The Satellite In Flux

First off, I know what I'm about to go on about is ridiculous to go on about. :P But y'know, it's something I think about and that's a part of my life. I figure that pretty much fits the criteria for making a worthy post on a personal blog. Secondly, I just want to drive the first point home and say that I'm aware. I'm not oblivious. It's annoying to hear someone skinny talk about their weight. :P I keep thinking of that one line from that one Tori Amos song, Father Lucifer: And girls who eat pizza and never gain weight / and never gain weight. It's great to see her perform that live if only to see her flip off all those girls in the audience. They're annoying. ;)

I've always been a thin, skinny guy. I can't imagine being any other way since my body doesn't seem like he wants to change. I don't know when I reached my full height, but I'm sure I was the 5'10" (177.8 cm.) I am now at 16. And through out most of high school I weighed in somewhere in the low 130's (lbs. / 58.9-63.5 kg.). Yeah, I was really skinny. And during my vegetarian experiment I went down to the 120's. :P Yeah, for a time, I was extremely skinny. But it's never been by design. At least not mine. That veggie stint was just one of my numerous experiments and it didn't last long. It wasn't about losing weight, but more about what it would be like to give up the flesh. Conclusion? I'm a filthy savage to the core, I need the sustenance of blood and flesh. ;)

I've just always been one of those guys who struggle to put on weight. It's work. The best work, but work nonetheless. I burn off whatever weight I manage to put on in a flash. Poof! Gone. Which is great! *maniacal laugh* Because I love food and I love to eat. It's my divine gift. I imagine we all have at least one. What I have now is pretty much at the top of my list, Fire's metabolism. Though, if I had the choice... I might just give it up for Elephant's memory. That would be AWESOME!!! :D You can have your perfect body, your sharp wit, your golden tongue, etc. but having a killer memory would be the ultimate in my book...

Damn me and my tangents. :P So yeah, putting on weight is a bitch, but only a bitch if that's something you want to achieve. I never did. Though I never cared much about maintaining either 'cause my ultimate idealized version of my dream body is something I know I could never achieve. I wouldn't even look human to be quite honest. *LOL* :P Now that I think of it, that would be interesting to put on paper. I'd want much longer legs with inverted joints. A shorter torso with arms as long or maybe even a bit longer than my legs. A long neck topped with a crazy looking head... but anyway. My arms and legs more than anything I wish I had, but I don't. :( And once I knew I wouldn't have that, I decided to change my body in the later years of high school. Probably nothing noticeable to someone living outside of my body, but when I think about it I wish I hadn't. Muscle tissue is the worst to lose. I can lose the weight, or fat, easily enough, but muscle is another story. And again I'm a thin guy, you wouldn't think I have muscle :P, but I do and when I gained it I felt this... would regret be the word? My vision was long and thin, impossibly so. What I had was as close as, I suppose, was humanly possible. I mean what I had was healthy enough to live with. I had extremely thin arms and legs, but then I kinda just didn't care and wondered what it would be like to move away from that... oh to be young and make mistakes. :P

So yeah, I can never go back to that. I'm forever changed. :( But I think I have a great body. I love this machine out of all the machines I own. I just thought I'd lament about what was. So yeah, I'd imagine this thing might be torturous to most guys. I'm thinking about the body building, body-dismorphic set. This is not the kinda body you wanna try to build upon. It's too resistant and stubborn. So then we come full circle...

In high school I always was on the borderline of health, as far as my weight was concerned. I think it's funny the word they use, "ideal". Doesn't do much for your self-esteem. I mean I could never have the abstract body of my dreams, and what I have now isn't ideal? :P Funny words. So yeah, it was wild to me that 150 lbs (68 kg.) was the ideal for my frame. Not because I thought it was fat or ugly or... I don't know. It had nothing to do with my body, or my fear to change it... I just thought 150 was an impossible goal/standard to achieve. Gaining a pound or two was Mt. Everest. But that's what they said and that's what I went for.

When I first achieved it, it was a shock. 'Cause I went about it the wrong way. *L* It was just fat. I binged and languished in the luxury of atrophy. It was my version of fat. So I nixed that, lost it easily enough and started again. Now I'm up to the 150's in the way that I like. It looks awesome. ;) The way I feel in private... I imagine I was an exhibitionist in another life. I was burned at the stake for my heretic vanity. :P So I think I look great and I'm happy. And it's pretty easy to maintain. Uhhh, I haven't got around to blogging about it yet... even though I said I would months and months ago when I started this blog but I got this thing about numbers. So when I tried to gain the weight. I wanted to clock in at 162 lbs. I got there, but I didn't like it. I was uncomfortable. Not with my body, but with the way I felt. Getting there meant having to eat constantly. I couldn't miss a beat. I had to eat and eat and eat. And not for pleasure. I'd have to eat well after I was full. Eat when I didn't want to. It was just bad. So now I've pretty much resolved that I'm a 150's kinda guy.

153 lbs. is my ideal. Today I fell again... which is why I had this whole discussion on the brain. I fell into the 140's. Grrr!!! It's such a fuckin' bitch! Especially on days like today. I just do not want to eat. I'm not hungry. But I know I should eat and I will, it's just a struggle. And I hate not making the mark. At times I kinda wanna just let it all go and fall back into the 130's (that weight being what I think is my body's equilibrium). But I won't. I know that's just the Shadow in my ear. So yeah... I guess I should go eat something. Hopefully I'll be back at the ideal in the next few days. On the plus, X-mas is around the corner... if I play it just right, those left-overs will get me there. ;)


DS333, bon appétit.