The End Of The Beginning

Do doo dooooo! That was my attempt at trumpeting. :P 365 blog posts baby!!! :D It's over, it's done, it's complete! :D I can't believe I did it. The past few days have been filled with paranoia, I was sure that meteorite was going to strike or that my Mac was going to spontaneously combust. I made it! :) I feel like... I don't know, feel like this is something special and only wish I could make it even more so with a juicy confession or scandalous sex tape. :P Seriously though, I'm sad that I've gotten to the end of this without having said some of the things I've wanted to say, but I guess there's always time for that...

I don't plan to stop blogging, I've made that much known in the past, I've too much of a fondness for it. I didn't expect to fall in love with it in the way that I have. I just wanted to output, that was my main focus. There was something about the year-long challenge that appealed to me. I've always admired artists who were committed to a grueling schedule that required them to... well... commit. It still astounds me to know that there are people out there who have the ability to create substantive articles, critiques, commentaries, etc. on a daily basis, and not for one but many years. I couldn't and still can't fathom it, but I wanted to taste it. I've tasted it. Now I want to carry that over into other areas. I want to stoke the creative fire elsewhere. I wonder what it would be like to focus on the things that I truly value...

Anyway, I'm gonna go dark for a while. I'm not sure what will happen to this particular blog. I quite fancy the idea of letting it stand as is forever and ever. I like the idea of letting it exist, just like this, and not changing a single thing. But who knows... I might come back here, I'm not sure. For now I'll let it collect dust. Although I did mention previously that I wanted to finish tagging everything, I still do, so I might. The content will stay intact... the rest may change, I don't know.

My new home will be an old home, my tumblelog at Tumblr, that I've recently renamed Dead Letters. It used to be an aggregator of my various online identities but I've stripped out all the feeds today to make way for all the new posts I plan to write in the coming days? weeks? months? I don't want to set any timetables. The one thing I hated about the Dead Letter Room was the pressure of getting something out by the end of the day even when I felt it wasn't ready. I hated having to rush something with the thought or fantasy that it could be that much greater, could really flourish, if given the right amount of time. That sentiment really hit home when I was rushing to get the Golden Field out. I liked where it went... but... I really get the sense that it could've... I'll just always wonder what it would've been like if we were both ready to make the jump. It could've been something else... and maybe that something else would've been horrendous, but at least it would've felt right, y'know? I just feel like things need to grow, mature and evolve at their own pace; these things take time. It feels so unnatural to force something into being; all the more so when you feel the resistance coming from within and from the piece, I hate that feeling. So Dead Letters will arrive when they will.

Okay... I guess that's it. Uhhh... wow, this feels so strange. I'd imagined this... this post and what I would say... things I could still say... but I think I've said all that needs to be said. This place may or may not be left to decay. In the meantime I will be elsewhere. Those were the main points. *sigh*


DS333, exeunt.

In The Mood For Love

I want to talk about Wong Kar-Wai's 2000 art house film, In The Mood For Love. Actually, there are a lot of things that I want to talk about but I've waited far too long to get them out there and I've run out of time. Among the many things that I could talk about I thought why not talk about my favorite movie of all-time? I've been meaning to talk about the film for some time but never found the right place since I restricted Film Fetish posts to movies I'd just seen and I didn't feel right about adding more Features to the blog at the time. So if you've ever wanted to or think you might want to see In The Mood For Love it's probably a good idea to stop reading this post right now. ;)

Oh boy, what is there to say? I feel like there's so much. Mmmm... well I guess I could start off by saying that my first introduction to the world of Wong Kar-Wai was his 1994 film, Chungking Express, quite possibly my first true introduction to Asian art house cinema. I've been in love ever since. The thing I love about Kar-Wai's work is the impressionistic nature of it. Recalling a Kar-Wai film is like recalling a dream or long lost memory. It's a sensuous experience that's heavy on emotion. You take away colors, characters, sounds, images... and the details fall by the wayside. The films are like vignettes... a series of moments meant to evoke rather than explicate. I think the stories have less to do with what's happened, what's gone on, and more to do with what's been felt and wrought emotionally. It's all gut, all heart.

I want to... Why, exactly, would you say this is your all-time favorite film? I want to answer that question but I find it daunting because there are so many reasons. Operating on the level it does, emotionally, is a huge reason. Although I guess you could say that many films do, so I would also say that the way in which it operates is a huge factor. There's an abstract quality to the work, an ambiguity, that lends itself to personal interpretation and I'm all about interpretation. I love not having situations spelled out to me. I love subtext and subtlety. I love reading people. There's a special bond you create if you're allowed to personalize a work in this way, there's an intimacy to this sort of interpretation. I love that level of openness, it's quite characteristic of Asian cinema. I love being afforded the opportunity to make something all my own; I have that with this film.

To get into this any further I guess I should explain the plot of the film, well, plot is a funny word but you know what I mean... let me synopsize. The film is about two people, a man and a woman, husband to another, wife to another, who form a friendship after having discovered that their spouses are cheating on them with one another's spouse. Things start off innocently enough, merely a friendship and a vow not to become their cheating spouses, but as these things often go, one thing leads to another. I love stories like this, simple yet complex. And... well... I guess I could get into it now.

Not just my favorite films, but my favorite stories are cautionary tales, and that's what In The Mood For Love is for me. I think the greatest crime, the greatest tragedy is living an inauthentic life. Saying the same thing, I like to say that the greatest triumph is being true to yourself. Ultimately the friendship between Chow Mo-Wan and Su Li-Zhen grows into a deep, passionate romance... a romance that dies on the vine. It dies because it was never given the chance to grow. The eyes, ears, mouths and judgements of others is what keep the two apart. Society is the villain in this story. And my words could never do the film justice but it's just so tragic. It's depressing and sorrowful to imagine living a life that is not your own; living your life for others rather than yourself. It terrifies me contemplating having to trudge through life only half-alive because I was too scared to do what I knew deep down in my heart was the right thing to do. I couldn't imagine going through life knowing I turned my back on love, on happiness, because I was afraid... afraid of everything... afraid of losing control, what others would think, losing myself, the unknown, etc. This love affair, the tragedy of it, speaks of so many things in all of our lives. It's the sort of lesson I don't think you can hear enough of.

It's funny, whenever I watch In The Mood For Love I think of my parents, specifically my mother. I remember being young, a wee lad, and that first moment I got an inkling that my Mom lived a whole life before my own. I remember the shock of seeing pictures from her youth, people and places I'd never known or ever would. It was very... strange. Strange, the way that a revelation can totally warp your sense of perspective. Having someone exist as a one-dimensional being and then all of a sudden fracture into a beautiful whole is quite unnerving and yet exciting. I loved how that era communicated itself. It wasn't just because the photos were tinged and tattered, it was everything that was in them that gave you the sense that you were looking into... not just the past, but another time.

The great love affair dies and life goes on for Su Li-Zhen. Toward the end of the film we get a glimpse of what her life is now, or what it's not. You get to see how these things get lost. You see the way people bury memories, secrets and feelings. Their love didn't exist for anyone but themselves. No one ever had a clue as to what was going on, and if they did they never would've been able to appreciate the grandeur and beauty of it for the simple fact that they weren't a part of it; they weren't in it. It's that idea that calls to mind my parents. It's not just that the stories of their youth and that of the characters on screen coincide temporally, that's all superficial, it's this idea that there are untold stories, personal stories, from the past that are lost forever and belong only to them. I wonder of the things never said and of lives never lived. I wonder what of those things belong to my parents, the rest of my family, my friends and of myself. What stories will I make and take only for myself? What life will I lead? Who... just so many questions. So many questions and not enough answers... or at least, not enough time left for answering those questions...


DS333, tick-tock.

001.363.365

• The final Third post... I think I'm gonna cry. :(...
• I think Summer has officially hit Southern California and I couldn't be more miserable about it. :P It was sooo fuckin' hot today and the kicker is that it's supposed to be even hotter tomorrow! Ugh. I wanna hibernate till Fall. :P
• I've been a salted peanuts fiend today. I'm sucker for a batch of perfectly roasted salted peanuts. The sad thing is that I have an odd reaction to the salt, if I eat too many I start to feel a bit dizzy and all around fucked up. I think it might have to do with my blood sugar. In any case I'm planning on pigging out on some more later tonight. :P
• Another GQ arrived in the mail today. *sigh* Will I ever catch up? By the way, I'm kinda tripping out on how and where sexuality is found acceptable. Some might say that Gisele Bündchen's July cover is a tad pornographic. Not me, but I thought... interesting. It's so gray in America. *sigh*
• Now that things are coming to end I thought it would be a great time, in the next few days, to watch the final film in my Akira Kurosawa Retrospective, Madadayo. Bittersweet. :D :(
• Hell's Kitchen is almost over. :(
• Battlestar Galactica is on hiatus until Feb. '09!!! At least, that's what I think I heard. Ugh, such a long wait. But damn... that mid-season finale was fucking stellar! :D
• My back's wet! This isn't natural! Curse you Summer! *pumps fist*
• I can't get my wildflowers to live past a certain point in their development. I think it has to do with the way I've potted them. I learned from the first time around that direct sunlight is not the way to go... unless I'm looking for steamed veggies. :P Anyway... it's all a work in progress... I'll get it right eventually.
• Gee... I don't want to post/end this, but I can't think of anything else to say. Oh well.
• Okay.
• Goodnight sailors. ;)

DS333, waving.

The Art - "Golden Field"

Golden Field

approximately 8 1/4" x 5"; colored pencil on paper.


This is the first piece in my 100-part Joey's Book (AKA The Black Book) project.

Because The Black Book pieces are inspired by my dreams I'm a bit wary about going in-depth with my explanations here. I just have this idea of some psychoanalyst invading my head and ripping me apart. :P I'm sure I've loaded 'em up with enough ammo thanks to all my previous posts, so why compound my offense? My dreams are precious to me. I can deal with sharing them on this level... visually, because they pale in comparison to the actual memory. I feel that the memory is safe. Building on it with my words would endanger it and open me up in a way that I'm just not comfortable with. What I will say is that this wasn't a nightmare. This was one of those third-person perspective dreams, I viewed all the players from a great distance. And I remember not recognizing my form but knowing who I was, knowing it was me.

Anyway, I'm beat. I've been... this is very much a sketch, an experiment. I've been experimenting all day with this one. My thumb's sore, my back and neck ache and my eyes are failing me... I need sleep.


DS333, (-_-)zzZZZ

The Art - "Mountain Ring"

Mountain Ring

approximately 7" x 9"; ink on paper.


This is the third piece in my 21-part Jerry's Book (AKA The Brown Book) project.

I began this piece around the same time I started this blogging project and now that this blog is coming to an end I really wanted to complete this piece in time, because y'know how much I love synchronicity. Thankfully I did finish in time, in fact this one is hot off the presses, I got it done only a couple of hours ago. Phew!

There are two deeply personal stories interwoven with this piece... or at least with it's inspiration. This is an abstract representation of a ring, my ring, which I call the Mountain Ring. As a hard and fast rule I don't wear jewelry, or at least I didn't. I don't know... just one of those things. You know how you have an image of something in your mind? Well the concept of men with jewelry was always warped in my mind. Certainly I've seen and known men who could pull off the look... but because something is right for others doesn't necessarily mean it's right for you. The idea just never sat well with me. But I wanted a ring. I needed a ring. And sometimes you don't know the why of these things. The language of the heart is not the same spoken by the mind, so I can't really peg what it was about a ring. It could've just as easily been a necklace, no? Or a bracelet? I don't know...

The search for a ring began with the two stories I mentioned earlier. Both take place at the same time but in different places. There's a timeline of events in this plane, The Physical, and another that takes place... I don't know where, The Spiritual? It was in that space that I found something very precious to me. I found it in a time of great loneliness and in deep darkness. It is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I've the image of it in my mind and the feeling in my heart. It exists. And I wanted to protect it, to save it, to hold it, to honor it, etc. And that's when another story began to unfold.

I remember the first time I saw the ring in it's jewel case. I remember how right it felt. That's it! That's the one! It was exactly what I'd been looking for, exactly what I wanted. I had rock & steel in my mind; mineral & metal. They became chrysocolla and silver. It was perfect. It fit in every sense of the word. What I found I meant for others to protect. These people were extensions of myself. But it's just my nature to project in this way... it had to be symbolized. I envisioned mountains. Not men, not women, just people; people who lived in these mountains. Great mountains and great people. People of metal and rock. A hardy people. They are strength and resiliency personified. It is they who I wanted to entrust this very precious thing. The mountains and the people became the ring.

The actual ring exists as three that form one at the base. Again, I just have to mention how well everything fits. The sketch is partly inspired by kundilini yoga, specifically its chakra system. The inner most ring represented is the Ring of Claws that represents survival. Survival as differentiated from living. The Ring of Claws is scavenging... it's holding on... it's getting by... it's clinging to life as opposed to living it. The second ring is the Ring of Fire. This place is of procreation and sexual gratification. This is the street corner. This is the whores & hustlers. This is a life ruled by loins and lust. The outermost ring, the third, is the Ring of Thorns. This is a life ruled by competition. This place is of aggression and violence. Together, the three rings represent the Animal life... the life and aims we share with the animal world, the most base form of living, a non-spiritual life.

The fourth ring, that of the heart, occupies the same space as that of the Mountain Range. The second part of my ring is a square-cut piece of chrysocolla set in a "ring" of silver that sits atop the "animal" rings. The "ring" of silver is bound to the square piece of chrysocolla and looks very much like a range of mountains. The jewel in turn looks like a vaulted blue-green sky. Inside this space is where my Mountain People live. I envision a whole world all their own, safe and impenetrable. In each of the four directions, to give life to this world, I've represented the four elements; Eastern Earth, Southern Fire, Western Wind and Northern Waters. At the heart of the range is a representation of the actual jewel, offset by 45 degrees to call to mind a diamond/precious mineral. It's there that the burial ground exists; the safest place in all the worlds. This space, this world of mountains exists exactly between the Lunar and Solar powers. From this place the powers are undifferentiated and in balance. This is the place of the heart. This is the realm of spiritual growth; compassion. This metaphysical state exists beyond the three physical ones. This is one aspect of the heart; strength. Strength is what I've chosen to take away from my stories.


DS333, cryptic.

001.360.365

• Post 360! Only five posts left!! How many more exclamation points can I use!!!??? :P It's almost over and now the paranoia has set in... I'm convinced there's a meteorite out there somewhere hurtling toward Earth with my name on it. :P
• There are two sketches I absolutely need to get on this blog before the end. I've been spending the past few days working on them, or at least one of them. I'll have one day to complete the other. God I hope I make it. :P
• I haven't been using the pen all that much... my thumb's so sore as a result of all this recent drawing. :(
• The local Jamba Juice has been unusually hot in-store... what's up with that?
• I'm dying for some Strawberry Cake... thankfully I can indulge myself tonight. :D
• Been catching up with my podcasts, as usual. I love media. :D
• Okay, I'm outta here kitties. ;)

DS333, recouping.

Symbology

I went to church earlier today. I only "attend" (no service for me) twice a year, once for Mother's Day and once for Father's Day. I bring this up because I have a problem with relegating my "worship" (this is worthy of its own post) to a singular space that's removed and separate from my normal life. It's odd to me that... well maybe it's best that I don't get into anything too... negative. Life, all around, is constantly reminding us of the power and beauty of the transcendental. What it is that some people seek in a church I find in the everyday flow of life. It's in a conversation. It's in a moment of tragedy or weakness. It's a smile and a laugh... it's all the things, both big and small, that fill us with love, shock, humility, gratitude, awe, fear and most of all joy; joy in the wondrous reality of being. The idea of having to go somewhere to find that... or honor that... that, which is here with me, within me is so obtuse. I can't wrap my head around it.

But that's not what I wanted to get into... not specifically anyway. Speaking to the point of having it all around and within, I think it's important, no, vital to create a... a personal symbology that tightly interweaves into our everyday lives and constantly reminds us of those things we wish to stay connected with. Though, this business of symbols and The Referential is quite at odds with what I've just spoken about. It might sound as though that I'm suggesting adopting a... it's not about books or clothes or language. It's about mirroring what's within without. So I don't mean to suggest that advocating a system or structure of superficialities will bring you closer to the divine; it's quite the opposite. My symbology is about projection. I hate the idea of absorption or osmosis as a means of connection. What I really mean to say is that you won't ever find it out there until you find it within. The revelation doesn't come because you will it... or because you speak the words. The mirroring I spoke of earlier is of an internal light, a profound personal wisdom gained through experience. The symbols come into play by drawing on the power of those feelings, thoughts and ideas we hold most dear. We inject power and significance into them... without us they are meaningless, and yet they also inform. I use them all the time. Reflections... reflections of what is, reflections of what I need and reflections of what I want. There's a strength to be found in your own reflection.

As always I'm sure I've come across quite vague, if not, certainly convoluted. :P What are these reflections? They come in many forms. For me it's in the clothes, in the food, in color, in shape, in arrangement and constellation, in form, in behavior, in speech... everything is singing my song, everything is telling my story. I suppose it's ultimately about meaning... a constellation of allusion to your personal wisdom; arrangements that refer to a meaningful life. I wish I got into this sooner because there's so much to say and now so little time to do so. Fortunately I got this in before the end, and quite apt that I did so on this day of all days... the last thing I want is people telling me that what I need in my life is meaning, their meaning; all my life is is meaning... I wouldn't know how to a live a life without it.


DS333, calculated.

False Face

A little something about avatars tonight. I often wonder how many people are familiar with mine, the Sad Mac. I can't remember what my first dedicated avatar was but I know there was something before the Sad Mac because I specifically remember being on the hunt for something else. I remember coming upon the Sad Mac and it being a revelation. Of course! It just clicked; as the right things tend to do. But I wouldn't say I put as much thought into my avatar as I did my handle. I just... well, I always found the icon to be quite charming. It's quirky and cute... right up my alley. And I sort of have a history with... well... I'm very loving and caring with my machines, whatever they happen to be, but for whatever reason I have the worst (best?) track record with hardware and software failures. I don't believe they're ever really failings on the part of the system, I just happen to have a knack for making things fall apart. I don't get why that is. I'm so careful and conscientious when it comes to using and maintaining my machines... but it doesn't seem to make a difference, tragedy always strikes. :P So in that sense I have a real affinity for the concept of the Sad Mac.

The only downside to the Sad Mac is that it isn't mine. As much as I love it, I hate knowing that I didn't design it. I would love to fashion something on my own that I could fall just as madly in love with. Or at least design something that fits comfortably. I'm stuck on truly owning my avatar because I feel it's analogous to owning my own face in the physical world. The avatar is the closest thing we have to a body in the digital realm, so I'm obsessed with making something all my own. Something that speaks of me from my own voice. I've ideas of what that something may look like but I get the impression that I might only feel completely comfortable if I settle on something like my own face. But then I think that's kinda boring. Isn't the point of an avatar... or at least, isn't the fun in adopting an avatar choosing something that's slightly... I wouldn't say misleading, but maybe escapist? Something fanciful and as far removed from your physical character as possible? Something warped... a perversion of the physical? At least that's the way I feel. I'm obsessed with the abstract... and so maybe a simple picture of myself would be just that, too simple, too prosaic. In any case I know I'm looking on making a change, I just don't know what that change will be... I don't know what's gonna fit until I try it on.

I wonder what it would be like to constantly change my avatar... there's something mythic about doing so. I've only ever been comfortable sticking with something for a very long stretch of time, and actually find it quite disturbing, the frequency at which certain people change faces. Maybe disturbing is a bit strong, I just... I just can't see myself doing so, I'm not used to the idea. But I find the idea intriguing because it speaks of something very profound... this concept of taking on forms and casting them off... this reference to our Lunar Being. It's the death & rebirth thing... coming into form and fading out... and always underneath, always intact, who we truly are. I quite like that reference. I like the idea of paying little regard to the superficial... and playing with the idea of identity.

Anyway... I'm rambling (when is this not the case? :P ). I just wanted to get that out there 'cause I just wouldn't have felt right about coming to the end of things here and not having blathered on about avatars to some extent. That is all... over and out. ;)


DS333, casting off.

001.357.365

• Took the Metro today. I know people hate it but I just looove it. So many interesting people and stories unraveling out there.
• Was in Beverly Hills for a short time. Love seeing tourists snapping photos on Rodeo Drive.
• Caught up with my brother at Westfield Shopping Center, god I love that place.
• Had some Panda Express.
• Can I just say again how much I love free WiFi? I can't wait for a time, a future, in which true ubiquitous WiFi is a reality.
• Went to the FOX Studios lot to catch a free screening of M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening! :D
• It's amazing how difficult it is to find a Starbucks that's open when you really need one.
• Time to wind down I guess. I'm sorta talked out...
• See ya later you Weird Fishes. ;)

DS333, fading.

Memory... "Cerberus x2"

I used to have an irrational fear of dogs. When I was young, a wee lad, I had a very vivid dream in which I was walking hand-in-hand with my mother in our old neighborhood. In the dream, we walked passed a familiar facility. Even now, I don't know what the place was exactly but it reminds me of a junkyard. And like any good junkyard it was guarded by dogs. They were vicious creatures. Thankfully they were fenced in. Whenever anyone walked passed this place they went into an uproar. Because the gate was made corrugated sheets of steel it was hard to tell just how many dogs there were. All you could make out were their clawing paws and snapping snouts. That's what I remember most about my dream. I remember having to walk across the street to avoid the clamor of these canines, but even then I was afraid. But in my dream my mother and I didn't. I don't remember anything about my mom other than I knew it was her. I can't remember how she looked, she never spoke... there was nothing but her hand and I couldn't let go or maybe she wouldn't let me. She kept moving forward and I along with her. We were walking along the fence of this "junkyard" and the dogs came. But this time it was different. There seemed to be hundreds of dogs. All of them looking to get their teeth into me. I just remember the number and the noise. It was louder than usual and there was so much dust. I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves. Ever since then I feared them...

It wasn't until some years later that I lost the fear. Or at least I lost the irrational aspect of my fear. Now I fear dogs in the same way that I fear cars or people or stairs or physics, etc. :P It's more about paranoia than anything else. My older brother helped me with this. We were vacationing in Arizona, which is notorious for the amount of stray dogs running about, and for whatever reason we had to walk from one Aunt's home to the other. The Aunt we were staying with at the time lived in a community with very many guard dogs. I mean, they were obviously pets but... well I won't get into it. This was some years back so the fear of being sued by someone who had been attacked by an unleashed dog meant dogs were running wild and unchecked all the time. On our walk we had become surrounded. At the time, it was my worst nightmare. A ring of dogs, fangs bared and all of them barking and encroaching ever closer. I just remember clutching my brother, using him as a shield... him protecting me. And I remember his strength. He was afraid, but not terrified. And he said something to me that day that I've never let go of... that I've always treasured. It was a realization that what would be, would be. There's no sense in fearing something you don't know. There's no sense in fearing or fretting something you can't change as well. It's almost a meditation on surrender. It's actually a lot of things... mostly it's about conquering fear, or at least getting there. I still feel fear but it's not unchecked, it doesn't run wild in my heart in the same way that it used to. I can reign in it when I know I need to get through something or someone. The memory of that shift... I'll never forget.


DS333, in check.

Film Fetish: "Sex And The City: The Movie"

Sex And The City (2008)
- directed by Michael Patrick King


Following up on the success of HBO's hit cable series, Sex And The City picks up not far from where the show last left the four main characters.

Wow, wow, wow... I loved this movie! :D I only just got around to watching it so I'm a bit late to the party. During the time spent waiting to watch the movie I'd been hearing quite a lot of positive buzz about the film but that still didn't prepare me for the amount of fun I had. It felt like... the good ol' days. ;) I've been a longtime fan of the series and have seen ever single episode so I think it says a lot that I was more than satisfied with the outcome. My biggest worry was that the studio/production team would make a shitty film and bastardize the franchise all for the sake of making a quick buck, thankfully that wasn't the case. It felt like nothing had changed, in a good way, like I said it felt like the good ol' days. I think the film walked a fine line between feeling like an overextended t.v. show and a proper film, it was a perfect blend of the two. It felt like the show, but never did it feel bloated or exhausting. And as a film I think it did a great job of being open enough for an entirely new audience, I got the impression that you could pick up the story without ever having watched the original series. I can find no faults with this film. That said, I doubt it'll change your life... it's not a groundbreaking film, it just happens to be a whole lot of fun. But what's wrong with that? We all need to laugh once in a while. ;)


9/10 Yeah that's right, a 9. I could watch this movie over and over and over again. :P An absolute must for any fan of the series. And straight guys, no need to fear, this film isn't just for chicks and fags. :P ;) I can't imagine anyone not liking this film on some level.


DS333, pleased as punch.

001.354.365

• Finally got to see Sex And The City: The Movie with my cousin last night.
• It's not until I spend some time with someone who's not totally immersed in tech culture that I realize how obsessed I really am. Maybe I should cool off? Hmmm... ... ... ... Nah! :P
• Apple posted their WWDC '08 keynote as a downloadable podcast... it's a doozy, well over a gigabyte! Haven't watched it but boy am I looking forward to it. :D I gotta make the mood just right... I've a raspberry white chocolate mocha chillin' in the fridge that'll be perfect for the occasion, thank the maker. ;)
• I haven't really made an effort to watch the final two Akira Kurosawa films. I think... I don't want it to end, which is so weird... I love endings, but I guess... sometimes I don't.
• I do think I will get to Rhapsody In August tonight. :D
• Excited about the news/rumor that Nintendo might release a revised version of the Nintendo DS that'll forgo the ability to play Game Boy Advance games to make for a slimmer profile. You can never be too thin. :P ;)
• I need to clean my keyboard... not really exciting news but I just thought I'd throw it out there, it's been well over a week since the last cleaning.
• My brother and sister are gonna get a dog... a puppy actually... I think a toy dog, y'know, a really small dog. For some reason I'm really excited about it. I guess I like the idea of being able to play with it without having to care for it. :P
• Did I mention that I did make some brownies the other night, for the first time? They came out okay... but I didn't have any walnuts on hand, which really rapes. The one thing I truly love about brownies are the walnuts. It's always been a dream of mine to bake 'em myself so that I could go crazy with the amount of walnuts. Guess I got something to look forward to. ;)
• Okay, I think I'm done... Hell's Kitchen is about to begin in 5 minutes. :P
• Later bitches! :P ;)

DS333, feisty.

Bucking & Braying

I got into a conversation recently about authoritarianism which then bled into a general discussion on societal pressures and such. But in my mind I was somewhere else, trying to uncover the root of the problem, the origin of my hatred. Well, maybe not the origin, but I was trying to remember the first instance in which something like this left a bad taste in my mouth.

It had everything to do with being told that I'm a social creature, that humans are social animals. I've always hated that idea. There was this feeling that I didn't feel like everyone else, or what I had imagined everyone else was feeling, which was not my experience. It was all connected to these ideas of disconnection and alienation, and a brewing hatred or disdain for those who I felt weren't like me, and trying to reconcile that while we were different, we shared something in common… that at some point down the line we would need each other.

There was the idea that as natural as being alone felt, as good as it felt, eventually my biology would get the better of me and seek out something else, something new… some one. There's just something annoying about being clued into a realization you didn't happen upon yourself. And it's not as though I even have a problem with being a social animal (I do love people), I just hate not having the option of being something else. I am human, and nothing will ever change that, or my experience.

I hate feeling caged into one experience. I suppose that's why I live so much in my head, or on paper. There, I'm something else entirely.


DS333, in flux.

In Name Only?

I flirted with this thread in a previous post but was surprised to discover that I didn't pick it up again. Well the idea came again recently and I thought I would expound on it. I've always been interested in the business of naming. I'm always questioning the reasoning and effects of naming children, products, pieces of art, etc. There's a magic about naming something. I visualize what it's like and I see people bottling air or grasping at smoke. It can be like capturing and caging. But I feel it's only ever restrictive when it's done wrong.

Whenever I work on a piece of art I play with the idea of titling it at the outset. I do that because there's usually a singular energy or thought that I want to hold onto, titling it foists a net on the idea. Sometimes I don't have much of a thought in the beginning, instead I have a feeling. Feeling out the feeling is a lot like trying to remember something or someone. It's a bit like hunting. There's something out there that you know can guide you. That's what a title can be, a guide... a map. Sometimes it's there to direct you. But in the end it might change. You may find that you needed in the beginning you may not want in the end. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right to hold on. It's not a good thing to try and cage something that you should instead nurture... you might find that it'll turn on you. Sometimes a piece doesn't want to speak to you if the cage is too restrictive. The whole process is about communication... you never want your voice to drown out all else. And if you have found something that works... you have to be aware enough to realize when it doesn't. You get comfortable with a name after a while... it worked before, so why not now? Well things grow, things change. Sometimes there is something in a name. It matters, it all matters. It can shape and destroy entire worlds.

It's a fickle beast, names. Creatures die under it or strive because of it. It's all back-and-forth. Freedom for some and captivity for others. A lot of naming, prescient naming (the most profound sort), has to do with knowing your subject. You have to know it's strength or it's weakness... or maybe what I mean is that you have to know if what you're working with is a strong or weak entity; is it highly impressionable? Because a name can loom over a subject in such a way that the name becomes the whole. The spirit of what you were trying to honor chokes under the shade... it moves and sways to another tune, no longer it's own. People and pieces can become something because of a name... and sometimes those people and pieces aren't who they are or should be. But then, what should be? I don't want to get into my Destiny wrap right now. :P

Back to the magic of naming though... you hear about it through the grapevine, through the old tales. There's a thread here about Rumpelstiltskin that I can't follow right now. But I mention him because I want to bring to mind the idea of enchantment. There's a song I quite like, actually, very much love, Mother by Tori Amos. I think of Mother and this idea of becoming reborn through the power of love and it's connection to being renamed. I wonder what this means in regards to marriage. Taking on another person's name and becoming something else. Shifting your life in such a way that is seemingly superficial but actually deeply profound. All around are references to a new beginning. Casting off an old shell and becoming something new.... something united. I've always loved that idea. Being reborn... being changed by someone, enriched. And it's not a one-sided affair either, the change is two-fold. You change and they change... two come together to become one. And so I wonder what it means to have a name... but not the one you've known and grown with. I wonder of our true names... the ones not readily known or spoken, the ones written in our mind, body and spirit. And mostly I wonder of the magic in finding the one with the strength and tenderness to receive that knowledge and free us from our old selves.


DS333, pondering.

001.351.365

• 351!!!??? Craziness... only... lemme see... *counts using fingers* carry the one... move the remainder... only 14 blog posts left to go! :P
• No links today... I hate hunting for links. Cutting and pasting is too much of a hassle tonight. :P
• My brother and new sister came over today... did I mention they got married!? (I know I did ;) ) By the way, when I say married and brother & sister I don't want you getting the wrong idea... this is California, not the deep South. :P
• I haven't been walking as much as I used to these past few weeks but I took a nice long one this evening... nice cool breeze. There's nothing quite like a pleasant, leisurely walk. It's very blissful if you manage to have all the stars aligned.
• Had a huge helping of BBQ baby back ribs this afternoon courtesy of my brother. When did he become such a good cook? I think my Sis' rubbin' off on him. Deliciousness. :D Mmmm... *daydreaming*
• I'm gonna have a go at making some brownies. I'm such a fiend for brownies which is love a cousin of mine helped foster, she makes a killer brownie. Though I know she's really old school about the prep... they're practically made from scratch. In the culinary scape, much like the tech scape, I'm a far better consumer than creator. :P So I haven't made any, ever... and it'll be a while before I attempt to make them from scratch so I'm going the Betty Crocker and... Duncan Hines? route first.
• Betty Crocker & Duncan Hines are funny creatures to me... they're very quick and dirty. They're great... very good in my opinion, but there's a difference between quick & dirty and slow & loving. ;) They get the job done but you know it could be better. But like I said, they're good in a pinch. I aspire to become a lover in the kitchen... mainly a baker. I love baked goods... but then, who doesn't?
• I really HATE Google's new favicon. Thought so the day it was unveiled. Why don't they change it!? I haven't heard any love for it. Change is not always a good thing.
• I'm getting a headache... :( I know I shouldn't stare at this monitor any longer but there's no way that's gonna happen. :P
• Apple's WWDC is only... basically a day away (it's on Monday) and I can't wait!!! I've been trying to steer clear of all the rumors about all the possible announcements, I really want the virgin experience. I love not knowing what's to come... though I know in my heart we'll see those new iPhones. Once I see that white one... ah! I can't wait!!! :D
• Last night's episode of Battlestar Galactica may have been the best I've ever seen. So, so, so great! I love when... when you come down to it and year's worth of storytelling layers and builds upon itself to deliver some pretty powerfully poignant moments. I could've died watching that episode. Amazing storytelling. :D
• Okay that's enough... time to indulge my latest obsession: Draw My Thing. :D Wonder how I'll fare with this looming headache. :P
• Fair thee well my friends, have a pleasant journey in your part of the dream sea. ;)
  

DS333, gambling.

A Rant # "Implicit Respect"

I was listening to The Howard Stern Show the other day and they were having a discussion that centered around ideas of family life, child rearing, etc., none of which I want to talk about today but that discussion did spark another one I've had floating around my head for a very long time.

I've heard it all my life: Respect your elders. I hate the idea. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at odds with the idea of respecting my fellow man. I'd say everyone has some level of my respect from the outset, no matter who they are. But it's not an implicit respect. True respect needs to be earned and you earn it based upon your actions. I meet a stranger and I treat them kindly, the next move is his or hers, and based upon that interaction the degree of respect I've afforded them is either raised or lowered. In that regard I don't think I'm any different than anyone else, it just makes sense. So I never understood why my elders should be held to a different standard. I think one of the most sobering truths you learn as you grow older is that your elders are really no different than you, they're just people. And like most people, elders can turn out to be real dicks and cunts once you get to know them. And people become real pricks real quick when they feel entitled to something. I've seen certain elders take an obscene liberty with this sentiment around people who fully accept it. I'm sorry, but certain behavior is just unacceptable and I don't care who the fuck you are, if you come at me expecting to shit all over me without any reprisal you've got another thing coming. It's that idea that I have a problem with. Why kowtow to the lowest common denominator? Nobody gets a pass in my book, young or old.


DS333, phew!

Lyrical Exegesis / "Professional Widow"

This is only my second true Lyrical Exegesis post and as I come down to the end of this blogging project I really wish I set aside more time and put more effort into writing more of them, there are so many songs out there that I want to share and spin from my perspective because I feel it's a great way to share my... well, just share... my experience. I might have one more of these posts in me before the end but I can't be sure...


Professional Widow
- Tori Amos (Boys For Pele)

...
Give me Peace
Love
And a hard cock



When I first envisioned the Lyrical Exegesis feature I thought I would dissect a song's lyrics and music in full, but now I see that's far too daunting a task. For a song like Professional Widow there's just too much to delve into lyrically; conceptually. Fortunately, it's also one of those songs you can sum up with a short excerpt... at least, there's one facet, one message I want to latch onto. The excerpt above is the final verse of the song and the one I want to focus on.

I love this lyric, this message. I have it posted here and there on certain online profiles of mine and it was actually a friend of mine on one of these sites that sparked this post. I felt the need to explain myself and my love for these words... this concept.

I wasn't raised a Christian. That whole sphere of Judeo-Christian philosophy that exists in the hearts and minds of many is foreign to me. It's alien but still a part (however, small) of my mind and heart by virtue of being the predominant philosophy in America. You can't live here, or anywhere, without being affected by it in some way... it sees and rules all. In it's view I'm a heathen, I come from a noble ancestry of heathens. Although I also wasn't raised Navajo, It was still there... but it wasn't a part of my life in the way that Christianity was a part of my church-going friends' lives. But I had enough of that world (Navajo culture), that philosophy (Navajo spirituality) around me that I absorbed it more than anything else. It was a philosophical/spiritual osmosis... what I managed to take away came in the form of an understanding of symbology and a mind for metaphor (that's probably fairly obvious to anyone who knows me well enough). It's because of that absorption that I've been able to... relate. Comparative mythology is more my bag than anything else... I love it. So I don't have a problem with religion per se. I don't even have a problem with Christianity. My problem is with indoctrination... well even that's not true... I have a problem with misinterpretation. The greatest tragedy as it pertains to religion/mythology is mistaking shadow for substance and poetry for prose. The concept of a literal mind interpreting a spiritual language is... well I won't even get into it here, I need to focus.

Tori Amos is one of my two favorite artists of all-time, of any medium. She was raised Christian, the daughter of a minister no less. So her work is very much focused on... damn I knew this would be hard. :P

I feel like I'm on the outside in a lot of ways. I feel I'm under attack. It's that force... it's not Christianity but it's the perversion of Christianity that I feel at war with. I respond to and crave any work that speaks to that tension... The Cannonade Against Christianity, The Blitzkrieg of Blasphemy, The Salvo of Sin. It's about being under attack and opting for an offensive stance rather than defensive. To hell with the best offense being a good defense, I think... I know that allowing something as caustic and toxic as this specific form of perversion to let fly and unchecked is what the enemy would prefer; they would prefer that we not respond in kind. And I don't mean to... advocate a violent or... all I'm speaking of is fostering and owning your anger and outrage rather than dismissing or burying it. You keep it in your heart, you don't let it die, you foster it so that if you ever find yourself in a situation when it's called upon you you can come from a place of strength and clarity.

Of the many crimes perpetrated by The Great Perversion, the one I find most foul and reprehensible is the notion that Nature is fallen and sinful. So much of that philosophy speaks of strength and spirit from without rather than within; It speaks of shame. Everything I know and was raised on speaks of the exact opposite. I've known people who are damaged by it. I've seen it... this disconnection between body and soul. That Nature, the body, sex and sexuality could become points of shame and disgrace... well, I just don't understand how people could buy into that bullshit. To view sex as anything other than a Holy Communion is... it's just so foreign to me. To have a divinity that excludes, degrades or minimizes sexuality is counterfeit. That the natural and the spiritual could exist in two separate spheres is insane to me; natural is spiritual; Nature is Divine. And I don't know where you would look in this day and age and hope to argue the point. You've generations crippled by this castration and infibulation of the mind; that whole sphere of dysfunction. You've barren lands and polluted waters, all a result of this Great Perversion. You see the shame, the impotence, the pollution, the schizophrenia, the excess, the filth, the entitlement, the extinction, the perversion... is that Divine, is that Holy? It all comes to bear from an ideology that views Nature as fallen. That religion is not my religion... that world is not the world I want.

Give me peace / Love / And a hard cock is about union. To speak as a fully realized person would mean uttering and internalizing those words. It's an equal balance... or maybe no balance because there's no discrimination. The heavenly and the divine is not... it's not just the white doves. All of these elements are dependent on one another. The Holy Trinity is mind, body and soul. But it's always the body that gets left out of the picture. The body takes a backseat. The body is devalued. But we need the body if we want to taste the bliss of being. The hard cock is merely a reference to that idea, it also exists as the wet pussy or exists as whatever you need it to exist as to fully embrace every part of your being (both physical and metaphysical) and honor yourself and others for exactly what we are, The Divine.


It's really something to see Tori Amos perform live, and never more so than when she performs a song like Professional Widow that expresses this dialogue on sexuality as divinity. It's really something to see a woman with a Christian upbringing totally embracing her sexuality and playing with your idea of propriety; she'll straddle and grind that piano bench, she'll spread her legs and claw her inner thighs, she'll growl, holler and moan, she'll caress her breasts and clench her crotch, and as you'll see in the final seconds of this performance she'll wrench and slurp her microphone as a phallic object. She's so... words don't do her justice. *swooning* ;) :D





Professional Widow (album lyrics)

slag pit
stag shit
honey bring it close to my lips
yes
don't blow those brains yet
we gotta be big boy
we gotta be big
starfucker just like my daddy
just like my daddy selling his baby
just like my daddy
gonna strike a deal make him feel like a congressman
it runs in the family

rest your shoulders peaches and cream
everywhere a judas as far as you can see
beautiful angel
calling "we got every re-run of muhammed ali"

prism perfect
honey bring it close to your lips
yes
what is termed a landslide of principle
proportion boy it better be big boy
starfucker just like my daddy
just like my daddy selling his baby
just like my daddy
gonna strike a deal make him feel
like a congressman
it runs in the family

mother mary
china white
brown may be sweeter
she will supply
mother mary
china white
brown may be sweeter
she will supply
she will supply
she will supply
she will supply

give me peace
love
and a hard cock


DS333, hard.

001.348.365

• Had such a great night playing hours and hours of Draw My Thing on I'm In Like With You. That site's all about the games and they recently unveiled some new ones, the highlight being the Pictionary clone, Draw My Thing. I met this one guy who was making me laugh sooo much. It's rare that I find someone online with my exact sense of humor. I only stopped because my gameroom froze... which is a good thing 'cause I had to eat and blog. :P
• I don't really have much else to say... my mind's consumed with one thing. :P

DS333, starving.

Playing The Game

I was also thinking of titling this post Living Life. Damn! I just got another idea for another blog post... *writing it down* Anyway, I've been thinking about writing about this for some time, in some form. Apple's WWDC '08 conference isn't far off and with it comes the highly anticipated announcement of the second generation iPhone. It's the iPhone that sparked this idea recently, not the new but the old one. I've been thinking specifically about the mandatory contract with AT&T you have to sign if you buy the iPhone. Whenever this comes up I always have to bring up AT&T. Now I won't go into it here, so you can read that here. :P

But I just... well it's a funny thing. I hate people who impose their morals and ideals on others. But then, you could say that I do that quite a lot. I try not to, I like to think I project rather than impose... I don't particularly think of myself as judgemental but I guess I am... I mean I know I am. There's always been this tension between being open and judgemental with me. I like to say that the worst thing anyone's ever said to me is that they "admire[d] [my] moral rectitude." WTF!? I hated that so much. What should've been taken as a compliment always felt like an insult. It's hard for me to imagine being... open and diplomatic and holding a space in which thoughts and concepts are sharp and rigid. I'd never want to alienate... or... I never want to close myself off from trying to relate or connect with something or someone and for some reason I feel that those rules will separate and cut me off. It's a stupid idea. I think of uniting the Madonna and the Magdalene when I fall into this... it's possible to create and live within two spaces at once. I know that's possible but still I fear painting myself into a corner. I never want to become that enemy.

You know, I'm muddling everything. I'm merging too many thoughts at once. I just wanted to say that I think it's interesting to meditate on this idea of holding true to who you are and what you believe is right in a world that's not always true and that you don't always feel is right. And I'm always interested in what people let slide. What's your line? What's my line? What do you deem acceptable or unacceptable? And how do those lines affect your life? There's a thread here about sacrifice... that's always the case when you stand up for what you believe is right I suppose. There's also a thread about the state of things, the way of the world and the toxicity of indifference. But as for playing the game and living life... well I was thinking about sweating or not sweating the small things. Sometimes we might get out of hand with our beliefs... but then again... that's all a matter of perspective. See, for me... I sorta cringe whenever I see someone with an iPhone because I know that it means for AT&T, or at least I know what it doesn't mean for that particular user. They're not bothered by what they've done? They're fine with giving them their business? But as I said... it's all about lines and there's so much corruption in the world that it would be hard not painting yourself in a corner. We're all playing the game... we're just trying to live life and don't really need someone telling us what we're doing is wrong. But still, I care. I'm going to find every opportunity to spout off. If I see something happening that I think is wrong, well at the very least I'm going to voice my opinion. So at times, to hell with playing the game and playing it nicely or just living life (life is more than just surviving)... above all else you have to stay true to yourself; you have to speak up.


DS333, confused & lucid.

Foundation

I know I haven't stopped posting but it feels like I haven't blogged in days... feels wild. I feel outta sorts, almost like I don't know what to say. But I do have one topic of interest I want to touch upon. It sorta got stirred with a recent post...

Places like people have their own unique character. I'm not talking about anything too grand... I don't mean to bring to mind nations or continents. I'm also not talking about anything particularly small like neighborhoods. I'm really talking about cities, at least, I want to talk about cities because it's certainly the case that neighborhoods, cities, nations and continents all have character.

With cities like these, the ones with character, I often question how they came to be. Getting to know a city is much like getting to know a person, there are all sorts of questions with many answers covering many stories and filled with much history. It's very complex. Cities are as complex as people. In the same way that I feel there's something in the blood with people, I feel there's something in the earth with cities.

I visit a place I've come to know over several years and I begin to deconstruct it. I imagine what it must have been like. I envision the space, not the place... take out the buildings, the streets, the people, the wiring, the plumbing, etc. It's never what it really was 'cause I don't know what it was... it's just my imagination. But I imagine mountains... mountains must have existed here once. There were rivers and streams; forests and deserts. But even that is just place and not space. I speak of this space in the same way that I speak of headspaces and emotional spaces; a kind of energy. I've said it before... but this is really one of those times that I wish I could take people into my head, my mind, because it's there... but only visual. I imagine the whole of the world like a stage... and there are shifting lights dedicated to certain places on Earth; committed and shifting. This light, that energy, dictates any number of things... but we'll stick to the topic at hand: foundations. Unlike people I think cities can't change. It might be a consequence of not being able to move because changing your character might require new lighting, so to speak.

There's just something essential about certain places... intrinsic. These places change in the same ways that we can... the roads come, the people come, the buildings, etc. But that doesn't change what's underneath and in between, those changes are only superficial. I don't think places change. I imagine what happened before is happening now. I imagine the people living here are the people who have always lived here. These places, like people, are like lighthouses... attracting a particular sort. Some people you know live out the same stories over and over again, attracting a certain type. Sometimes it's violent, sometimes it's loving, etc. I think we share an affinity to our cities because they call to us... some part of us, not the whole. I think people can become larger than cities and harbor entire universes. But on the whole I think the people match the place, there's something to that... reflections.

I felt like I was going to go on but I lost the thread... I hate when that happens, it makes me feel like I was just about to happen upon something illuminating. Oh well... there was something about nomads in there for sure. Curse those nomads. :P


DS333, thinking.

001.345.365

• Fuck, only 20 posts left! :O That's wild.
• My brother's wedding went off without a hitch... I have a new sister! :D Well, in my view I always had one but now in the eyes of the United States government it's official. :P It was a really great day... beautiful was the watchword, just everything. It was one of those days. :D
• Decompression day. ;)
• Almost missed Million Dollar Password on CBS. I scheduled it via iCal on my iPod touch almost a month ago but I guess they juggled the times around since then. Pretty awesome show, I'm a sucker for Password/Pyramid.
• 20 posts left and my Ring sketch isn't done yet. Took 'im out to Starbucks today and it's all falling together. :D
• I've a grip of See's candy sticks to devour here.
• Seems like the Wii bug's been spreading. My cousin's Wii died on him... sorta. It'll turn on but it won't read discs... guess it's pretty obvious that it's the disc drive. I'm so glad all is right with the world on this end. :P ;)
• Massive clouds of gnats have been plaguing the neighborhood today... it's insane! I don't know what's up and where they came from. *shivers*
• Did I mention that I think my wildflower might actually survive? I can't be sure... but I think life has found a way. :D
• That's enough, see you kids later. ;)

DS333, signing off.