Memory... "Cerberus x2"

I used to have an irrational fear of dogs. When I was young, a wee lad, I had a very vivid dream in which I was walking hand-in-hand with my mother in our old neighborhood. In the dream, we walked passed a familiar facility. Even now, I don't know what the place was exactly but it reminds me of a junkyard. And like any good junkyard it was guarded by dogs. They were vicious creatures. Thankfully they were fenced in. Whenever anyone walked passed this place they went into an uproar. Because the gate was made corrugated sheets of steel it was hard to tell just how many dogs there were. All you could make out were their clawing paws and snapping snouts. That's what I remember most about my dream. I remember having to walk across the street to avoid the clamor of these canines, but even then I was afraid. But in my dream my mother and I didn't. I don't remember anything about my mom other than I knew it was her. I can't remember how she looked, she never spoke... there was nothing but her hand and I couldn't let go or maybe she wouldn't let me. She kept moving forward and I along with her. We were walking along the fence of this "junkyard" and the dogs came. But this time it was different. There seemed to be hundreds of dogs. All of them looking to get their teeth into me. I just remember the number and the noise. It was louder than usual and there was so much dust. I felt like I was being thrown to the wolves. Ever since then I feared them...

It wasn't until some years later that I lost the fear. Or at least I lost the irrational aspect of my fear. Now I fear dogs in the same way that I fear cars or people or stairs or physics, etc. :P It's more about paranoia than anything else. My older brother helped me with this. We were vacationing in Arizona, which is notorious for the amount of stray dogs running about, and for whatever reason we had to walk from one Aunt's home to the other. The Aunt we were staying with at the time lived in a community with very many guard dogs. I mean, they were obviously pets but... well I won't get into it. This was some years back so the fear of being sued by someone who had been attacked by an unleashed dog meant dogs were running wild and unchecked all the time. On our walk we had become surrounded. At the time, it was my worst nightmare. A ring of dogs, fangs bared and all of them barking and encroaching ever closer. I just remember clutching my brother, using him as a shield... him protecting me. And I remember his strength. He was afraid, but not terrified. And he said something to me that day that I've never let go of... that I've always treasured. It was a realization that what would be, would be. There's no sense in fearing something you don't know. There's no sense in fearing or fretting something you can't change as well. It's almost a meditation on surrender. It's actually a lot of things... mostly it's about conquering fear, or at least getting there. I still feel fear but it's not unchecked, it doesn't run wild in my heart in the same way that it used to. I can reign in it when I know I need to get through something or someone. The memory of that shift... I'll never forget.


DS333, in check.