The Beginning

This is one of those thoughts I've had floating around my head for as long as I can remember remembering. Well, maybe more like as long as I can remember thinking.

I wrote that in my recent Consequence post. I made sure to make special note of it because I knew I wanted to explore that thought further. I'm not sure it makes much sense at first glance, but it obviously does to me so I thought I would explain.

I've talked about my relationship with memory before. It's not photographic, and it might not even be among the very best, but it's very good I'd say. I have very old memories, very clear memories. I have memories of being a baby; of my crib, my diapers, etc. I have a pretty good cross section of memories from the various stages of my life. What I don't have is what I want to call a mind for the memory, though it's probably more accurate to say a memory of the mind.

For much of my upbringing I don't remember having thought or awareness. I don't remember having a mind. It's almost like not being alive. But saying I was a part of the living dead wouldn't be quite right either 'cause I was very full of life as a child. I was very happy, so I'm not saying it was a bad thing. I just don't remember being alive, or maybe just not alive in the way that I am today. Which is a given considering the expanse of time and the nature of change. But it's like... the memories aren't alive... like a wire that's not live, they're not charged. It's as though my early memories could just as easily belong to someone else because they lack this connection to the intellect, so they don't feel fully integrated into my being. But they're halfway there since they're emotionally charged, they've sentimental value. But they're only operating on one level. The memories I cherish the most operate on the two; of the mind and the heart. And it's not as though I think they ever could operate on the two... when I say I don't remember having a mind, that's a bit misleading. I don't think there was a mind at all.

It's very much the Man vs. Nature thing, I think. Children are operating on the... hmmm... I almost tripped myself. Children are pure life. Pure energy. They're the Nature Principle. Unspoiled by the realm of thought. There's this golden age when the indoctrination, regimentation, etc. hasn't yet set in. It's like being in between... 'cause you're not operating on the base, animal level... but you're not fully aware either. That's what I mean by not being fully alive. It's a catch-22. I'm not exactly saying I fell victim to indoctrination and the social norm (or that you need to to feel alive), far from it, but I've just eased into my own... I've activated parts of my mind that have created a distance between who I am now and who I was then. Looking back on my childhood, on the person I was, I feel like... it's all superficial. In my mind's eye I can see who I was. But I can't remember what it was to be me. I can't recognize the face; what it meant to be in that body. I can't remember what I thought of the things I do now because I never did. They were outside of my realm of experience. And I'm so far into who I am now that I can't relate fully... to those memories. Of what it meant to be me. There's only a vague impression of what was going on behind the veil, and it's there that I go to make something happen. I've a hold on certain thoughts.

So I've always considered my puberty as my third birth. It was around that time, give or take a couple of years, that I feel I came into being. Something was sparked. I often wonder if it was biological. I'd say I came to life a few years before the true onset of puberty, but I have to imagination that process isn't quite... I've gotta imagine there's some sort of biochemical groundwork that needs to be laid before the body can come to fruition. Obviously puberty is as much about the mind as it is the body. About the interior as well as the exterior, so maybe the spark coincided with the beginning of that process... before the external was realized. So maybe it didn't hit before puberty, but at the exact same time. But then I also imagine I just sorta reached my breaking point. That talk of indoctrination and regimentation... I imagine a scaffold raised a few feet above my mind. This scaffold supporting everything being loaded and dumped on me from the outside world. There's too much of it to go through... it's everything. Ideologies, philosophies, etc. Everything society can throw at you. I imagine the scaffold breaking and it falling onto and into you. Some things you adopt and some you don't, but it's the breaking that matters. I imagine that's a part of it too. Well, that it's all a perfect storm. It's everything at once. I have a clear time in my mind that the person I am now was birthed. It began then.


DS333, filtering.