Decisions, Decisions

I'm really having a hard time deciding where I should draw the line between the personal and impersonal, as far as these posts are concerned anyway. Obviously, all of these posts are personal on some level... so I guess the real trouble lies in trying to figure out what's innocent and what's harmful. What's too personal? I have other outlets on the Net where I can be incredibly personal... but they're not tied to the rest of me, my online identity. In a sense they're anonymous outlets, which isn't very fun. It's great as a sounding board. But I'd much rather prefer the meat of things appear here. There'd be something awesome about it.

I love raw honesty. I gravitate toward people who are true through and through. It's always better having a really deep, candid and personal conversation rather than a superficial, vacuous and contrived one. And why shouldn't this place be a place for great conversation? I could argue that I don't know who's out there... and the dialogue's only one-sided, so it's not really a conversation to begin with. But that's a cop out. I'm dying to be honest here, but I don't think I can be. Well that's not true... I'm always honest here... what I really mean is that I can't be as open as I want to be. Which is normal I guess.

It just strikes me as odd to have a normal reaction of any kind. The things that bother, irritate, offend, stimulate, etc normal people don't usually have the same effect on me. I always figured given an outlet to speak, I'd be totally unfiltered. Sadly that's not the case. :( I suppose I just don't want to shock, irritate, annoy, frustrate, offend, etc. anyone I know in my personal life. Some conversations are for one-on-one consumption. Which I guess is what I'm only now realizing. :P Even the people who I admire for being "totally unfiltered", have their own limits. So I suppose I shouldn't feel so bad. Anyway, I've never named any names... well a few. :P

My mind's all over the place tonight. I was trying to figure out what I was going to talk about. Not that there wasn't anything to conjure up, in fact the problem was that I had too many thoughts to choose from. I guess I felt this was the most pressing. I'm still trying to figure out this animal. This whole self-publishing thing. This form of communication. How my dialogue should flow. It's constantly changing. And to what end? I feel like I'm setting up a story... a great one, that I'm unaware of. I don't know how to explain that, since it's a part of another idea I had tonight... but I can't get into that now. ;)

So many decisions... I'm sure it'll all work out eventually. In fact, one of the ideas I had about this blog... the idea that I'd be blogging for 365 days, was that I'd evolve it over certain periods of time. In thirds of course. 122 day increments. Each day I become more and more comfortable with this platform. With my voice. Anyway, we haven't yet reached the first 122-post mark, which I consider The Infancy. I'm still learning, still getting a handle of my limbs. I'm sure I'll have a pretty good idea of where I can go and where I can't by that time.

Anyway, I don't want to get too into that. It'll become redundant. Anyway, I'm just trying to find my voice tonight. Christ, I'll feel so good when this "project" is done with. :P If only because I can imagine seeing a time after this first year when I continue blogging, but not on a daily basis. Which means it'll allow me some time to formulate more coherent and cohesive thoughts and ideas to post. Right now, it's just an endless stream of verbal diarrhea. :P Really, I feel as though I'm cheating whatever audience I currently have. :P I'm such a connoisseur of blogs that I can be objective enough to realize how subpar my posts have been. I hardly think they're entertaining. And they're far too long. Then again, this all goes back to decisions I need to make. I don't know where to go right now. Which is the story of my life right now. :P *sigh* Decisions, decisions...

DS333, pensive.