Projected Projects > "I Think I'm A Mother"

The title's a bit extreme, but I've always wanted to use it. :P It's the title of one of my favorite songs, I Think I'm A Mother by PJ Harvey off her 1995 album, To Bring You My Love. It's not really in keeping with the spirit of this particular post, but I am about to become a mother... so in some respect it is apt. ;)

I've had this project in mind for almost three years now. It was around that time that I got my hands on a special edition of Tori Amos' 2005 album, The Beekeeper. Included in the set was a package of wildflower seeds called The Beekeeper Mix. The hook being a means to further connect with the message/spirit of the album by becoming a gardener. There's this idea that our relationships and our lives are like gardens. The watchword is commitment. We tend to get into trouble whenever we neglect our gardens. The weeds, while necessary, do need tending to. Overlooking the problem(s), losing ourselves in denial can wreak havoc on a garden. It's important not to lose control and remain vigilant in keeping things healthy. It's hard and it takes work, but it can be achieved. Though, that's not to say an overgrown garden is necessarily a bad thing... some people need that chaos. But there's a hope that people can at least distinguish what is unhealthy. It's important to moderate and keep things in balance. Gardening keeps you in tune with the chemistry of balance. A garden is a reflection of the gardener. And I'm curious to see what kind of gardener I turn out to be.

One of my fondest memories of childhood was a project I had in elementary school. I believe it might have been in second or third grade. We were given the task of raising a lima bean, so to speak. I don't remember what they even become... but I remember the excitement of giving life to something. Something organic. In a lot of ways we're all mothers and fathers. Connecting with that energy has always been consigned to my art. A lot of what goes on there has a lot to do with the Mothering and Fathering principles. But there's something... different about giving life to something organic. It's in no way more profound. My spirituality holds a rock in the same regard as a human. But the organic is intrinsically more dynamic and engaging. It's so haphazard and fragile. It's the stuff of spontaneity. It also takes less work on the part of the audience to appreciate the wonder of being; you know life when you see it in that form. So it's merely a reference to things I'm already in tune with on a metaphysical level. Rearing these creatures is a physical manifestation of that thinking, like my art. But again, it's just different. And I... again... this has been in the works for some time. Longer than the aforementioned three years. I want to bring that childhood memory to life again. I want that... that everyday back and forth in the beginning; the anticipation of life. The constant attention you give and tending you do when you want to spark something. Then the payoff of seeing that frail little stalk break the earth and breathe the air and bask in the light of day. Which is followed by the upkeep and maintenance... and also the fear of death. It's the whole of process that I'm in love with, the idea of it. It's all encompassing.

The floodgates opened earlier this year when I fell into my Pom Tea obsession. As much as I fell in love with the drinks themselves, I was also taken by the bottles they came in. They're beauties of design, so elegant and minimalist. I found it very hard to throw them away, so I saved a lot of them. I kept them around thinking I'd have some use for them. This was odd, given how much shit I throw around whenever I see people cling to things they don't immediately use or need. But again, they're just so beautiful... it would've been a crime to throw them away. So it wasn't long after I had them that the idea came to use them as vases. I could see it in my mind's eye. It looked beautiful. As I held onto those bottles, waiting; I also held onto those seeds, waiting. Waiting for the right time. And that was it. All the pieces were in place and a vision was formed. It was a... a practical expression of the evolution of my thoughts to paper. It was very organic, very seamless. Kismet.

So I'm gonna give this a go, not knowing where it will go. I hope it turns out well. I come from an agrarian ancestry, so I'm sorta hoping that genetic memory kicks into high gear. :P But I don't really have any fears. And I'm not about to obsess about the project either. I'm not gonna do any crazy research. I'm not gonna buy any crazy soil. I'm not going to use any crazy liquid supplements. I want the whole of this thing to be organic and natural. I wanna get my hands dirty old school. Water, soil and light is all I'll need. I'm gonna see what I can make of it on my own... on the fly. I'm gonna become the gal who gets knocked up not knowing a lick about raising a child. I'm gonna dive into this fearlessly and foolishly. I mean... life is happening all the time without any intervention, I'd have to imagine if I threw these seeds to the wind they'd come to bear on their own... eventually. How hard can it be? Lets hope not much.

So yeah, I'm excited about this one. I've nine (the goddess number) bottles set aside for this thing, but I'm gonna start out using only one. If all goes well, I'll have them all going together... hopefully by the end of the year. I'm... I need this. I'm so disengaged from the natural order and flow of things. I need to be engaged. My hope is that... well... I just need this. So I hope this works out. Wish me luck. ;)


DS333, nurturing & fostering.