Shaking The Sandman

I've the worst time rousing myself from sleep. I can't do it. Not on the first go anyway. That probably doesn't make me very unusual. But what if it takes me three of four gos to shake the Sandman? I'm certainly not alone, but I can probably count myself among a select few.

I've been thinking that this phenomenon is an externalization of that internal struggle people deal with everyday. That demon thing that keeps us from doing the things we want to do. I think of the addict or the masochist. I can be judgemental. So I've wondered why it is certain people can't stop hurting themselves. What's this compulsion? There's an internal switch which can be flicked to "moderate" and "safe" that's being ignored. I wonder why some people can't stop drinking, eating, using, etc. to such an excess. I've wondered why people don't avoid chaotic and abusive relationships. All these things that can be controlled. There's a damage underlying these choices and actions. Damage that compels one to self-destruct. But that doesn't mean that things couldn't be different. Things could be different. You could not be doing the things you're doing to yourself if you just stop. Though just is a loaded word. These things are easier said than done.

So I've been thinking that I have this thing in me... this compulsion to do what I don't want to do. It feels as though I can't resist, but I can. I want to, but obviously not enough. Anyone can make a change if they want it enough. But I think more often than not we're in between. I've enough of my self intact to know that I want things to be different but have an equal amount (if not, more) of my shadow that wants things to stay the same. I've been thinking of this voodoo. This lure of the shadow. The mystification of the constant. I'm reminded of it whenever my eyelids hang heavy. I want to wake, but sleep is too sweet. I can't help myself. I'm weak to this charm, this spell. It's escapist and I enjoy it far too much. I need to break the charm of the sleeping kingdom. I just need to awaken.


DS333, rising.