entrance to your house that you never knew was there. I was wondering how many different paths there are to that place. And then I was going on and on in my head about something I don't care to share now because I could go on forever and ever.
  
• I've been having fantastic dreams lately. I always enjoy my dreams for one reason or another. Even nightmares I enjoy 'cause I feel they get at the root of things... they're opportunities at self-illumination. Fortunately I haven't been plagued with nightmares. These dreams are different. I used the word fantastic for a reason. They're like little fantasies. Warped too. So they're not exactly pleasant but again, they're not nightmares. It's a weird marriage of light and dark. I think the thing that I've been taken with the most is their mystery. I've always, or at least most of the time, have been able to decipher my dreams... been able to draw some meaning from them. But lately I've been having a string of dreams that just don't make sense to me. I can't take anything away. I've some ideas about what that might mean... but that's personal. ;)
• My media consumption's been a bit screwy lately thanks to my latest obsession with In Treatment. I can't get enough of that show! :P I've gotten in the habit of watching a week's worth of shows in a night. That's two and a half hours of consumption time I've had to steal away from everything else. Everything will return to normal shortly though. Unfortunately I'm almost done with the season. :( There's 43 episodes and I'm gonna dive through 31-35 tonight. I hate that it's gonna end soon. Which is weird since I love endings as much as I do beginnings... but I just don't want it to end. I want more. I've become ravenous. I'm doing my best to psych myself up for the end. And I see it coming and it's on it's way - Tori Amos (Bells For Her, from Under The Pink).
• I've had this one line from Tori Amos' Dātura running through my head lately: Is there room in my heart / For you to follow your heart / And not need more blood / From the tip of your star?
• I've been laughing a lot today, the highlight being when I lost all control while I had a mouth full of cake and milk. I sprayed it all over and thought how wild it was that it looked so much vomit. It made me laugh all the more.
• Time to call it a night. Time to set sail.
• Goodnight you sailors and tailors.

DS333, at peace.