Bucking & Braying

I got into a conversation recently about authoritarianism which then bled into a general discussion on societal pressures and such. But in my mind I was somewhere else, trying to uncover the root of the problem, the origin of my hatred. Well, maybe not the origin, but I was trying to remember the first instance in which something like this left a bad taste in my mouth.

It had everything to do with being told that I'm a social creature, that humans are social animals. I've always hated that idea. There was this feeling that I didn't feel like everyone else, or what I had imagined everyone else was feeling, which was not my experience. It was all connected to these ideas of disconnection and alienation, and a brewing hatred or disdain for those who I felt weren't like me, and trying to reconcile that while we were different, we shared something in common… that at some point down the line we would need each other.

There was the idea that as natural as being alone felt, as good as it felt, eventually my biology would get the better of me and seek out something else, something new… some one. There's just something annoying about being clued into a realization you didn't happen upon yourself. And it's not as though I even have a problem with being a social animal (I do love people), I just hate not having the option of being something else. I am human, and nothing will ever change that, or my experience.

I hate feeling caged into one experience. I suppose that's why I live so much in my head, or on paper. There, I'm something else entirely.


DS333, in flux.