Consequence

This is one of those thoughts I've had floating around my head for as long as I can remember remembering. Well, maybe more like as long as I can remember thinking. It's been with me for a long time and I don't share it all too often because like most things that are personal to me... it's hard to find the right place for it. I'd imagine much of what's going on in my head is really only important to me. But that's what makes this blog perfect; it's mine. I don't answer to anyone here and so I only have myself to please. I thought this thought would feel right at home here, like most of my thoughts...

I am... what am I? Not a fan, not an admirer, not a lover, not an acolyte, not a follower, not a many things; but at the same time, all those things, of the counterculture and underground. To say I'm a fan of the underground doesn't say enough. Being an admirer seems too disconnected for my taste. Being a lover almost hits the mark. Being an acolyte is too much and not disconnected enough. Being a follower is too involved. I can't find the right word. It's a lot about being in between different feelings and ideas. But I'm there... I've always been drawn and attracted to the dark. It's a drive... it's a need somewhere deep within that makes me seek out those things that others shy away from. It's so strong and... the greatest bond I know because it's a bond with my self. I don't know where it comes from and I don't know the why of it all.

The why is very amorphous. Sometimes it's a drive to know the things that aren't readily known; a voracious curiosity. Sometimes it's a need to make connections with the alien and foreign. With respect to that last need, I think there are two ways you can go when encountered with the dark: to run from or run toward. It's the difference between fear and understanding. It's something deep within... to know if you need to run from and fear your enemy or run toward it in an attempt to understand it. The understanding is a route toward demystification; what turns Devils to Gods. The dark, for me, in this form, is man's inhumanity to man; extreme violence. Shying away from this is a disservice to the self I think, that business of monster-making. It amounts to nothing to put yourself at odds with something you're a part of or that's a part of you. Doing that, disassociating yourself from your enemy, is an externalization of an internal war. I'm not saying that there isn't a need for this type of war... this discrimination of thoughts and ideas; that can be healthy. I just feel people too often make enemies with the dark than they should. Sometimes going there is about reclamation, redemption, definition, rebirth, etc. It's so ripe of enrichment and growth... and I imagine that's the true fear of the dark: change.

I think there's also something to be said for the vicariousness of observation. In my life I'm surprisingly milquetoast; very boring and bland. I mean, I don't think I'm boring and bland, I think I'm quite fun actually... but I'm not totally lacking awareness. By most people's standards I'd be considered very vanilla, very safe, very within-the-lines, etc. It's just who I am. But being that, drives me to seek out what I'm not. It's just fascinating to me to see what drives people... what gets them going. I think people get too wrapped up in moral judgements to appreciate what's going on on the other side of the fence. I ride the fence more than anyone I know. So I just look at it as... research. It doesn't require much of me to observe. There's no harm in it. And in terms of the war I was speaking of earlier... an association with this sort of dark is an exercise in definition. Going there, I never have a more clear picture of who I am... or rather, who I am not. Delving into this form of dark, the healthy way, is about keeping who you are in your mind's eye and tempering that image with repulsion and definition all without judgement. To each their own, as they say.

I realize at this point, as usual, I'm being quite vague. :P That was intentional. So if I were to continue following this thread it would only get worse... we're talking über-abstraction. And if I were to get into specifics... well... that would be too... specific. :P There's something to be said for discretion and privacy. ;) Anyway, the point of going on along this line would only be a means to further illustrate this relationship I have with the dark, the taboo, the underground, etc. I think that's pretty well established by now and I can pick up the original thread of this conversation...

I don't know where this comes from, this relationship with the taboo. This questioning has always vexed me. I, for whatever reason, get caught up in this discussion of consequence. Whatever this is, this relationship, I feel speaks to the heart of who I am... it's origin is buried deep within my self. It's at the soul of who I am. It is a part of my very being. Having that thought in mind makes me wonder what it's informed and influenced... specifically my sexuality. I'm very much a proponent of the idea that sexuality is more a matter of nature than nurturing. More being the operative word since I believe it's a mixture of the two. So I often wonder if my sexuality is a consequence of this relationship, or if this relationship is a consequence of my sexuality.

Being gay is more than being attracted to men... it's a whole host of problems, issues, ideas and experiences. If it were just that, than I think there wouldn't be this questioning. But it's not, at least not to me. It is so connected to who I am that I feel it could just as easily be the... what would I say? My soular spark. That thing that informs my very being. It's very much about going against the grain and being a counterculturist. It's about being different and unusual. It's about feeling disconnected and alone. It's about being a minority. It's about being careful and suspect. It's about being fearful. It's about being courageous and proud. It's a lot of things. It's a little complex.

So I've wondered... well like I said, this is all very abstract... I'm imagining the creation of my soul and this being the primer for my physical manifestation in this plane. If that... whatever it is (not being gay, it's much more than just that), informed my being born into a minority let's say. That in itself is very much about being different and alienated and... well it's very much tied to the other experience. A lot of the... motifs that appear in my life fit in this way. And I wonder where it comes from... what's the foundation and what's the structure being built. What's informing these things? What came first? What's true? What's imitation? And also what's the meaning of this questioning? What would amount to? Where is it leading? The fact that it's been around for so long makes me think that there is something here I'm missing... something I've yet to stumble upon that will provide some profound self-illumination. I imagine it'll be answered... well that's too prosaic, I mean to say that I'll come to some sort of revelation... this questioning is like water on a stone. It's all being refined... I'll come to the heart of this thing... eventually.


DS333, questioning.