A Rant # "The Human Element"

I'm an avid watcher of The Biggest Loser. It's one of my all-time favorite shows and I think this season is the best so far. As good as this season is, though, they haven't yet managed to slough off the worst part of itself: The human element or the human story. There are actually a lot of things that bug me about this show, but this is my biggest complaint. I also hate the length of the show. It's unnecessarily long. I get the reasoning behind it, they want to extend their viewership on the station for as long as possible. Given that we're in the midst of a writer's strike and reality-based t.v. programming is the only place the networks can turn to for ratings I can understand this tactic. However, understanding it doesn't make me hate it any less. It's all bullshit. Most of the program is filler. And what is it they fill it with? The human element. It drives me insane. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good story and... I like getting to know these people and their stories, but I need it to come naturally. It works best that way.

The greatest thing about this season is the couples aspect. Being in this competition, working together, with someone they know and love makes for some really poignant moments throughout the show. But the best moments aren't manufactured, they're real. And I guess I'm really speaking to another point. I hate contrivances and inauthenticity. The producers of the show consistently try to make these moments happen by their own design. It doesn't work! It's too forced. It just doesn't feel real. I don't know how many impotent pop-psychology bullshit conversations I've had to suffer through all for the purpose of capturing tears on film. I hate it. I can't stand people fucking up a winning formula. All the pieces are in place, the emotion and reality will come naturally without your intervention. Just let it happen! You can't force truth, it just is.

There's also something so disgustingly insincere about these contrivances. It's exploitative, plain and simple. I don't have anything against exploitation, so long as it's owned up to. Here, they play up these situations under the guise of personal enrichment and growth. It's so pathetically transparent. We're not children, we can see through these things. It's so insulting to everyone involved. Most of all, it's counter-productive. It never works. You can't manufacture the real.


DS333, annoyed.

001.222.365

• The 222nd post. Seems significant, no?
• I almost forgot to blog tonight. I just remembered as I was brushing my teeth.
• I really need to get into the habit of posting on this blog earlier in the day. That'll never happen. ;)
• Finished the entire third season of Lost on DVD. I'm all set for the premiere of season four later tonight! :D I can't wait.
• I need to catch up with Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. I have the first two episodes in hand.
• I was really suffering from the Twitter outage earlier tonight. I hate when that happens.
• I've been falling in love with Pownce all over again. It has a lot to do with upgrades to their Adobe AIR app. The new Pownce app is phenomenal. I'm such a sucker and a whore for a solid piece of software. ;)
• I've been feeling groovy the past few days. I got the devil in my hips, as I like to say. ;)
• I like to think of these particular blog posts as my lost tweets. There's always something to be said and always things never heard.
• I was trying to customize my Tumblr page the other day and I couldn't. :( It made me very sad and frustrated. It's the one thing I forgot to change with the new year. It was still sporting 2007's Black & Green motif.
• My arms hurt.
• I was a singer in a past life. At least that's what I gather from all the singing and humming I've been entertaining myself with lately. ;)
• It's so great not to be sick anymore!!! :D
• I should probably head to bed now. ;)

DS333, much better.

2046

It took me a while to decide upon a title for this one. Sometimes I like to hold off on that until the end. Holding off frees things up a lot, I think. Naming something from the outset, compartmentalizing it, tends to limit my range of movement. But I'm not looking to riff tonight. I have the idea in mind. I've been thinking a lot about this one place. So I thought of going with Our Glorious Years...; Another Room; Time Out Of Time; etc. But how could I go with anything but the obvious?

There were two ways I was thinking of going about this. In the first, I could've provided a back story and unveiled the source material which would almost certainly ruin that experience of discovery; not fun. In the second, I could've totally disregarded the source and limited my discussion to it's reference; also not fun. I'm going to go with the third option and split the difference. I'm not going to link to the inspiration of this musing but I am going to reference it directly, and for those intrepid readers who decide to explore the source for themselves be warned that you could spoil things if you do. ;)

2046 is a room. A very special room. It's interesting, trying to visualize the mind at work, especially memory. For me it's sometimes tunnels. Sometimes it's filaments of light. Maybe they're drawers. But more often than not they're doors and windows... that lead to rooms. 2046 is the number of a hotel room. 2046 is dream, memory and space all in one. 2046 is having a memory to a place and time that no longer belongs to this place and time. Memory, by virtue of being exactly what it is is no longer a part of this place and time because it's a part of the past. But 2046 is more than that. More disconnected. The splendour of it's experience in the flesh is too great to hold onto in memory. It becomes otherworldly. 2046 isn't here. 2046 is about love and loss. It's a love out of time. Sometimes you don't believe you've been there; that you could be there. There is the dream of what could have been. 2046 is lament and regret. Always about what could have been and can never be changed. There's a hunger to feel again, to burn again. 2046 is smoke and ashes. People travel to 2046 never knowing it; never knowing what they're on the hunt for. 2046 is longing and sadness. It's a memory of a time and a place that no longer belong to the people we've become. They're ghost lies. Fantasies of what was and can never be. The memory is sharp and solid; Two edges. Beauty coupled with the pain of loss and change. 2046 never changes and it never leaves. You can travel to 2046 any time you please, but it always comes at a price...


DS333, leaving.

Utter Bullshit

I can't think of anything to write about! :O How this usually works is that something will come along during the day and catch my attention and I'd run with it. But nothing's really striking me in the right way today. I figure I'm just out of practice. Being on the mend from my cold has really taken it's toll it seems. I don't give much credence to the writer's block phenomena. I think that's utter bullshit. I've heard enough respected writers say the same. That illusion is rooted in a lack of will or motivation. I think I'm just lazy. I just haven't been... well first off I'll say again that I'm not a writer. I can never impress upon you enough the reality of this; the written word is not my medium. :P But whatever the art, the block always surfaces and I never buy into it. If I had to, with a pen in my hand, an endless supply of paper and stamina I could draw until the end of time. There's always something to work with. So maybe it's a lie when I say I can't think of anything to write about... but I'm not a writer, so it's more tricky for me to wrangle something here; in this world.

It's such a dangerous thing to get out of the practice of doing something on a regular basis I guess. When I was sick I had the opportunity to taste a life without this daily blogging. :P Ahhh, it will be sweet. ;) I say that as though it's back-breaking labor or that I didn't continue doing it. It's not the worst thing, but I always fret about what I'm gonna put down on "paper". I never really plan anything out, it's just something I wing. That's the tricky part I guess. I need to have more topics in my arsenal in case I go blank. Maybe I should plan more, especially since I'm not so comfortable with this animal. At least I should keep track of those little things that float in and out of my head. But like I said, I can always find something... it's just hard when my back is up against the wall and I'm staring at this monitor. It's a weird line to walk. I feel if I plan too much it'll become tedious (in a bad way) and... well I don't want this to be contrived, I kinda want it to just spring forth. I never want anything fun to feel like a chore. Lists, drafting, etc. seems to be a sure ticket to that whole space...

I need something... I just don't know what it is. I need to work my head around the problem. Make it fit... within my personal universe. I need a voice and a... I don't know. Anyway, whatever. This is all bullshit, as the title warned. :P Just feeling this out. This is the first day that I've gotten used to writing again. I need to feel out my fingers again. I'm loving the sensation of typing at least. ;) It's cool... in fact, it's all coming back already. Rambling on like this has already inspired a few things. Which is usually how it happens, with anything. It's like wading through a pool and creating ripples and waves. I can see something forming...


DS333, flexing.

001.219.365

• Woohoo! Cold begone! :D
• My brother visited today and we caught Rambo in the afternoon. As usual, the review is pending. ;)
• Scored a gallon jug of Martinelli's Apple Juice at the local Vons. Thank the maker I didn't need to make the trek to Pasadena to get it. Found it in my own backyard. :)
• Had some Navajo Tacos tonight.
• Been burning through the Lost season three DVD box set. God that's such a good show. :D I'm on the second to the last disc right now; I should finish it tonight. :| All good things...
• Watching Lost, I'm reminded of how ridiculous people can be. Talk! Speak! Communicate! Just be fucking honest and open! *frustrated sigh* :P So much could be solved this way. Though, I guess... well... best not to finish that thought. ;)
• Ha! Just had a lapse. Tomorrow's Monday. Felt like it was something else.
• I've a lot of messages to get back to since I'm all better now. Playing catch-up is fun. ;)
• I haven't worked out in weeks. Time to bust my ass tomorrow.
• I've some Dreyer's orange creme ice cream waiting for me in the freezer. I can't wait to dive into it. :D
• I'd prattle on some more, but I wanna get in a few things before 3 a.m. rolls around. I've just under two hours to do that.
• Good to be back kiddos. ;)

DS333, blissful.

Projected Projects > "Lost Again, Last Lameout"

Okay, still a little sick. So I'm kinda laming out on this one. :P But I promise this will be the last of my lame sick-posts since I expect to be 100% either tomorrow or in the following few days. ;) Let's hope I don't contract Ebola anytime soon. ;) Anyway, I'm feeling particularly lame since I have a huge large pepperoni pizza from Red Brick that I'm sure to polish off all on my lonesome and a huge vat of Nestea Raspberry Iced Tea. :D :D :D I'm very happy and gluttonous tonight. ;) So yeah, last night I began watching the third season of Lost on DVD. I finished Disc 1 and I plan to get through all of 'em before the premiere... next week? I'm sure I can do it. Nothing big. But I felt I should post about something. :P Later later folks...


DS333, hungry!

Linkage ~ "Dreams"

My initial plan for Linkage was to link to a string of like-minded content. Nothing revolutionary, in fact it's old-school weblogging in my book. So I loved the way in which these three pieces fell together, but their discovery is not mine. Even still, I couldn't not link to the content and of course I'll give credit where it's due. These links were wrapped together in a nice little package at Ain'tItCoolNews (here), but why would you risk visiting that site given how horribly designed it is? It's an offense to the senses. :P

First thing up is a talk/lecture given at Carnegie Mellon University by Computer Science professor Randy Pausch who is currently fighting pancreatic cancer. This talk is a part of a long going series of Last Lectures and you really needn't know more than that to appreciate this brilliantly constructed and poignant presentation covering the whole of the professor's life. His exuberance and enthusiasm is of the most infectious order and one of the main reasons I enjoyed this video so much. It's a whopper, clocking in at well over an hour... but you just gotta give it a chance; you won't be disappointed. If you're feeling antsy, you should know that Randy's lecture doesn't begin until the 8:26 mark. Enjoy:







Next up, is another presentation from a very exuberant and enthusiastic man, J.J. Abrams. Abrams (of Alias and Lost fame) gave this talk at TED in March of last year in which he delved into his inner motivations for the work he's currently involved in. I never tire of an artist sharing their thoughts on their work, their process, their inspiration, etc. and Abrams definitely delivers in this regard. An entertaining musing on the concept of mystery. This is much shorter than the previous video, clocking in under 20 minutes. Enjoy, again:







Finally, bridging the two, is this awesome little blog post by Randy Pausch... I won't spoil the best of it, but here's an e-mail Randy received from J.J. Abrams to pique your curiosity:

JJ Abrams wrote:
> Dear Randy --
>
> Hi there -- I'm JJ Abrams, director of the new Star Trek movie.
>
> I read about you and your condition, and ALSO your affinity for things
> Trek.
>
> So, I just wanted to put the invitation out there -- that if you had
> any desire to be in the film (can't promise you role as CAPTAIN,
> but... we could do SOMETHING!), it would be my honor and pleasure.
>
> The last thing I want to do is intrude, so feel free not to reply --
> but I wanted to make sure you knew that, if you are willing and able,
> the door is wide open.
>
> I hope that your treatments are going well and that we get to meet one
> day.
>
> Best,
>
> JJ

You can check out the full post at Randy's blog, here. Unfortunately it's not the slickest platform so you'll have to scroll down to view it. It's titled Star Trek!!! and appears in between the December 1st and November 29th posts. Enjoy, yet again. ;)


DS333, inspired.

001.216.365

• I'm feeling sooo much better than I did last night. :D I'm thinking it'll be smooth sailing from here on out. *knock on wood* For the first time in a few days I've started to feel like my myself again. I can actually think! :P
• We've been blessed with two days of heavy rain. I hope it lasts forever. ;)
• One of my dream locations, as in If I could live anywhere in the world I would live in..., is Seattle. God I love the rain. But I love Los Angeles too much. I'm never leavin' this place. The ocean will swallow me up here.
• I haven't been doing my daily training with Brain Age 2. :(
• I can hear the rain falling outside. The greatest sound on Earth.
• Had some Jamba Juice today.
• Oooohhh feeling dizzy. I think I need to lay down. :P I don't wanna push myself.
• Should be back on track tomorrow.
• Keep orbiting you little satellites.

DS333, rising.

Death Bed Post

I've gotta lame out tonight. I'm sick as all hell. This cold or flu or whatever the fuck this is seems to be in it's death throes so it's lashing out really wickedly at me. :( I've got a killer headache. I've got the chills one minute and then my male-pre-menopausal hot flashes the next. :P I'm feeling nauseous. My back's killing me, etc. I'm just all over the place. I can hardly think much less blog. I'm hoping this is the eye of the storm and it'll be all roses tomorrow. But I won't know until I get some rest. Back me on up boys...


DS333, in battle.

Absolute Terror

The AT (Absolute Terror) Field is a device used in the wildly popular and hugely successful 1995 Japanese anime TV series Neon Genesis Evangelion. I first became aware of the series in 2000. A couple of years later I became truly familiar with it. I own the entire series box set including both films. That said, I wouldn't consider myself the biggest of fans. Overall the series is a bit convoluted, bordering on the sloppy and poorly written/realized. My core interest in the series laid in witnessing a budding modern mythology take hold in something so accessible to a young audience.

For the uninitiated, NGE is a unique giant robot/mecha anime series laced with heavy religious and mythological overtones. I'm trying to be as concise as possible since this post isn't really about focusing on the series as a whole, my thoughts or criticisms, my admiration, etc. I just want to talk about the Absolute Terror Field, period. I find that whenever a thought decides to float in, I can't shake it until I pay it the due respect or attention. I'd been racking my brain trying to figure out what I wanted to blather on about tonight; I was hoping to find something incredibly short. But I couldn't think of anything, anything but the AT Field. I figure I have no choice in the matter. It wants to be thought, it wants to be known, it wants to be heard.

Okay, well within the world of NGE the AT Field, at it's most basic, is a shield. The protagonists of the series pilot these cybernetically augmented flesh-and-blood creatures known as Evangelions or Evas. The Evas are the Earth's great, main defense against the Angels. The Angels, unlike the Evas, take on several different forms. Sometimes they're light, energy, steel, flesh, etc. But the one thing that the Evas and the Angels have in common is the AT Field. These shields are rendered much like any force field would be, as a barrier of light. The AT Field is the strongest defense on Earth. It's near impenetrable. They can only be breached by specially designed heavy artillery or properly tuned inversions of the AT Field; an AT Field can be used to breach another. That's the gross, physical, literal interpretation of the AT Field.

The power of the Absolute Terror Field, for me, lies within its symbology. It's that which I've been consumed with the last few days. I don't know why. As I've said, I've been familiar with the series for quite some time so the thought isn't a new one... but it just decided to show up. Anyway, it's learned much later within the series, toward the end, that every creature on Earth possesses an Absolute Terror Field. It's that fear deep within our hearts, that fear that keeps us apart. It's that barrier that houses our ego. It's a reality of being within this field of space-time, to experience this separateness. And the beauty of the Absolute Terror Field is its physical rendition. Speaking to that point of modern mythology I brushed upon earlier, I think it's the greatest thing an artist can do to render a thought/feeling/concept in such a way that it speaks to our modern minds and our ancient souls at the same time.

While we don't have the technology to render the Absolute Terror Field in quite the same way it's rendered in the series, we do have the science of electromagnetism to work with. While it's not at all touched upon in the series I believe wholeheartedly that the creators intended the audience to make that leap within our minds: we're basically walking pillars of atoms. Atoms and electrons. Connected and disconnected. It's those electrons, that energy, that keeps us together and apart. The only reason my fingers aren't being absorbed into the keyboard I'm typing on now is this repulsion of electromagnetic fields at the atomic level between my fingers and these keys. That's a physical manifestation of the Absolute Terror Field. I can't see it, but I can feel it. I've felt it all my life, we all have.

You know that feeling when you're with a lover and... all you want to do is get closer? You're in the heat of it, and you feel that ache and that pain. You do all that you can to hold him closer and tighter and still there's no relief. Even sex can't get you there. You can't go deeper, you can't embrace more tightly. You want to be absorbed, consumed and subsumed. But it's a reality of being within these bodies that keeps up apart. I always imagine being light and wanting our colors to mix. But these bodies, this Absolute Terror Field keeps us apart. I imagine complicit trust is the cure for that angst, restlessness and frustration, but that experience is what I like to think of as the Light AT Field. It's the experience of being caged by our bodies and ego and lusting to break free.

The Dark AT Field is the experience of being sheltered and protected by our bodies and ego. It's all the same, just a shift in perspective. The image I conjure in direct opposition to the Entwined Lovers is the Lost Wo/Man Within A Crowd. It always surfaces to my mind when I'm out in the city and I see someone even mildly distressed or aloof in a large crowd. You detect this sadness. And it's there, you can see the fear. It keeps them lost and separated. And in those moments I'm always struck with the idea that we're all the same and so I'm struck more by the ridiculousness of that specific situation. We all want the same things. We want to be loved and protected and in turn love and protect those around us. At our cores we're the same. But it's the physical, the illusionary that keeps us separated. I never understand why it's so hard for someone to ask for help or turn to a fellow man in a moment of distress. There's this gap, this canyon, this disconnect. And I can understand it. It's all about pain and trust. But there are so few people willing to make the leap. I know what it means to be hurt by someone else, believe me. I'm a cynic and introvert through-and-through but the experience of being hurt has never made me lose faith in my fellow man; made me feel as though I don't want to open myself up to the experience of being open and close with someone again.

I see the AT Field whenever I see someone afraid to ask for directions, ask for help, ask a question, strike up a talk, ask for my number, cross the street, etc. There's this soul-shaking fear that's so simple and complex that makes monsters out of men. It's the most tragic thing on Earth... to see a physical manifestation of Absolute Terror everyday.

Anyway, to be able to create a symbol so strong that's so easily accessible in our minds and in our hearts is... I don't know what it is. It's my greatest aspiration. It's equal parts physics and metaphysics. Science and art. So I think of the Absolute Terror Field quite a lot, maybe not the exact idea, but the reference. This idea of shields and cages. It's really not quite the same as introversion and extroversion, which I think is what some people might infer. It goes deeper than that. It's not about... well yeah, it's not about that. It's about trust. And hope. And faith. There's also a lot to be said for freedom as well. I think this only surfaced because of my sickness. I've been viewing my body as a cage (as I often do). I'm light and this thing is bringing me down. I don't feel sick, but I am. I just hate this sickness and I hate this separateness.

The Second Child, Asuka Langley Soryu piloting Eva Unit 02 erects her AT Field against attack.

DS333, alienated.

001.213.365

• Still sick, but I'm getting there. There being a healthy state I hope. :P
• Moving outside of the interactive mode on the Net has given me the opportunity to fall back into the space I was always more comfortable with: passive observer.
• So I did see Cloverfield on Saturday with my brother. Ever since I've been obsessed with diving into the extended universe of the movie that I had been avoiding all these months. Like anything J.J. Abrams has got going on, it's quite engaging.
• My Mom bought a tanker full of drugs and meds for me today. I appreciate the sentiment but I'm just not into taking antibiotics for a common cold. There's no cure, I just gotta tough it out and I'd rather tough it out without the use of something so severe.
• I was bedridden most of the day. My throat was killing me. My brother visited and I missed him. :(
• There are some videos on the Net that I've been wanting to watch for some time, but they're just so damned long. The first one up is an hour and 44 minutes long! Anything longer than four minutes, on the Net, is stretching it in my opinion. There's just something different about viewing video from a browser as opposed to a dedicated media player. It doesn't quite make sense, but it affects me.
• I'm hungry. My brother brought over a turkey club for me earlier today that's just begging to be polished off.
• Ooops! Got interrupted by an IM chat with an old friend that lasted a couple of hours. Now I'm feeling all typed out. Lucky for me. ;)
• Goodnight travelers. :)

DS333, in between.

TV Time + "The Amazing Race S12E11"

The Amazing Race - The Final Push (*Spoiler* Link)
Air date: January 20th, 2008 on CBS

Still sick. Not in the mood right now. :P The most I can do is watch and absorb. ;)

So the season finale of The Amazing Race is about to air here on the west coast in less than 20 minutes and I'm so excited about it. It's the first time in a long time (or maybe ever) that the final three teams are all people I'd be happy to see win. That last episode was a godsend. Not having an enemy in the midst of this race means there won't be quite the same tension as before, but I can deal with that just fine. It's more annoying than anything to see someone in the running who you feel doesn't deserve to be there. So this time around, it should be quite an enjoyable experience... more so than usual I mean. Y'know, I'm so out of it right now that I can't conjure up any images of the final three teams save for one, otherwise I'd make some predictions right now. But like I said, I like them all so much that I almost don't care who wins. So maybe predictions are a waste of time. But y'know...

Anyway, the show's about to begin and I gotta prep... munchies and such. ;) Have a good one folks.


DS333, *cough*

TV Time + "Project Runway S04E08"

Project Runway - En Garde!
Air date: January 16th, 2008 on Bravo

Like the next few posts I have coming down the pike, I'm gonna make this one short. I'm still sick and the last thing I want to do is blog. :P It's enough of a trial standing up. I can push myself to read, but I'm in no condition to formulate half-way coherent sentences. :P

*Spoilers*

Is the fix in? I'm by no means naive. I get that most reality programming is scripted. I can accept it. So when my sister brought up the idea that the producers of Project Runway were the one thing keeping Ricky in the show, I shouldn't have been shocked or appalled. But I was! I guess I've always held the show up to a higher standard. And I still do. I can't and don't want to believe that he's still in the running solely for his story and drama. She brought this up a couple of weeks ago. Given what's gone down in the last episode I have to wonder though... What if the fix is in? Are they keeping Ricky in longer than he deserves to be?

I don't buy it. I don't think the producers have that amount of pull. Like I said, I'm not naive so I know that last sentence must sound insane, if not, certainly stupid. But I just don't believe it. I think, more than anything, the show is a fair-and-square competition. They wouldn't compromise the integrity of that competition. And taking that stance, I can certainly see how Ricky could still be in. But it's still amazing and perplexing to some extent. The guy's got an angel on his side that's for sure. He's really pimping out lady luck. He should be gone. I want him to be gone. He has to be gone. If he's not cut from the running in the next episode I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. The only reason he's still in, I guess, is because he wasn't the head designer this time around. Otherwise he would have been gone.

I could go on. But like I said I wanna make this one short. I don't know that I care to go into my wild theorizing about the voting logistics this time around. :P It's too crazy and pathetic. ;) I just know that I'll be an unhappy man if Ricky is still on the show the following week. Too many talented artists have gone ahead of him.


DS333, loopy.

001.210.365

• Apparently I wasn't over the hump. Still quite sick. Oh when will this end? My throat is tore the fuck up. :(
• I'm rocking an awesome baritone in my humble opinion. :P I'm channeling Barry White. ;)
• So the plans are set. My brother and I are gonna watch Cloverfield tomorrow! :D Can't wait! I hate having to go out when I'm sick, but I think I can manage and I'm very good about not being infectious and viral. :P
• I have to head to bed earlier than usual so I'm up early tomorrow, but who knows if that'll happen. :P
• Rocking out to my Least smart playlist. I can't believe I don't play some of these songs more often.
• There's nothing on TV today.
• I have a lot of links I need to dive into.
• I sure could use some juice, I might go out later.
• I've amazing control of my voice right now.
• Oh! I finally got to watch Steve Jobs Macworld 2008 keynote address. I was getting a weird connection error every time I tried to stream the thing. Thankfully Apple provided a downloadable version via a podcast feed. :D
• I love wearing v-necks. The more severe the better. Have a thing for henleys too. ;)
• Been thinking of watching the third season of Lost on DVD to prepare for the fourth season premiere. Time is ticking. Tick-tock.
• I don't have much to say. I just want to lay down and listen to some tunes. :P Music soothes the savage beast. ;)
• Goodnight. :)

DS333, recouping.

Over The Hump?

I'm feeling better today. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Normally it wouldn't be. I say that because I used to be in the habit of getting sick quite often. Every eight months or so. But the last couple of years have been rather odd. I've gone for very long stretches without getting sick. Which either means I've been more careful than usual or I've built up my immune system somehow. I can't really be sure. I don't feel like I've been doing anything differently. I figure I just got lucky.

Coupled with the frequency, the severity of my colds is something I dreaded. Being sick meant being out of commission for at least two weeks. At the most, three weeks to a month. I have the worst colds. It's such a drama. I hate it. But this time around, I don't know... even that's different. I'm feeling pretty lucid considering this is only the third day in. I almost feel like the worst of it is over. Maybe I could be done with this by the weekend? *knocks on wood* But I don't really want to say that. Maybe it's just the calm before the storm? I don't know. It's all weird. My body's not acting like it used to. There's something to be said for consistency. But how awesome would it be to be done with this in like 4-5 days? Ahhh... what sweet bliss. I can only hope, and I don't even wanna do that. :P I don't want to jinx anything.

Anyway, that's enough for me. I'm not %100 just yet so I should probably lay down and give my eyes and back a rest. Hope this passes fairly quickly. It's my hope that this too is a change for the better. ;)


DS333, recovering.

The Inhuman Condtion

I love that title. ;) Not my own. I first saw it at a Barnes & Noble in Long Beach; the title of a Clive Barker novel. I haven't really gotten into Barker's literary work, save for the great Quiddity Trilogy which I love so dearly. Oh how I'm dying to get my hands on that third book. Anyway, I haven't branched out and read the rest of his catalogue because I just have so many other things on my plate and... maybe there's a fear that the rest of it won't live up to the greatness that I've already experienced. But if I ever were to delve into his work further, I think I would go against the grain of my character and jump straight to The Inhuman Condition. I love that title so much. It's one of those things that made me think, I wish I would've written that. If given the time I'm sure I would've. It's so great. Works on so many levels. It really makes me wonder what the actual book might be about. There's so many possibilities.

Anyway, I'm sick. I kept thinking about the Human Condition today. This one aspect, the physical. I hate this. I hate it all. I want it to go away. Deliver me from this evil. I just want to be light right now. I want to be divorced from this shell. It's so... heavy. It's all mucus and pain. I hate being sick!!! :P It really brings me down. I feel like I'm not here, like I've been hijacked. Thankfully I don't feel sick, but in a way that's worse. The mind is here, I feel fine... but my body is a wreck. I'm so numb and... just miserable. It's everything. It's the nerves, the hair, the flesh, the eyes, the sinuses, etc. I want to escape.

It's a weak charm, but I just keep meditating on the thought that things could be worse. But isn't that always the case? But it's working I suppose. I wouldn't dare call what I'm going through suffering. This isn't true pain. So I'm toughing it out the best I can, if not for myself than for those true wretches. I'm near the ocean right now. I've the breeze coming through. This is nothing. It'll pass.


DS333, wading.

001.207.365

• I'm sick. :( It's been well over a year since I last got sick, which is a blessing since I'm usually hit with it every eight months or so. It was only a matter of time. Time to pay up I suppose. :|
• I'm in the beginning stages of my cold. I don't really feel too sick. For now it's just my throat, it's so sore (please no lame blow job jokes). Plus I have this lingering little headache, I've had it all day long. It's like a numbness. I'm very sensitive to sound right now as well and my chest and shoulder muscles are sore. :( Not a good day.
• I wish I could sever my head from the lower neck, set it aside for a week or two and reattach it when this is all over. Ah, to dream.
• Today was Macworld 2008!!!
• I haven't yet watched Steve Jobs keynote address today. I haven't done much of anything today. I just want to lie down and die for two weeks. :P But I think I'm gonna watch it now.
• Ah! I want a MacBook Air!!! :P Sure it's pretty neutered but I don't need much in the way of ports and such. I'm a creature of the Net more than anything. The WiFi is all I need. ;)
• I'm a bit miffed about having to shell out $20 for those free iPhone apps for my iPod touch. What a rip! In my wildest dreams (I knew this was coming) I was hoping to only pay $5, and at the most $10, but $20!? That's insanity. Oh well. What am I gonna do? Not buy it? :| *over a barrel*
• My left wrist hurts like a bitch.
• Never type from bed with your hands bent sharply.
• Okay, that's it. The last thing I want to do right now is blog. I just want to lie down.
• It should be interesting to see how the next couple of weeks go on this blog. Never had to soldier on through a cold before during this project.
• Goodnight.

DS333, numb.

Projected Projects > "Code"

This one you could consider a New Years resolution. Although it's something that's been kicking around in the back of my head for some time. For almost two years actually. Gee, maybe even three? I'm such a whore when it comes to timelines. Okay, no, yeah... just over two years, coming up on the third. On my 24th birthday I was dying to get my hands on a brand spanking new copy of O'Reilly's HTML & XHTML - The Definitive Guide by Chuck Musciano & Bill Kennedy. One night, some time before my birthday, while my brother, Mom and I were out in Long Beach we stopped over at a Barnes & Noble and my Mom answered my prayers. That night I walked away with a new O'Reilly animal book of my very own, my first in fact. It was a very special night and a very special gift. I loooved it and love it still. Though you wouldn't know it based on observation. :(

I think the hallmark of any great gift is the amount of use derived from it. If that were the case, you might say my O'Reilly book is pretty shitty. But it's not! That assessment speaks more of me and my motivation than anything else. I'm glad that I have it and you'd have to kill me to pry it away from my hands, but sadly I've let it languish. It's horrible. I feel such guilt about it. There's so much potential there, in the book and me. We need each other. Apart we're just sorta empty. But I want us both to sing. I craved the thing for a reason. The spark is there and I want to learn but I've been in such a... I've been in this place. I've been moving out of it. Baby steps.

Anyway, I think I'm ready. As I've said before, this year the watchword is change. I want to light a fire under my ass and get this project going. For the longest time I've wanted to code and I felt that HTML and I were made for one another. I realize that it's old and in some sense on the precipice of obsolescence but it's where I want to go. There's this charm about the old, especially in tech. I very much like the idea of getting my feet wet with something most people in my situation are passing up. It's more practical to learn something more useful and popular at the moment. But I'm not about that. I want to go back. I want to see how things were. It's just the way my mind and heart work. I want to start at the beginning. So that's where I'm starting.

Also, given the new year I've been thinking what a... well I have a domain and the web space, a gift courtesy of my wonderful brother. So it's there. It's all there. I have the means. I have the mind, I have the hands, I have the heart, I have the keyboard, I have the machine, I have the book, I have the domain and I have the space. It's all there. Do you realize how many people would kill for that? And I'm just letting it collect dust. I feel like shit about that. So when the new year came around I was in the mindset of renewals and I kept thinking about the domain upkeep and I thought about how horrible it was that it got no use last year. None of it. It all just sat there, because of me. I'm the catalyst. It could've been different. I could've had something. Anything. Well I promise to have that this year. For the most part, the most important resolutions I keep to myself and follow through on. Those I'm shaky about and need some help with I throw into the light. I wanted to share this so there was some sort of accountability. It'd be quite sad if this time next year I had nothing to show for it. But it's out there now and I promise to have something to show for it.


DS333, dusting off.

TV Time + "Losers, Daisies And Gladiators"

Until a few days ago I'd totally forgotten about this feature. D'oh! But I do remember that at the time of it's creation I was dying to talk about something I'd just watched. But it was bad timing given the WGA strike and the fact that the TV season was more or less winding down. Anyway, just thought I'd throw something out there so I wouldn't feel like I've abandoned this thing. Oh yeah, if I didn't mention it before this will probably be spoilerific. Beware! ;)

I missed the premiere of this seasons The Biggest Loser. It's the fifth season and at the end of the fourth, while they were promoting the current season, I was put off by the fact that it was going to be a Couples season. I remember the first Couples season, which might've been the second or third, and hating it. I only watched one episode I think. So I was wary about this new one. But what the fuck, there's nothing on this season and I figured, What the hell? I might as well. So I torrented the first two episodes and I'm in loooove!!! :D It's by far the greatest season of The Biggest Loser, and it's because of the fact that it's Couples. I've never seen a season so emotionally charged. It's the greatest thing ever. Seeing people break down is, for me, mostly fascinating and amusing. People break down on the show and there is that, but it's also poignant, more so than anything else. It's such an... enriching experience. I'm curious as to why The Amazing Race continues to dominate the Reality category at the Emmy's. I love that show too, but it's got nothing on a show like this. The third episode is headed this way on Tuesday at 8pm on NBC, so it's not too late to get on the bandwagon. ;) Check it out!

I haven't watched the last episode of Pushing Daisies yet. I don't mean the last of the series, as far as I know it's a success. But the WGA strike struck again. It was a short season and they weren't able to pump out a full one before the writers could get everything in place, at least that's my understanding. So I guess I don't want to watch the final episode because... well in my heart it's not the last episode of the season and since there won't be a true season finale coming along after it I know I'm gonna feel anxious about having no resolution. It's like an unnatural cliffhanger. I don't relish that feeling. But I might get around to it soon. I don't want to have it ruined for me, and I just love that show so why not? And the episode before really dropped the bomb and I'm dying to see what happens in the last episode! Dilemma, dilemma...

Along with The Biggest Loser I was also played catch up with the revamped version of American Gladiators. I was actually under the impression that it was underway some weeks back, so I thought it would be a bitch to catch up and just gave up on ever watching the show. But then I heard the buzz again recently and learned that it was just starting up so I got torrent happy again. Ah! I love this show. It's great! It's a whole lotta camp and nostalgia. I used to love this show as a kid so it was a real trip to see the same events again but in this new setting. I think they pulled it off really well. I'm sticking with this one. And man, is it fucking intense. I don't remember it being so rough and tumble as a youth. I'm just waiting for the day when someone snaps their neck or incurs a compound fracture. It's wicked! And man, that season premiere was so kick ass. So yeah, the third episode is coming up... tomorrow I believe, Mondays at 8pm on NBC. My only complaint so far is that they haven't showcased that awesome Human Hamster Ball challenge. :P I loved that thing as a kid. ;)


DS333, in tune.

001.204.365

• I'm sparking. I'm hot. I'm phasing. I've been is such a creative mood the past few days. There's something in the air. ;)
• You know something is truly beautiful and revelatory when the mind and heart say, I wish I created that.
• I'd been playing around with the idea of creating another feature based around the idea of dream. I had a dream the other day, unlike anything I've ever experienced, and I've desperately wanted to share it with someone, anyone! But in a way that might be viewed as a transgression. I think some things are too raw and aren't meant for public consumption. Too often I think people are too willing to lay it all out there for anyone, I'm speaking specifically on the Net. I've shared personal (not private) things on this blog, but never have I felt I've crossed a line. I'm not into whoring myself out. So while the urge was there, I thought better of it. But it's gonna find a place, that dream, it's story and the concept of dream on this blog (via The Art). That's what the Dream Journal (The Third Book of The Art, The Black Book, Joey's Book) is all about I suppose. There I can share it. There's also the added benefit of rendering and relaying it in the visual as opposed to the textual, as text it would be too transparent. It would strike to the heart and the bone. Only a select few get the opportunity to know what's in here *hands over head and heart*.
• Textual (and textually) is so not the word I wanted to use in that last one. It's that thing. Elementargedanken & Völkergedanken, the Elementary and Ethnic Ideas. I have it, I can see it but I can't capture it. Textual is a charlatan. I know there's another word that would've hit the right stroke. I have the soul of the thought & feeling but I can't find the right bottle, shell, costume. All I can ever say is that this isn't my medium. I can draw the thing, I can see the shape of it but... relaying it here is the hardest thing I could ever do. I'm not well versed. And I want to be. I want to be just so that I can get the right shade. I realize it's all subjective and no one might tap into the impression that I intend, but I try to visualize there being someone else out there, like me, who will. I'm writing for him or her. They want the right words. Textual isn't the word. He's lucky, he's managed to steal the spotlight tonight. Taken what isn't his. But I'll find it... that word, whatever it is.
• Fuck, I'm really chatty tonight. :P
• Two drops of water landed on my razor (shaving) this morning in the most perfect way. I thought they were a part of the thing. I marveled at the pattern for a few seconds and thought, I have to write about this tonight.
• I've been trying to hold on to the things that strike me throughout the day for these Third posts. It's been hard. I hope to get better at it.
• I watched Die Hard tonight with brother and sis. Would you believe that I don't think I've seen the thing head to tail before? *collective gasp*
• The feature Lyrical Exegesis grew much larger than I intended. I wanted a place to share those things that float around my mind, the whispers. But the feature became what it is out of necessity. I want/wanted something broader but it wouldn't fit, it won't. Places, faces, lines, lyrics... I just wanted snippets. I didn't envision excavating. So here's one for what was originally intended. Here's something that's been haunting me for the past few days, something I've been grooving to, something at my side: ...Back me on up boys / back me on up / I gotta face some kind of evil tomorrow / I need to know that you gonna be there and / you know my faith is in your / hands now just / back me on up / just back me on up / back me on up...
• I've decided to stop apologizing about the length of my posts, both extremes. If I wanna go long, I'll go long. Short, short. I've mused on apology before but I'm serious now. :P
• After further review, I think I'm a 144 guy. And the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round.
• I need to write a post on The Better, Second Life, Little Fish & Big Fish, David, Drive, etc. (all one thought).
• I can't imagine what MacWorld will unleash upon my Apple Acolyte brethren. I'm very psyched! :D I love that feeling... that dark... of anticipation, mystery, hope, wonder, etc. It's almost too much to bear.
• I might have some cherry pie tonight. I'm not a pie guy. I'm a cake man. But tonight I'll try to be bisexual. (it took everything I had not to say pie-sexual. :P But look! I just said it anyway! ;) )
• Ah! I've been dying to have some German Chocolate Cake. I had my first taste ever in Laughlin, Nevada last year and I haven't been the same since. :P I was telling my brother and sister tonight that there's this bakery on Melrose that I might hit up to quell this fire. I'm hoping they have it.
• One of my friends said the other day, ...I love Middle-Eastern men. He's gay. And all I could think, but didn't say was, I love men, period. ;) The German Chocolate Cake inspired that one. German men, ah! Gorgeous! *dying* :D
  
• It's getting late and that's the only reason I'm shuttling off. I feel I could go on for days. But alas, All good things... (Good things? This!? Hmmm, talk about ego :P )
• Later later...

DS333, signing off.

The Masochistic Manicurist

I had a bad habit a long time ago. I was a compulsive nail-biter. Only fingernails thank you very much. :P I don't quite know why I was attracted to it, I just needed to do it. I loved the tedium and meticulousness of it I suppose. Whatever it was, I knew it was bad. At the very least, not the most healthy thing. I'm a bigger germ freak than I am most anything else and the thought of putting my fingers in my mouth which interacted with the public was too much to stand. I had to stop and I did. Which meant having to manicure my nails myself with nail clippers.

Now I have a habit of destroying my fingers! It's the worst thing ever. No matter what I do, I always manage to bleed. I cut too close to the quick. I just can't stand long fingernails. Can't stand them short either. I need them to be as short as possible. This drive means that I invariably injure myself. There's this thing in me that doesn't want to stop after I finish trimming my nails. I always think I can improve upon the work. Maybe there's a bit more to trim. Maybe I can round them out more and shape them better. Maybe I can angle it from the top so they don't feel so sharp after the cut. There's a lot of things that drive me to pick up those clippers again and I always go too far. It fucking hurts!

The worse thing is obsessing not so much about the nails themselves but the skin surrounding them. I go crazy about that stuff. That's the problem. There's a point where the two meet, the skin in the nail. The problem arises when I trim my nail and pull the skin along with it toward the edge with the hope that I won't tear away too much skin, that it won't cut too deep. Hope is lost. It never fails. I'm destined to a life of bloody fingers. Hands actually. I have this weird thing with my hands. They really get roughed up. Scrapes, cuts, etc. They're always suffering. For the most part I don't mind it since it never gets in the way of my being able to type, but I can't stand when it gets in the way of my art. Ugh! That's a bitch.

I've been wondering if at a deeper level this thing, this masochistic compulsion is rooted in a fear to get things moving along. It's sabotage of some kind 'cause I can't draw when it happens. There can't be any other reason than that. At least I can't find one. I'm a smart enough guy, I should know better by now. But this Pavlovian conditioning is doing nothing for me. It hurts and I still go at it. *sigh* I need help. :P


DS333, crazed.

The Devil's Advocates

It never ceases to amaze me the kind of people strangers keep as friends. It's a thought I've carried with me for a long time, as I'm sure everyone has. That's funny, I always manage to trip over a nugget that I feel will serve as a healthy seed for another post whenever I start writing these things free form. So I'll overlook that one over for now. ;) Anyway, that's a strange thing isn't it? I went out to dinner with the folks tonight. We went to a casual little haunt we've gone to ever since I was a wee lad. A burger joint essentially with aspirations for something greater. Family oriented I'd say. It's got that neighborly, communal charm. And toward the end of the meal our experience was disrupted by this loud, annoying, obnoxious, disrespectful, etc. douche bag. He was playing an arcade game with a friend of his and it was that that was most surprising. That's always surprising. Always amazing.

No matter how obnoxious, repulsive, annoying, uncivilized, disrespectful, crude, evil, etc. a person is, you can be sure he has a friend in someone... somewhere. There are people who probably even love these people. It's wild. I just don't get it. By any person's account he was loud. He was obnoxious. There's no getting around that. You would hate being around him. You would hate him. But he has friends. It doesn't make sense. Though, even Hitler had a wife. And while I'm sure he was surrounded by scared little sycophants feigning friendship, respectful of his power and put off by his spirit, there was someone somewhere in there who overlooked everything and found someone they could love. I don't understand it. And I'm amazed by the things I can't understand. Not because I can't understand them, but because I never will. It's outside my sphere. It's too alien. But as crazy as that phenomena is, there's something even more vexing.

I've witnessed it all my life. In elementary school, junior high, high school, college, etc. It's those people who know they're friends with assholes and endure it. They befriend these Hitler-lites for who knows what reason. They don't have the power, they're just reprehensible wretches. There's no obvious reason to associate with them even on the most minor level. But they still do and you can see it, the mystery. You can see it. Seeing it is what's so alarming and jarring. You see it in their eyes while these Hitler-lites abuse other people. They look on with glazed eyes. They know what they're witnessing is wrong. It's there. But they look past it or through it... and for what? Why? It's the most toxic form of denial, apathy and forgiveness.

Then again, I've been cruel. A long time ago I was a very bad boy and even then I had friends. I wasn't always cruel and I wasn't always bad. Even the very bad have to be kind once in a while. They're kind to their friends. They show another side of themselves. So is that what that is? That look. Stasis. Waiting for the worst of it to be over and hoping to experience the other side? They hold on, to these friendships and the hope. The hope that there's someone else in there. But what would that even mean? Does it mean more to experience compassion from the cruel than it does from the benevolent? Is it worth it to endure, to hope, to wait, and be apart of this evil. Support it. Hoping for change. What does it say of them to need that from that type of person? What's the damage? What's the malfunction? What's the reason?

Anyway, I've lost the thread a long time ago. I was talking about something different. What happened tonight was different. Ask any objective passerby and they'd agree with me. This guy was an asshole. The root of my disdain was his lack of respect for those around him. It was communal. It was peaceful. I've no tolerance for bulls in a china shop. If he was my kind of bull, it's even worse. 'Cause I've found a way to control myself. If I can do it, anyone can.


DS333, fuming.

001.201.365

• Wow, I'm in the 200's! That's insane. Just 164 more posts left to go. ;) It's sure to be bittersweet.
• I'm feeling... not exactly sick, just weak. Might have something to do with my diet today.
• Popped over to Jamba Juice real quick today. Indulged my new addiction: Chocolate Moo'd. I got the Power size (the largest size) and that seems to be doing a number on me. It's basically a chocolate base with yogurt and ice. Very simple. But I don't know... I feel... trippy.
• Feel bad about cutting a phone conversation with my brother short tonight. But he has this knack for catching me during the Project Runway evaluations. What am I supposed to do!? :P I'm a horrible person. :(
• Having missed the January 2nd episode, I caught back-to-back episodes of Project Runway. *happy kitty*
• Caught up with the first two episodes of American Gladiators. It really is great. Ahhh memories.
• I feel warm and parched.
• I can't really swim and I wish I could.
• I don't wear shorts.
• I go through the day thinking about what I'm gonna write about here. Get here and then boom! It all goes away. :|
• I still haven't watched the last episode of Pushing Daisies. I don't know what I'm waiting for or why I'm avoiding it.
• Not really in the mood to consume today. My version of blah.
• Not feeling good.
• *sigh*
• I'm gonna leave now.
• See ya tomorrow.

DS333, out of sorts.

Memory... "Standoff"

Okay. I have an exclusive of sorts today. I have a story I've never told anyone before. Very rare to be sure. I mean, I suppose there are a lot of little stories I haven't told anyone. I'm sure of it. But none of them are as notable as the one I'm about to tell. And I guess my reluctance in sharing is due to this feeling of... not quite embarrassment, not quite shame, certainly not regret... I don't know what it is exactly. What is it to walk into a risky and dangerous situation, knowing full well the consequences and disregard common sense? Something on the order of insanity or the courageous I think. Maybe a bit of both.

So this happened a few years back. Uhhh... maybe three of four. So I was about 22 or 23. I know it had to be a few years back 'cause I was living in another part of Los Angeles. A nice little middle-class suburb. I liked that city. I had the same little routine there as I do here. I had this nice little route I liked to take on my daily walk. Basically a main street. Which is probably not a good idea, but I love to walk. I'm sure I've done a lot more damage walking about L.A. breathing in pollutants and exhaust than I would have if I just stayed home. :P

So one day, on one of my walks I came across an impasse in the form of a man, or a boy rather. A neo-Nazi type. A ball of smoke and fire, pain and anger. It was clear who he was and what he was about. It was clear who I was and what I was about. I was of color and I was gay. He hated that.

I'd never found myself in a situation like that before. This is L.A. after all. It's a melting pot. Here, he's supposed to be the minority... his way of thinking. But there's room for everything and everyone so I guess it was only a matter of time before we crossed paths. And intolerance isn't so foreign. If you're gay I can't imagine having never been ridiculed for being who you are, or rather that tiny aspect of who you are. I've been called a fag countless times. Which has never amounted to anything because they never speak to who I am as a person. It just doesn't get to me. You'd have to be someone I hold in high regard or care about for something like that to affect me. Even then you'd have to hit all the right notes. We're talking perfect planetary alignment to crack this shell. But that's not to say that it can't get annoying. It can. It has. Thankfully, as a whole, that sorta thing has only taken up less than .01% of my life. And more often than not, when it happens I just laugh it off 'cause it's funny... funny because it speaks more of them than it does of me.

But this was different. This wasn't a flippant display of ignorance slurred from a speeding car. This was more focused, more intense. I find most people don't have the courage, the balls, to say those sort of those things to your face. Usually people are more cowardly. That wasn't the case here. So I at least had some amount of respect for the guy for standing his ground, no matter how shaky and fractured that was. But that was one of the funny things. It's all he did. Stand. He had nothing to say.

This happened at an intersection. One main street and one side street. I was walking along the main street and I was some yards away (15?) from the intersection when I first caught sight of him. I knew what the deal was. I could sense it. It was instinctual. What I imagine a mouse feels when he looks upon a snake. As I said, he didn't say anything... but his body was doing enough of the talking. He was malevolence personified. Before I even approached he began his posturing. He moved from the sidewalk where I presume he was waiting for a bus and walked a couple of feet from the curb onto the street with clenched fists.

So it's a funny thing how much can take place in such a short amount of time. My mind was being flooded. More so than usual. This was a strange time for me. I hadn't yet come out to my family but this was the time I was really coming to terms you might say. Internally I was asserting my... my... my self. And it was just a lot of things. Things were forming. And if you've read any of my previous posts you probably know I've a thing for signs and symbols. This felt like a test. The timing was too perfect, too hot, too fortunate, too opportune, too everything. It was just right.

So now we come to the crux of my reluctance in telling this story before today. It was a choice. I mean really, could the reality of the situation be anymore... I mean I was at a fucking crossroads! Literally! *LOL* I was at a crossroads in every sense of the word. I could have done the... smart(?) thing and taken the other road. To safety. But what that meant for me at that moment and at that time in my life was sooo... grrr! Fuck! No! No fucking way!!! I'm not doing it. Never. Never. This fucker is not going to shame me or terrorize me for being who I am. This is my home. This is my city. This is my street. Fuck you for coming here and trying to invade. Trying to inject your damage and toxicity into my life. Fuck you! You can kill me. I'm not gonna walk away. I'm just not.

In a lot of ways it was stupid. Foolish. I'm so close to my family and I tell them everything. Telling them this would've... would... still be a hard thing to rationalize. They wouldn't want to see me hurt. They want the best for me. I don't know that they'd be exactly disappointed with my choice, but y'know... love sorta supersedes everything. They wouldn't care for the rationalization. They would want me to be safe above all else; understandable. And look, I'm a smart guy. I don't know that you could live in this city and come across unscathed without a ton of prudence in your back pocket. I know when to avoid a dangerous situation. I have before. I will again. But this was just different. It just was. And I don't know that that could be fully understood by anyone not living it. Being on the otherside of everything. Hearing the comments and the laughs. Feeling like you're at odds with the world at large. People telling you there's something wrong with you. You can take it in small doses and it doesn't do a thing. But it adds up. It'd been adding up for years, all my life. And it just gets to a point. A breaking point. This was mine. I was just tired. Tired of it all. Keeping it in. Having to take the other street. No. Not today. Not ever.

So you just throw caution to the wind I guess. It happens. Like I said, I was still in the closet but I knew I was coming to a point of no return. Something I had set up in my own mind. I was meeting people and I was hearing voices from people I'd respected and this was sort of setting the stage for what was to come. Two roads. The life you don't want: weakness, cowardice, deceit and secrecy. The life you do: strength, courage, honesty and openness. I mean is there even a fucking choice there? *L*

And on another level... I mean yeah, I probably could've taken the other road and still have made the changes I did as a result of that day but there was a lot of ego going on that day. I don't know that I could've lived with this guy getting one over on me. For me he was... I created... he became my antithesis. He was the Invader, he was Manifest Destiny, he was the Rapist, he was the Machine... he was all this darkness. More than anything he was Ignorance. How do you let someone like that win? All I kept thinking was, This is my home. I'm sure he didn't have a notion of my ethnicity. But there was something perfect about his being Caucasian and me being Native American. Perfect because of the reading I was involved in at the time and... well like I said, in my mind he was the invader. In my mind I was wondering if I was doomed to this dark legacy of invasion and rape? Not just me but all of us. That Racism was staring me in the face, here in my home, at this time... was too perfect. I couldn't turn away.

I mean really, fuck him for having the balls to flaunt his backward shit in the kingdom of L.A. Where's this fucker get off? I'd never seen his kind before. Not really. I wonder how many people he managed to scare away that day. Did he beat anyone? Did he kill anyone? How the fuck is he walking around? I imagine a problem like that growing out of apathy. People just let him be. People take the other street. Skirt the issue. Walk around the problem. Again, all I could think was, This is my home. This is L.A. And if I did walk away... he wouldn't know. He wouldn't know the size of his victory, but I would. His philosophy would've won out over mine. There's no fucking way someone like that is gonna get one over on someone like me. It's just not possible. It's a universal law. It will never happen. Never.

So yeah, it was a lot of things. More than any of it... beyond the gay thing, the race thing, the political thing... I would just rather die than live in fear of being who I am. Everything that means. Being a man. Being American. Being Navajo. Being gay. Etc. If I can't be who I am... who I want to be... I don't see any reason for being. It's that thing that I feel weird relaying. I knew the danger. I thought, I could die today. I knew I could die and I was okay with that. Not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted to live. I've never been in a real fight. I'm sure he would've had the advantage. He's probably broken men and women like me before, my brothers and sisters. But I was ready to fight. I was tired of doing anything else. Every fiber of my being was pushing me to this moment. I was ready. Ready for anything. I think we all know what it means to feel like something is perfectly right. I certainly know when I do something that's even the tiniest bit askew from my current. This just felt right. And if I died or ended up in the hospital... that's what I needed. That's where my... ... ...was directing me. It's hard to avoid the call.

Luckily for me I'm more balanced than that. I wasn't directing myself toward destruction. It was the growing point. It was... heaven. Don't get me wrong though, I was still scared as shit. *L* When I walked across the street in his direction I tried to walk to his left as though he were just any other stranger. But he wasn't having any of that. He moved to block my passage. All the while I'd kept my gaze directed toward the horizon, the pavement, the cars, anything. But when I knew I wouldn't pass so easily I thought that was it. So I stared him straight in the eye. Then the key turned and the door opened. He just let me pass. He was still posturing as if he were going to do something but he seemed more and more diminished with each passing moment. My breathing slowed and my gaze turned from... what I imagine was a dead stare to a lilting laugh. I had to have had a sparkle in my eye at that moment. And I just kept walking. Though I was never more hyper aware in my life. Someone like that, I don't imagine being the most honorable sort. I could've easily seen being bludgeoned from behind. But I made sure I wasn't taken by surprise. And I just kept walking and I never looked back.

Phew! Sorry for such a long post. :P A sure sign this was never told before I suppose. I had a lot to get out. And I feel all the better for it. So yeah. I love that memory. I hold it close to the heart. And that space, that piece of asphalt I regard as holy land. A testament to strength and courage in the face of ignorance and hatred. I imagine this happens all the time. Not always with the same ending. But in a way, still, always a victory. It's just a role. Something we all must take up at one point or another. And for those who don't make it... we live our lives in reverence to them. Hate. Luck. Anger. Providence. Fear. Courage. It was a lot of things.


DS333, taxed.

Linkage ~ "Wings, Faces And Eyes"

• I was captivated by this photo that Cory Doctorow posted to his Flickr account of some dismembered pigeon wings splayed out on the streets of London like an angel's. Apparently this isn't as rare an occurrence as I believed. Curious. Sociopathy makes for some interesting photo ops: Mysterious Pigeon Wings On The Pavelment...

• Artist Mark Story created a photography project consisting of portraits, mostly, of men and women who have lived in the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries. I'm in love with this project. I take particular interest in plates #2, 8, 30 and 33. Those subjects are all Navajo. They remind me of my grandparents and home. I've always been fascinated with the elderly. For many reasons. The physical transformation the most striking because it's just that, striking. It takes the mind through all these different pathways. I think of a line telling a story. I wonder what it means to weather the greatest of storms. And what toll that takes on the body and soul. What it means to only know through experience. I see strength in the old. It's something I value and covet. I'm at odds with this city and it's take on aging. It's so spiritually disconnected and immature. I crave this look for it's allusion. I love growing old: Living In Three Centuries: The Face Of Age

• Finally I wanted to throw this one out there for no other reason than I thought as many people should see this as possible. Rankin created this photography project of decontexualized irises called Eyescapes. Looking at them... well... it's funny how we see them everyday but only within this context that I realize their true beauty. I'm reminded of how powerful the prime image of the circle is. I'm haunted by the abyssal dark of the pupil. And it's there that I'm lost. I'm visualizing these eyes as cosmic eggs. From the void a battle was fought and won. Its power and beauty bled out into the light... spiraling, falling, floating, colliding, coagulating, forming, etc. I look at the detail in these eyes and wonder what informs them now and what informed their creation. I think of the physical as a manifestation of the metaphysical. These genes, all my own, creating something unique. Mine alone. Yours. These drops of the universal. All of us, universes unto ourselves. These voids wreathed in our genetic glory. Two parts. One, we all share. Reminding me of our bond, our connection. The second, what we keep to ourselves. Reminding me of our fear, our disconnection: Eyescapes

DS333, pensive.

001.198.365

• It's been raining here in Los Angeles for the past few days and I've been loving every moment of it.
• Rain's my favorite kind of weather.
• Walking home tonight, alone in the rain with Shigeru Umebayashi's Yumeji's Theme on repeat was sheer bliss.
• I was talking to a close friend of mine, a couple weeks back, about this... vision of a diner. But in reality it was more about a state a state of being. I found it tonight. It still included a window seat at the corner of a shop and rainfall.
• My hand's been outta commission for quite some time it seems. I had to work through the pain of my vice-grip clutch while I was drawing tonight. It's gonna take some time before it gets used to the usual swing of things.
• I put my sound-isolating earphones to the ultimate test tonight: Jamba Juice. I was in a virtual vacuum. Although this one woman's horrid voice was able to pierce my bubble. :(
• My sister bestowed ambrosia on this very grateful soul, meaning she got me two jugs of Martinelli's Apple Juice!!! :D Apparently Vons is the supermarket to hit up for the golden elixir.
• Counterintuitively, people are more flirtatious in person than otherwise. I'm not complaining though, it really makes my day. ;)
• So I happened upon this video, a short from the Sundance Channel, titled Not Pretty, Really about the flip-side of being beautiful. That some of these people even entertained this discussion in earnest makes we want break some faces.
• I don't own a scarf. I need a scarf. I will get a scarf.
• I found a new drug: Jamba Juice's Chocolate Moo'd. I know a gal from across the pond who would appreciate the name. ;)
• I'm very sensitive to sound at the moment.
• I was reminded of how awesome my high school AP English teacher was for letting me play Professional Widow in her presence... I'm speaking specifically about the Give me peace / Love / And a hard cock bit. She was great.
• Posting from my bed. My back's kinda hurting.
• Time to call it a night. ;)

DS333, pained.

Clothes Friends

Don't you love a good pun? :P I know I do.

So I thought I'd ramble on about my clothes. I'm sure I have in the past. But not in the way that I plan to tonight.

I love my clothes. I really do. I don't know that I have the same relationship with my clothes that others do with theirs. I'm almost sure I don't since I get those looks whenever I broach the subject. :P Nothing bad. My closest of friends are used to my... uh... language, and I rarely talk about this sorta stuff with strangers so it's just fine.

I have a habit of naming my clothes. Or christening them? Or maybe I'm just sussing out who they are? I think that's part of the fun when it comes to shopping. I don't necessarily need clothes. Well y'know what I mean. :P I need them so as not to break any public decency laws, but I don't need many new clothes is what I really mean. I'm fine with what I have. It's not important that I have a huge wardrobe. Though, it is nice to fill it out when I can. In fact, I picked up a few new friends the other day. I guess that's what spurred this topic of conversation in the first place.

So as I was saying. It's the sussing, it's the hunting... it's whatever that is that's the most fun about going shopping. Because I'm almost always trying to create a story with anything I do; secret stories. So shopping has become a means of layering... or... shaping a story within my wardrobe. Like any good story there needs to be a proper foundation; you need the archetypes. There's the hero. There's the villain. There's the damsel. There's the trickster. There's the queen. There's the warrior. There's the whore. There's a whole cast of characters at your disposal. And the fun is creating this lens which the world uses to capture a glimpse of who you are and what you're all about. Because everything is speaking. Everything you wear is telling a story. It all means something. At least to me.

The fun is walking down the aisles and diving through those racks with your antennae in full salute waiting... Waiting for that moment. You're looking for that setting, that piece or that person. Something you can add to your story. Something you need. Something that fits. It calls to you. And you know it's voice. You can almost see it. Then you do. And when it's right you know it through and through. It's everything. The perfect fabric, the perfect texture, the perfect color and the perfect fit. It's the perfect storm. It's kismet. That feeling is everything. Finding just the right thing. Just what you wanted and needed but didn't know you wanted and needed.

So I found a few friends the other day. I'm wearing one of them now. He's a he. I don't have a name... but he's like a TV. He's digital. He's mysterious. He's an artist. He's kind and... I don't know. Now I realize I might sound nuts. :P But I'm... I don't know that I could live without anthropomorphism. It's such a part of who I am and what I'm about. So I realize they're just clothes, but in the same breath they're not. They're more if you can see past the... see through the glass. So what does it mean when I say he? Seeing the shirt I feel a male energy. And the pattern is such that when I move it creates a distortion; a trick of the eyes. It's white and black and it looks like a digital distortion. And I can almost see something and I can almost grasp a greater story... but I can't. For now it's hidden, it's a mystery. And I know who would wear this, and it'd be an artist. And he'd be kind...

Now aside from telling a story, I think it's fun to use clothes as charms of invocation. You know what it is to put on something and be someone because of it. Feel like... not someone else, but more... grrr!!! (another point at which I would rather draw what I mean to say. :P) It's no secret that we're complex creatures. Made up of several intersecting lines and voices. We can be cruel, we can be kind; dry and wet, etc. We're more certain things most of the time than we are others. And it's different for each of us. If we visualize ourselves as sound or color... I sometimes like to think that wearing a certain something can strengthen a certain note or enhance a particular shade. It can raise one voice above all others; bend the light and colorize the rest. Because I think we all know what it can mean to put something on and feel like The Destroyer of Worlds. These boots are made for walking. With clothes, you can tap into so many different parts of who you are and hold it for an entire day, hold onto that singular energy... whatever that may be.

So I picked up this number with the power to unchain my Sensualist. The fabric is gorgeous. I assume cotton, but looks and feels something more akin to satin. It's in this deep chocolate brown; very rich. It's just such a sumptuous experience to behold it and wear it. I feel incredible in it. It fits like a glove and I'm tapped into experience. I just want to... I'm just... it's like... I don't know. :P I don't wanna get lewd. ;) It's... yeah... the Sensualist. He's amazing.

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. :P I would go on longer but I gotta control myself. Maybe I'll introduce a few of the other guys and gals another time. ;)


DS333, ensconced.

The Great Fear, The Great Tragedy

Coming up on this new year, I'd been thinking a lot about what was to come. On the topic of this post, I'd been thinking about my art. As is the case, one thought tumbles into the next until it snowballs into what I hope is an interesting blog post. :P

I've always thought the greatest tragedy in all the worlds in all the universes is the death of an artist. Not because of the loss of life exactly. That's natural; the way of the world. It's more about the work, the art.

In my personal pantheon Joseph Campbell is the king. Whenever I get lost in this line of thinking I always find him. He died having never been able to complete his great work: The Historical Atlas of World Mythology. I always wonder what could have been. Sure, The Joseph Campbell Foundation plans to complete the project based on his notes... but it won't be the same. It can't be the same. And when it comes to great projects never coming to fruition I also think of J.R.R Tolkien. He died with much to be done as well. All work the world will never lay witness to.

I'd been thinking about what this year would hold. Work on my Books Of The Art has been pretty stagnant. My hope is that they'll be completed this year. That's a tall order, believe me. But I want to get them done if only because there's so much more brewing inside of me. I have tons of projects in the works... but they exist only in the ether; in my mind. I have my Twin Heroes tale. I have my Sonic Homage. I have my Animation Experimentation. I have several one-off portraits I want to get to. There's so much I want to do and I fear I'll never get to it all. And the greatest tragedy is that there's been so much time that's been wasted in realizing much of it. I've been spinning my wheels. It's my great shame.

I think living for any artist is nothing more than dodging death until you feel you're done, until your work is complete. I haven't even gotten started. I call most of my work sketches for a reason. And I feel terrible about it. Especially when I hear from people what supposed talent I have. I don't think I'm particularly talented. When it comes to technical ability there's a world full of people far more competent. Given some focus, anyone could do the things I do. But I suppose that's beside the point. It's all about perspective. No one has nor ever will come along who can render the world in the way in which I can, because they're not me. All that's come before is informing what's to come. It's here; the fire is here. I should be using it. It wants to be free. I promise to let it burn.


DS333, invoking.

001.195.365

• I'm so sleepy right now. :P Which is why I'm posting so early. I don't trust myself to get to it later.
• I'm so glad that Howard Stern returned from his vacation mid-week. :D
• Sad to hear that Om Malik suffered a heart attack over the holidays. Hope his recovery goes well.
• I felt like a monkey today. It was nothing but plucking, trimming, cutting and shaving.
• Thom Yorke has one of the greatest male singing voices.
• I wish someone would write a love song for me.
• Went shopping today. I love buying new clothes. I could spend hours upon hours trying things on. ;)
• I'm thinking the Banana Republic credit card I got my hands on is the most dangerous thing I own. :P
• Had some great steak tonight.
• Oh how I want to lay down. :P
• The later levels of Picross are a real bitch, but sooo much fun to play.
• I gotta remember to keep checking my Brain Age everyday.
• Today was my brother's birthday. He's such an old man now. :P ;) Can't wait for the little shindig this weekend.
• I wonder how many more times I'm gonna model my new clothes before the day's over. :P
• This chick complimented my ring today. :D I really need to finish my homage sketch to my baby.
• It's a red kinda year.
• I wonder if There Will Be Blood will open wider.
• I've yet to test out my Etymotic ER6i earphones in public. I'm coming for you Jamba Juice, you and your blaring loud speakers.
• Got my hands on the season premiere of The Biggest Loser. That new season crept up on me without warning. Just goes to show you how useless those annoying ads were during the finale.
• Okay, I could go on... but I wouldn't feel guilty about ending th post right here. :P ;)
• Fare thee well my brothers, sisters and in-betweens.

DS333, fading.