The Masochistic Manicurist

I had a bad habit a long time ago. I was a compulsive nail-biter. Only fingernails thank you very much. :P I don't quite know why I was attracted to it, I just needed to do it. I loved the tedium and meticulousness of it I suppose. Whatever it was, I knew it was bad. At the very least, not the most healthy thing. I'm a bigger germ freak than I am most anything else and the thought of putting my fingers in my mouth which interacted with the public was too much to stand. I had to stop and I did. Which meant having to manicure my nails myself with nail clippers.

Now I have a habit of destroying my fingers! It's the worst thing ever. No matter what I do, I always manage to bleed. I cut too close to the quick. I just can't stand long fingernails. Can't stand them short either. I need them to be as short as possible. This drive means that I invariably injure myself. There's this thing in me that doesn't want to stop after I finish trimming my nails. I always think I can improve upon the work. Maybe there's a bit more to trim. Maybe I can round them out more and shape them better. Maybe I can angle it from the top so they don't feel so sharp after the cut. There's a lot of things that drive me to pick up those clippers again and I always go too far. It fucking hurts!

The worse thing is obsessing not so much about the nails themselves but the skin surrounding them. I go crazy about that stuff. That's the problem. There's a point where the two meet, the skin in the nail. The problem arises when I trim my nail and pull the skin along with it toward the edge with the hope that I won't tear away too much skin, that it won't cut too deep. Hope is lost. It never fails. I'm destined to a life of bloody fingers. Hands actually. I have this weird thing with my hands. They really get roughed up. Scrapes, cuts, etc. They're always suffering. For the most part I don't mind it since it never gets in the way of my being able to type, but I can't stand when it gets in the way of my art. Ugh! That's a bitch.

I've been wondering if at a deeper level this thing, this masochistic compulsion is rooted in a fear to get things moving along. It's sabotage of some kind 'cause I can't draw when it happens. There can't be any other reason than that. At least I can't find one. I'm a smart enough guy, I should know better by now. But this Pavlovian conditioning is doing nothing for me. It hurts and I still go at it. *sigh* I need help. :P


DS333, crazed.