The Light House

I'm in the middle of a battle. I've decided to give up Coke for at least a year. That's Coca-cola, or any soda for that matter, and not cocaine. Though I'm not a cokehead either, but I'm sure I've gone on my straight edge rant before (or at least mentioned it in passing) so you already know that.

I'm not sure exactly why I'm on this kick to nix the fix. I mean I have ideas. I've done this before. Back then it was merely an exercise in restraint and control. I wanted to see what it might be like to kick an addiction. I was never obsessed with soda, obsession being my idea of what a true addiction might feel like, but it had definitely become apart of my routine. So I wanted to see how easy or difficult it would be to face my version of addiction. Surprisingly it was quite easy. And because it was nothing more than experiment in my mind, I didn't swear off soda forever. I didn't suckle at the corn syrup teat in quite the same way I did before, but once that year was through I continued to imbibe.

Now I'm approaching the situation in another way. This time around it's not about exercising control or restraint. And while I'm not consuming in the same way I did when I had a quasi-addiction, I think it might be more difficult to kick this time. I think it'll be harder this time around because I'd structured a routine that I felt (and still feel) was moderate and healthy. I'm imagining the lure might come in the form of an internalization of that belief, one that could rival the initial impetus for change. What I had, more or less, stayed true to was only drinking soda on the weekends or whenever I went out. Just two days out of the week. Seems sane. But again, the problem was never about decadence. As most things are with me, it's all philosophical.

At a certain point, after you've talked the talk, you realize you need to walk the walk. Hopefully it's not for anyone else other than yourself, as is the case here. I'm doing this all for me. And for me, the walking doesn't begin after a whole lot of talking has taken place. When you adopt an idea... maybe adopt isn't the right word... the thought is always there, just hidden. So when you become aware, and begin to identify with the idea... thinking can only get you so far. Or rather, thinking brings you to a point where you can no longer luxuriate in denial and obliviousness. This is the case with any form of enlightenment or revelation. In your thinking you inspire more thinking until you flesh out a complete philosophy that is totally your own and that you can identify with through-and-through, and realize you are not living up to.

I liken the process to building a house. You know you need a home, the spark is always there, the thought. There's a need burning somewhere inside. Informed by this flame, an idea emerges from the dark. The idea is gross, broad and undefined. Meditation is articulation. Feeling out an idea, and forming who you are in relation to it creates a shape, a philosophy. The more time and effort you take, the more complex and customized the house becomes. Until you come to the final thought, the final piece to your house, you create a door.

In this instance, I've created a room. And I've just finished my door. Living in the room requires walking through the door. That is true action. Everything up to this point has been purely metaphysical. The completion, the integration, the identification of the idea requires taking from the metaphysical into the physical. This is the difference between knowledge and wisdom. It's not enough to know what is right, you need to do what is right. Knowledge in action is wisdom. It's the door that creates a pull and drag to make change. The room is finished, it's mine and I need to claim it. There's only one person for whom this room is suited. Only one person with the key. The fully realized version of who I know I am and need to be. Knowing this, and not being that man is what inspires change. You become disgusted with yourself, if only because you feel like a hypocrite. You've become all talk. The house is finished, you don't need to talk anymore, you don't need to think anymore, you need to do. Being inauthentic is the supreme crime.

I've felt that way before. Being in between two places. At the threshold. I created my bedroom and needed only to claim my sexuality to sleep comfortably there, forever and ever. The months before coming out of the closet to my family was a period of intense self-loathing. It's amazing how quickly a room can come together. Because I'd known that I was gay for a very long time, years and years. By the same token, so had everyone else. But I'd become accustomed to... I don't know what the word is. I imagine having breathed in dirt my entire life. You don't feel like being quiet or silent is doing much damage. It's very subtle, that quiet killing. You're in the sand, underground, living the life of the undead. But it's subtle, so it's okay. Being on the otherside is what creates the great disparity. Being at the threshold and seeing what it could be like and who you could be, then taking a step back and seeing how things really are and what you've become is the great revelation. Being in between is the worst. You fall in and out of phase of who you are and who you truly are. It's exhausting if nothing else. You feel sick, literally. I've never felt more nauseous in my life...

But back to my original thread. The room comes together rather quickly in the end, much like a physical room I suppose. You just start to hear things, read things, see things that all call back to what you should be doing. To who you are. And what you're not. That's been happening. It was like that before. So many of the people I admired were hammering in these points that I couldn't argue with. I was seeing the tragedy of remaining silent and still all around me, as well as the glory of change. It's like a torrent of whispers and nudges calling you back home. And it's the automatic response to refuse the call, out of fear, that's the most sickening thing. So while giving up soda might not seem as significant or monumental as coming out of the closet, it is to me. Because it's really not about the action itself, it's about claiming who I am. I've all these thoughts about why I need to do this, though I've gone on long enough about so much else so I won't get into that... but it's all significant to me. I know what I should be doing, so I'm going to.


DS333, owning.